If You're Going to Like Pin-ups...

     Maybe I just am sickened out of jealousy, but really, I see no reason to be jealous...

     I have a friend on social media, that I don't ever recall having talked to back when our paths would have easily crossed, but seriously "Bubba Joe Jack"-no that's not your real name. Nor are you the Bubba stated in previous posts. I'm really not sure why you even sent me the request, we never talked. I know we have mutual friends, which is why I accepted your request; however, I've soon begun to regret it.

     Pin-up pictures, nowadays are disgusting to look at, especially the 18+ ones that you seem to find on social media. If I really wanted to see that much of a woman's breasts or buttock, all I have to do is look in a mirror. You on the other hand, I guess have not formed an intimate enough relationship to where you are satisfied enough that you don't need to look at those pictures-because you have enough intimacy in your life. This saddens me.

     Does this mean that I want to have a more intimate relationship with you? NO. Just simply stating that if I can see that you liked those pictures, so can the other females on your list. Most just disrespectful, not classy and empowering. The ones you like are not artistically done, they're trashy with basically everything but the tits and openings on the lower half hanging  out. Sometimes with a lesbian undertone. Granted some women are in lesbian relationships,which don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with lesbians, but again, not classy and embracing, but trashy and usually grabbing of tits. If this is what arouses you, are you bisexual? If so fine, but you are once again doing it in a demeaning way.

     My advice to you not dear Bubba, get yourself a girlfriend, NOT ME, or something, and fast, before you ruin any chances of having a relationship. Or maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship, as your respect for women is blatantly lacking. Please get some help for those intimacy issues you seem to be having, first.

     Don't get me wrong yes, I'm only human too. Do I like certain pages because I find some famous male attractive? Not all, but some. But no, 18+ is not in the title, bear in mind, I have no desire to see 95% naked pictures of these men. or if some reason, only 5% happens to be covered, it's usually done in a classy way by Marvel-meaning artistic :) Or because of the  sport :) But is it disrespectful? No, my example is classy and honorable.

     So am I jealous?No. Can I relate? In a certain light, yes, but not fully.

What To Do...

What do you do when...
faced with an awkward conversation? With a person you did not want to see? They have no clue who you are? How do you handle these situations...

Not being in high school anymore, helps greatly in most situations. Although, there are times that can not be avoided, someone unexpected comes along, you don't know more than a name and face of, they don't know you, and what do you do. State that you know the mutual person, that is known? Pretend you know nothing? That's my go to and pretend you don't know them...Moral of the story here kids-Don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. It only leads to trouble...

I was talking to "Bubba Joe Jack" (Maybe or maybe not the same person mentioned in earlier posts)...And he mentioned his girlfriends name, we shall call her "Lou-Lou". Being curious as to what she was like having never met her before and social media being a terrible thing, I found her having been the only one named "Lou-Lou" on the profile on social media that shall remain nameless. So then I had a name and face right?

Right. The trouble comes in when I went to a store one day to pick up an  online order.

Lou-Lou asked "Hi, can I help you?" I walked up to see the name tag spelled correctly to match the face.
I replied "Yes, I have an order to pick up for Lindsay Rrrr..." I felt weird saying my name to this person, that I didn't want to particularly know, nor did I know, nor should I have known-but did thanks to my big nose.

"You have an order to pick-up?" She quickly replied, thankfully. She took my driver's license and entered in the information, and went and found my order. Returned with both of the correct items
asked me if they were correct, and put them in a bag. We said our thank yous and I went on my way.

So I did make it through unnoticed, as long as she doesn't know me, I'm good...But we shall see later if I really went unnoticed...

They Just Don't Care Anymore...

     Have you ever had this feeling?  Really, a feeling that a person is just not that interested in you. Does it matter? Why should I care about them, then?

     Most recently I've noticed that people, not using their actual names,nor how I know them, but Ellie May & Bubba Joe Jack- don't really like anything I do, unless it has to do with them.Now granted, do I show an interest in their lives? I should think. I send out cards, gifts, ask them about what they're doing. Do they read the blog? Not to my knowledge, even after countless taggings on Facebook. Do they actually care about what's going on with me? Not from the feelings I've gotten. Now, I do consider them actual friends, and from the impression I've gotten and phrasings of sentences, I believe they feel the same. But can you really know what anyone else really thinks? Sure I could always ask, "Hey, are we friends?" But then I'm setting myself up for, do I really want to know the answer?

     I was always taught, if you have to ask, you really don't want to know the answer...Am I just boring that they don't bother at looking at anything I post? Do they think they already know everything about me, so why bother with crap on social media? Are we done being friends? I don't know. From conversations I've had with them, we still are friends, or else why talk so damn much to me? Why pour salt on the wound, so to speak?

     Then again, why do I care so much? I was reminded through #CPChatNow( a twitter chat for people with CP-like me) tonight, that while on a different topic, it's my opinion that matters. Not theirs...But for some reason I still feel  this need to be liked, by them. Don't ask why, it's probably just the anxiety talking. Even when they already do like me. Just not as much as I like them. Do I do this to people? Probably so...Will I ever know about it? Probably not. That's the vicious cycle of somewhat distant friendship...

     On the other hand I'm far too busy and old to deal with this shit. We are friends, that's all you really need to know. If I need a person to vent to, they're there, the same as I would do. They've done more to calm the anxiety and depression then they realize, and for that I am grateful. They've brought me out of the worst of it- without even fully understanding, and for them to care as much as they do, I don't have to explain everything that's happened. And while we may be more distant as the years go by, I have a feeling they'll be in my life for a good long while still. So I might as well get used to it.
It's not really a matter of me not asserting myself in the friendship, more so me, picking my battles with people that I at least, consider friends.

     Do I consider Ellie and Bubba frenemies? No. That takes too much damn effort. I don't hate them, they don't hate me. I also don't let people get close to me, that I don't view as friends. I'm not one to keep my enemies closer, as the saying goes...

     Ellie is somewhat distant now, so I could tell her it bugged me, but it wouldn't matter. Bubba I see on a regular basis, but chances are, he wouldn't really give a crap that I feel this way, he's got his own crap to deal with. I'm not his family, nor his girlfriend, so why would he?

     People are about themselves, you have to be about you, I have to be about me. That's all that matters...And  Star Wars, definitely Star Wars, go see it. LOL.

So What Do I Do For "Self Care"?

So, BuzzFeed, if you haven't checked them out, did a wonderful mental health week on Facebook. If you are friends with me, or have liked my Facebook page, then you've probably seen several shared  posts, from their page. I'm a fan.

Anyways... One of their videos was "self care routines", so that inspired me to share what I do! What is my routine?

1. I blog. I blog about anything and everything I want to, am feeling, or care about. That's why my topics vary so much, but that's life-varied. If I''m feeling depressed, anxious, or even if I found a new pair of sloth socks, you'll know  about it here first. I use this as the equivalent to a journal. Except, if you know me, my handwriting is, what some may call, "unique", so blogging, it shall be instead. You can check www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
or follow me on twitter-@LindsMRoach for updates/new posts.Besides those of you "Nosy Nellies/Neddies" love knowing what's going on, admit it, I'm just kiddin'.

2. I make jewelry. No, I don't make the beads, but I buy some beads, some sort of string device, sit down on the floor, and put things together, till they look pretty! It may sound silly, but it's pretty, and it calms me. I feel relaxed, which after a day filled with social anxiety producing situations, relaxed is a good thing. Going from anxiously awaiting some thing, or some one, to a clear mind, that's able to watch an episode of a favorite show, is a good thing.

3. Reading helps, if I can get my anxious or depressed state of mind to focus long enough on just the words I'm reading, by the time I've finished, It may be majority of the book. Right now I'm reading the second volume of the complete set of Sherlock Holmes books that my brother got for me. It's long, and very dry, perfect to clear my mind with! Although I will have to do a post of book suggestions as I do have some, feel free to ask me, I'll tell you!

4. Music, I usually prefer anything upbeat, happy sounding, and usually less than three minutes long. I have a few exceptions, I may or may not share them, it depends. Why? because when you're depressed, you need something happy. Through all my sociological studies (B.A. in Criminology & Criminal Justice, and Sociology from I.S.U.), happy music, makes people happy, sad makes you sad, angry makes you angry, and so on and so forth! On second thought, I may just have to do a blog on suggestions after all.

Well, besides talking to people about what I'm feeling at that moment, that's all I have to share! Hopefully it's enough to get you started, if you need ideas. Hopefully you already have your own routine! Again let me know via Facebook/ Twitter/in person if you have any suggestions or ideas to write about, or anything you want to read my opinion on!

You're So Quiet!!!

My favorite response to me having not said anything in a while...

Why? Because that really makes me want to talk to you. Not. If this is said to me, it's usually because the person saying it has been talking nonstop, about whatever mindless drivel they want. It usually has nothing to do with my interests, or is an old story from high school or the like, that has nothing to do with me. So do I impolitely chime in? It's me, so no, of course not.

I simply wait for the "Lindsay, you're so quiet!!! Say something!"
To respond with "Do you know they preformed brain surgery on a goldfish?"

 It's a conversation starter, alright!To which gets me out of nonsensical drivel, for about another 15-20 minutes...As long as no one is eating.

I usually talk if I feel I have something important to say. If I don't, I usually just stick to listening, until I have something more to contribute.

Now granted I did post something about people being quiet on my high school Facebook group page, but you see the last three posts, have been from me. One of the quietest people of the class. It's kind of scary. So when I say it. You know people are just being silent. Does it promote discussion. No, not really. But I had to say something, it was creeping me out.

As is the case with the people saying it to me? Possibly, either that or they're too afraid to admit they talk too much. There, I typed it. Silence really can be golden... I probably type too much, but frankly, it's how I get my frustration, worries, or concerns out. So if you don't like it, don't look.

Moral of the story here kids is, if you're calling someone else quiet, maybe look to yourself to shut it, first.

Great News...

So, I created a Facebook page, see here- https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
No more awkward checking at random, if you like it, you will have the most up to date posts I make. As well, as maybe see pictures I post, from time to time. There will be updates as to the progress of the memoir, as well as you, and others, being able to comment on what you want to read about!Thank you to all the viewers, the blog is at 2,461 views total, so far-across all the countries! I'll also try and be more interesting, hahaha! Stay tuned!

Two Things...

     I thought I'd take this opportunity to talk about something I haven't done a lot of. My anxiety/depression. It is by no means cured, and yes, just this last week, I relapsed. It all started Thursday, well, okay so it started like months ago, and in my usual fashion, I bottled it up, and let my worries ruminate within me.

              *Names have been changed. Note I'm not good with naming people, so just deal with it*

     I had one coworker(Ellie May) that could not get along with another(Agnes). The other was oblivious. I was also having trouble with a different coworker(Ethel), to which,yes, they were oblivious too. I had been dumping my troubles on Ellie May, and she on me. As friends often do. All the while I'm trying to do classes, graduate with honors (I'll know when I get grades back for this last semester), and generally trying to take care of my own shit. I handled my problems with Ethel. She got moved to a different shift. I told Ellie May in the hopes that she might handle her issues with Agnes, as like I said. I was pretty darn sure, she was just as oblivious as Ethel. Nothing happened. My worries ruminated, thoughts in my head festering. Thursday, my anxiety could not take it anymore. I texted and called, then did that some more, until eventually I quit my job.

     Yes, I actually quit my job, I was so anxious. No pill, was going to help the situation, I saw no other way out, I was even ready to move out, if need be, just to get away from the bakery. The place I have considered a second home for a long time, and with friends that are like family to me. It took me about a 45 minute drive to Des Moines/DMACC, to realize I still needed money, and to call my Mom/Manager to ask for my job back, luckily, she let me.

     Back to the drama of it all. Ellie May will sadly be leaving, so problem solved there, on the bright side, at least. I shall hopefully be leaving in May for a big girl job anyways, so there's that for ya. I'm not long for the bakery either, as much as I do love it there.

Second thing, the first time I tried to spell ruminate on my own, spell check thought I meant menstruate, fun ending fact for ya!

The R Word...

     Retard, we've all heard it used, but what does it actually mean, do a quick Bing search and this comes up : "delay or hold back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment..." The definition continues to give an example of the word used in a sentence. If used properly, not an offensive word, in my opinion. In others, any use of the word is offensive. It depends on how offended you get about things, frankly. In the way it's been used; however, it can be very offensive.

     Have I ever been called a retard in an offensive manner? Yes, by people I had to trust, and quickly. Was it hurtful? Yes, of course. Was it used as a last resort in an angry spell, when they could come up with nothing else? Why yes, yes it was. Was it true, if you look at the definition, have I been delayed or held back by CP. Not really. If asked, my Mother would proudly tell you, that I was accomplishing things right about the same times  that my older brother was, that I let nothing hold me back. I simply had to learn to adapt, quickly. So do I consider myself retarded, no, not really.

     That brings me to, since I have what is a disability, more than one, (CP, depression,& anxiety) do I consider myself disabled? No, not really. Since childhood, while I've had to do things differently, I've been treated like any other able-bodied person. I rather consider myself a person, who just happens to have disabilities. Everyone has always treated me with respect, intelligently, kindly, for the most part. So no, while I certainly do not consider myself able-bodied, I have trouble identifying as "disabled", as I am perfectly capable of many things, if I want to do them. I just identify as a person with CP,depression, and anxiety. Yes, if on a form, or to get accommodations, I have to identify as having a disability,I do, but I will not be "disabled" by anything.

     I mean, friends &family. Ask yourselves if you would consider me disabled or retarded? Chances are you did not know about my disabilities, until I or someone closer to me, told you. I only ever need a hand with things now and again, maybe some help balancing. But to be labeled as something, that gets looked down on so frequently. Luckily, my disabilities are such, that they allow me to struggle with being identified as disabled. That's probably what I struggle with the most, I also know, if I feel one way, I certainly cannot be the only one. Anyone else with my disabilities feel this way?

Don't forget to like, share, retweet,  or follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach

Memoir Process part 1

     So for those that wonder how the memoir's going/ when I'll blog next? Here's your answer...
I have about three pages, double spaced, that looking back on, I think I'll erase, and start over as it makes no sense for me to start the way I did. Unfortunately necessities like school and work, I have allowed to get in the way, but if I'm being honest-Lindsay needs money and the ability of which to go get her big girl job to make more money, so... Those things will continue to interfere.

     As far as titles go, I'm Just Not Drunk Enough To Deal With This Right Now, seems to be the clear winner.Why the title? Well you saw it here first, since being on an antidepressant, you're not supposed to drink alcohol(I've talked to my Doctors). So in certain situations (see About Last Night) I firmly believe I am not drunk enough to deal with them. It's also a joke, from me, wishing I could still drink, like your average 26 year old, since not being able to have more than a communion cup of wine, or small piece of rum cake can be depressing in and of itself. So it would cure all my problems if I was...


     So basically, I'm starting over, when I get a chance...

What I haven't told you...

Here's everything I haven't told you, or written about my time in the behavioral health unit at Mary Greeley about 2 years ago...

I yelled out in the night, groaning and rolling around...having Nightmares/hallucinating that I was being raped...

I yelled out that I was Buzz Lightyear's wife (Why? Cuz Toy Story was on the TV-Think of it as a bad George Glass moment)... To which I then stated there was a reason why I was there...

I also jokingly stated that I was Kitty Pryde (a character from X-men that walks through walls) I was then guided into the door jam by a staff member-who apologized afterwards, while being escorted out of the room, to see the psychiatrist...

I frequently stated I wanted a lawyer...I got one,  and was court ordered to treatment as I was seen as a threat to myself, and others-since I stated that I wanted my former coworkers dead for what they had done to me (I did get the threat to others part dropped)...I'll now be interning in Jan. at that law firm...

Leading up to my stay at Mary Greeley I was hallucinating that former coworkers from the youth shelter were assaulting me at a local grocery store, then coming on the TV whenever my Mother was not there-telling me to go to the hospital-where they would just do horrible things to me...I hadn't eaten more than three bites of soup, in three days, and barely drank anything-yet still went to the city gym, and frequently went to the police station, or called the police station, as I was hallucinating that they were raping me at night...The month before all this I wanted to take my own life, and was not taking the as needed med that I had...No I did not attempt suicide, I just told my Mom I was planning on it, because I was...I did not do it as attention seeking, but rather as a last resort, or so I thought...

After leaving Mary Greeley I was put on a medication that made me lactate. My mother and I both wanted to believe it was just boob sweat. I also shot from 150 pounds to 165. It took a while for me to tell a doctor what was happening, and for them to take me off the med took only a few days. Once finding the right med, it's nice to know that I've dropped over 15 pounds, and I haven't taken my as needed anxiety med in over a year, as my anxiety level just hasn't been high enough.

I also tell you this not as a joke, but rather, to make you realize just what one person with mental illness went through...If you see me, don't make light of this-It brings back bad memories for me...

What I've Found

     What I've found, some people don't like confrontation. I, am not one of those people.That's not to say I love confrontation, I just most certainly am not afraid of saying what's on my mind. There was too long a time where I was afraid to do anything about it. Whatever "it" happened to be at the time. Nowadays however, if asked what is the problem I will tell them flat out, you isolate, or so on and so forth.

     It's come to my attention that this is what relieves my tension and anxiety that builds up in my life. I do assert myself using the proper avenues that should be taken. That's not to say that I don't let stuff build up, because I do. I have been known in the past to let the tension build until I can't take it anymore, then go off on someone that pushes me just a little bit too far. This is termed my going "Hulk mad". No I do not suddenly become some ripped, green version of myself...Instead I begin yelling everything (and I mean everything) that I have against that person. Loud and clear, enunciating every last syllable until it turns into enunciated gibberish, at that point I come back from my blue streak, as it were...

     This time;however, I did not become "Hulk mad"-per my usual, but maintained a timid demeanor...I was afraid of something happening to the other person, I also wanted to be viewed as  a more mature 26 year old, not  a child who had her male classmates mistakenly called racist, when really the person actually was defining sexism, but viewed that as a bad word. Naturally I had to correct the misuse of the phrase. Or that of a 21 year old working two jobs who was mistakenly forced to stay late, when I had to get up and open the next morning at the other job...Naturally I couldn't help informing them that I worked two jobs, and was not just wanting to party on a Friday night...When really, who out there thinks I would do such a thing, that knows me...

     I guess it's progress. Was the problem solved by my being timid? Since that person is getting moved to a different shift. I guess it was more effective than my blowing up at a fellow human being, yet again. My point is no one should be afraid to say what they think. I certainly will not nor have I shied away from doing so.... If something's not right, speak up! That's what I've found...

Nobody Told Me

I got this idea from a Buzzfeed UK/Buzzfeed Facebook post...so if you haven't, check them out...

What nobody told me about having depression...
How to get out of my darkest days, how much I could hurt those around me, how much I would hurt myself, how many people would gather around me, how much weight I would lose once on regular medication, how much better I'd feel about myself-once on regular medication, how many good days I'd have, what those days would be like, and who would be in them, that I would overcome it-most days...

What nobody told me about having anxiety...
How bad it would get, how many nights I'd sit frozen, unable to do anything but scream at those I love the most, how much I'd worry about things out of my control, how many people would respond to my frantic texts, how quickly they'd respond, how kindly they'd respond, how I'd become closer friends with some, how I would have an as needed med for anxiety, and not taken it in about a year, because I would overcome it-most days...

What nobody told me about having CP...
That things would always be different, harder at first, I'd never be normal, that I would always need an extra hand,how cruel others can be, how kind others can be, that I would still have normal friends, be treated normally, not spoken down to, how quickly I can adapt, how easily I would overcome it- most days...

Most days I have conquered what nobody told me I could, what actually some were unsure I would ever come out of fully, and I have...

Today, I Found Sloth Socks...And Other Thoughts...

     So, today I really did find sloth socks. Of which I shall add to my Bakery Girl Costume. Which if you don't know which bakery that is family&friends, let me know, and I shall let you know somehow, so you can come see me in action as Bakery Girl-and buy a donut or something...

     Also, so some girl that totally trashed my singing abilities, back in the ye ol' high school days, stopped into the bakery the other day. I won't name names. She was nice, I was nice in return, she even remembered MY name. Shocker, considering the way she talked about me. After she left I explained to my coworkers the backstory, which got me thinking, maybe people do change, but to what extent...Chances are that she was just being nice because I had access to the baked goods at that particular moment...But she's not the only one of my former classmates to stop in. And not the only one that ever knowingly spoke ill of me. I am nice to all my former classmates when they come in, because I have to be, it's my job. I can't see my face, but chances are I was still smiling, as I can't help but do. It's these people I have no problem telling the total to. I guess I have become the bigger person in these cases. My best advice is to save it for whispers in the backroom after they leave, to anyone that doesn't know how to deal. Or if you're still in high school and reading this, good luck, it's hard to be nice-after a tough situation, but you can do it-Then tell your friends/coworkers, again, AFTER they leave.

     That also makes me wonder, who all was I unknowingly mean towards, I don't remember anyone in particular from back in the day...Most people I run into do say "hi" first even, but it makes you wonder. If I was unknowingly mean to you, know this, I am sorry, but I don't even remember what I did to you...Time to move on for you, as much as it is for me...

     The thing I guess to focus on is how much good I'm doing now... Raising awareness of CP, anxiety, and depression, studying hard to get my paralegal certificate, so I can do good for someone-where ever it is that I end up...As well as almost always have a smile on my face, except when trying to scowl unsuccessfully...

Oh well, readers, family, and friends, I guess what I'm trying to say is do as much good as possible, try not to bring anyone down with you, and try not to sink to their level.

Also, family and friends-don't forget to come see me as Bakery Girl!

Thanks for all the 1,407 views-from ALL the countries, that is unbelievably cool to me at least-here's to many more to come! Please share with your family and friends! Follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach 

You Don't Have To Like This.

I've seen a lot of friends and family post stuff on Facebook about being pro-life, so I thought I'd explain my reasons for being pro-choice...

First and foremost, NO ONE should have control over another body. So really, this should not even be a political issue. Abortion is only allowed to be safely completed up until a certain point in the pregnancy as is...As such, I believe vasectomies should be mandatory at a certain age, so that men, have just as much control over their own bodies as women do. No, it's not the same thing, but really-there's nothing that is equivalent.

The point I'm trying to make with this suggestion, while partially a joke is this, women are already having our bodies controlled for our own safety, if you're a man reading this, I'd be careful as things become equal, if I were you, put yourself in a woman's shoes-know there are options out there for you-to a certain extent, how long in your life do you really want to be paying child support? Tuition? In to your retirement, men? I make this suggestion for your own safety...How old is to old to be having kids? There are many male celebrities, political figures, however they define themselves, that I believe to be too old. Sure there will be money to see these children through their roughest days, but will their parents be there too? Could having these children so late in life be termed some form of reckless abandonment?To think you may not see them grow into adults with families of their own...

I will say this, I am very glad to have never been in the position to have to choose...But if I ever am, I hope I still have that choice to make...

More than anything about my pro-choice stance is this-abortion SHOULD be between each individual woman, her doctors, and whatever each individual woman believes. Knowing that what I believe as a Lutheran woman, there is only one fit to judge for what we do, and that one is not me. Also knowing we are ALL sinners, and we sin in different ways,  I cannot judge anyone...

Lazy...I Think Not...

One of the many random thoughts that popped into my head, was this-one of my high school  teachers called me lazy one day. I don't know why this sticks with me to this day. No one now, that I work with, would call me lazy, truly, I don't think that teacher knew me well. I also should have reported him to the principal when it happened, although then I didn't know the systems as well as I do now. Teachers should not be able to say things like that.
How could he call me lazy?

Me, who had a job at fourteen.
Me, who turned in ALL my homework in on time, yes, in his class.
Me, who went to all the home football games.
Me, who made it into Concert Chorale.
Me who got "2" ratings at solo contest, 3 points away from a "1", and why, my right hand.
Me, who did dance committees.
Me, who was the co-president of the gay-straight alliance at my high school, sophomore year.
Me, who dealt with finding out about my grandmother's murder via a newspaper clipping at age 12.
Me,  who listened to my parents fighting.
Me, who wondered when my father would finally crack.
Me, feeling uncontrollable worry.
Me, who worried about what others would think, when my clothing& coats smelled like smoke.
Me, feeling depressed from all the fighting.
Me who studied  hard to maintain at least a 3.0 gpa.
Me, who had a brother with a 4.0 gpa.
Me, who never felt normal.
Me, who was called ugly, by someone I once cared for.
Me who was beaten by two boys in middle school.

But lazy, really? I think not.
I know I'm 26 years old.
I know I graduated from ISU a semester early.
I know I now have a 3.56 gpa.
I know that if I maintain my grades, I'll graduate with honors.
I know I love where I work.
I know I sing as loud as I can in my car, when I think no one can see, with my windows up.
I know I get my homework done on time.
I know that my clothes don't smell like smoke.
I know I'll never be normal, who wants to?
I know I'm beautiful, inside and out.
I know I'm in control of those thoughts that worry me.
I know I have a life worth living.
I know I have homework I should be working on right now.
I know I need to use coping skills like blogging, when I have a thought like this.
I know to take care of myself first, worry about others opinions never.
I know I'm not lazy.

My point is this, teachers should not call their students lazy. It just labels them, not motivate them, and overall hurts your relationship with your other students too. Also don't call your students lazy, you have NO idea what's going on in their lives, how dare someone have called me lazy back then. Even more so, how dare they call me lazy now. Lindsay is just not synonymous with lazy, procrastinate-because I'd end up back at Mary Greeley again, yes, if that's how you see it. I see it as taking care of myself first, life happens-deal with it teachers, the world does not revolve around you.

Popular...

So I ran into a classmate about a month ago, that I never really knew that well, yet, they remembered my name- so that got me thinking, just how popular was I back in the day. I would say not very, I had my small group of friends, and that was about it.

Although, I did know people through the bakery, so people were always nice to me because I had access to baked goods, powerful thing that is. I also was on the dance planning committees because well, I like planning and controlling things, part of the anxiety I was able to put to good use.

So while no, I was not a loner, I was not popular by any means, just well known enough to always have somebody to talk to or work with in whatever class/situation I was in.  Those friends like "A" and "B", used to call me a prep, another sign, they didn't know me well at all...Anyways...

Much the same can be said today. People are nice to me, because I work at the bakery, I generally try and be a nice person if at all possible, and I do work. While no, there are no longer any dance planning committees, I try and stay involved at my church. What with skits, random meal servings, and let's not forget, choir. Which I miss doing, but am excited I shall sing with the women at least, as part of the LWML (Lutheran Women Missionary League) Sunday. THIS SUNDAY!!!

Am I popular now? Well, as a 26 year old, is there any measure of how popular someone is? Not really, folks...Popularity is a concept created in the schooling system to make you feel bad folks, that's what I've discovered, I mean, there are celebrities-who are fellow humans, so I guess there is a measure of popularity even as an adult, but do I really want the privacy invasion that most of them suffer from-No, my anxiety, and depression, just don't need it.I try and think, were any of those kids that I considered to be popular, still that way, no, they developed into human beings, much like all of us had to, probably why they remember me so well, a reminder of when they were somebody, if only for a moment...And if I can help them feel that way, I'm happy to-either that, or the guy saw my key-chain with my name on it. Meh.

Who cares, probably nobody, as people generally only care about matters concerning them, take me for example-I'm not immune to this, I'm just as self-absorbed as the next. So think about it, the next time someone offends you, are they really trying to offend you, OR most likely, do they not even care about your piddly little problem, as they're busy worrying about their own? Not intentional, but you do learn in sociology, we all worry about ourselves, and as a person with social anxiety, I see this in action, through all interactions whether it be WORK(not naming names), school, or wherever else. Should it be this way? Yes, because you have to take care of yourself first, everyone else is secondary to you. So the next time, before you go getting all huffy over someone, think...

Lately, I Just Don't Know...

So I was thinking today, and I thought of this,

I got a phone call from a classmate today, confused and not sure what to make of part of an assignment, wanting my help. Now just the last week, I had helped them, and when I needed help, they just stated they had already found it, but thanks for helping them. Now, I did not arrange a time to meet with them, or to help them. But frankly, if you screw me over in my time of need, what motivation do I have to help you? Will I end up helping them if they're still puzzled on Sunday? To the best of my ability, considering I'll have my own research to do.

Also, I won't name, names, but at the DMACC campus I attend, there is one person that always says hi to me, and so I say it back, and hold a short conversation with him. I'm not the only person he starts a conversation with, and from those other strangers' reactions, I don't believe they were acquainted either...But that got me thinking, how connected to devices we all are, and how much one hello can do  for a person's day. He usually gets my name wrong, but on the other hand there's how many other blonde haired girls with glasses out there? I can't fault him too much, he's trying. How many times do I not even say hello to people, what if I did? How little of an effort does that take? How many of my friend's, family's and coworker's problems could be solved by saying hello?

My grandfather, who passed away about 5 years ago, I always remember as one that would strike up a conversation with a stranger...Maybe I should be more like that, it would sure beat getting starred at because of the CP. How much could a smile, eye contact, and one syllable do? How bad could it be? Maybe that should be the new "it" challenge, starting a conversation. How hard could it be? maybe I should find out?

Just One of Those Days...

So it's Saturday night, and I'm home alone...No, I'm not out partying, nor am I bringing the party to me, the house is already a mess, and I've already seen tons of people come and go today...

Life is actually pretty good, I have some potential contract paralegal-ing in the works, as well as a lot of interviews coming up, all for internships, not to mention some that are talking potentially hiring for part-time now, and a full-time/internship, in the spring. Why the internship? Because after this current semester, that's all I have left for requirements for my certificate. Do I plan on getting my certificate and leaving the Ames area finally? No, I plan on hanging around for 2-3 years and getting some experience-then applying at Amazon. A smart plan it would seem.

Today, my excitement level, that has been at an all-time high, has finally been worn out. It feels like I have no energy left to do anything, no, not a depressed type of energy, just worn-out. I have a paper due Monday I should be working on, a test Tuesday, and a brief due Thursday-instead of doing this, but well, sometimes I just need to type things out. Some procrastination is always a good thing, I've found, and no doubt I will get to work eventually, but well, just not right now.

Today at work was BUSY, luckily , I was working with a great group of people, that makes a 9 hour day, totally worth it. Without them, I probably would be depressed.

Also good news today, I finally got Fire sauce when asked for, from Taco Bell! They must have figured I could handle it, for once! Small victories here people! Small victories!

Also, still on page three of the memoir, maybe I'll work some more on that tonight...Well, however you spend your nights, readers, may it be a good one!

One last thing, the Affordable Care Act, not so affordable, wish I could go back to 25...I am thankful at least that preexisting conditions like CP, depression, and anxiety, aren't a problem, but really, over $200 a month? Change please! And pronto!

Here's why I blocked you...

Here's a letter to my old "friends" I blocked on Facebook-"A." and "B.",
Simply put, we are better off without one another. Y'all were toxic to my emotions...We weren't really friends either at that point. Both of you were doing things you know I could not follow you on. I did look at your Facebook profiles...You both appear to be married with children now. That's great! I hope you've found true happiness and joy! But the fact of the matter is, we are not friends, and haven't been, for quite some time.

"A.", you were skipping classes, smoking at a young age-if you're being honest about that... Hell, you were throwing bday parties for your friends, and I wasn't invited- clue number 1, as to why we're really not friends, clue number 2-the car ride fiasco, I honked, knocked on doors, called, did everything but go in the house uninvited, to pick you up. Then you tried to turn everyone-my actual friends-against me. Something unforgivable in my book.

"B.", you were skipping classes, "borrowing" cars without permission, getting sent away, coming back, then leaving again. You were never really changing, just toying with my emotions each time you came back, thinking you were going to stay in school-then leave...You know I couldn't follow you, and you know you wouldn't have let me- a real friend would have been there, not making me cry after each illegal act you committed, or new placement you got sent to... 

So, if you two happen to see this, I had to get this out of my system, only now instead of blowing up on the playground, I blog. If you two try and contact me, I will call the police. LEAVE ME& MY FAMILY ALONE!!!

It is time...

It is time, time that I announce something very big for all you blog followers, family, and friends. No, nothing life changing or just plain stupid. But it seems that after careful reading of these posts, some of you have mentioned I should become a writer. Well, I have no deals in the works, and I have yet to even begin a draft I can actually access, not on my old computer that sadly died.

But I do plan to write a memoir.

I have no idea how long it will take me, who would even publish such a thing, or just what part of my life it will cover, but I WILL write it. No, I have made no outstanding feats, I'm certainly no comedian, nor am I a beauty pageant winner(I have read some of the CP memoirs out there and plan to read more, I suggest you do the same), but I do have a story to tell. And I WILL tell it.

Also if you happen to know of any book publishers that happen to like stories about CP, let me know!

Having Mild CP

I could stir up some controversy with this topic, but the fact of the matter is that I have MILD Cerebral Palsy. Some with more severe CP, may very well hate me for the fact that in most cases, I can usually hide my CP past introductions and the like. In fact, I have seen tweets from those with CP criticizing and hating on authors also with CP. My main question  is why? I don't hate on anyone because their disability is permanently visible. I was raised that was wrong. Why do you with severe CP, let your jealousy overwhelm you? We should be united, raise awareness, that everyone with CP, has differing experiences, despite the common factors that categorize us as having CP in the first place. Luckily, I have found supportive groups of friends, family, and strangers via twitter/#CPChatNow, that don't criticize me for having mild CP. They instead embrace this fact, and are supportive & accepting.

Another fact of the matter is that you should never let your jealousy consume you. It's just not healthy in the first place, you also miss out on great things as you are too busy being jealous. All people have different life experiences, and you are missing out by not finding out what they are. I get that it's frustrating not to be able to fool the untrained eye into thinking you're able-bodied, but it's also frustrating having your disability minimized, or worse be accused of faking once exposing your disability. Mild or severe CP, we all need to support one another, not verbally attack each other.

I know my able-bodied friends are probably wondering what I'm talking about, but this struggle is real. There are out those with severe CP that criticize us mild CP-ers for being able to hide our CP for any length of time. The truth is we are not minimizing CP as a disability, simply I do not want to be judged as my disability alone upon first impression, and I refuse to be criticized for doing so. People need to know ME,  who just so happens to have a disability. Not as the girl with a disability. That is not how I want to be remembered. Something to keep in mind, those with severe CP, I can only assume, do not want to be remembered as only their disability as well, but often are. No, it's not fair, but should not be a cause for hatred of any degree among us all. It's a perception we with CP all need to unite to change. This brings me to, who will unite to change the perception? The perception of a person with a disability as being ONLY their respective disability, when in reality we are so much more. Perception should be the reality of it all. It's only through convincing the able-bodied crowd of this, not just my friends and family, that all with a disability will be seen as people first. The only way to do this is to stop the bickering among ourselves and start living our respective versions of a "normal" life, if there is such a thing...

Don't forget, you can always follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach !

About Last Night...

So, for those that do not know I went to a bar last night. Why? To hear a friend in a couple of bands that he's in. Now, I went with my Mom, thinking no harm.

Slowly a older gentleman made his way to Mom, and started talking to her, high fiving. Suddenly he spotted me, waved, then motioned to high five me. I did so, he eventually went away. My mom left as it was well past her bedtime. I was alone after that. I talked to the one friend for a bit. Then the older gentleman returned...
He stated "My name is Bradley-I wanted to make sure you were fine?"
I stated I was fine.
He then said "Let me buy you another Pepsi".
Knowing that this 'Bradley' if that was his real name, was clearly drunk, and the fact that I was just not interested in knowing more I shook my head no, along with shouting the word "NOoooo". Slowly so as to maybe hear me better. He continued to try and stumble  onto the bar stool next to me. While doing so, asking the gentleman around me, that were in their 20's maybe 30's if they would take care of me, because he had to go.

In the meantime, an acquaintance from elementary school came up and started asking me questions about my jacket/ complimenting me on my jacket. All the while Bradley was still trying to find someone to take care of me, of which there were a lot of "I got your back" from a lot of different guys at the bar.

Another gentleman maybe late 20's early 30's asked me where the bathroom was. I stated I didn't know.

Bradley returned, and after a fashion, landed himself in the bar stool my mother had once occupied. He just stared at me for a moment, then asked me why I was there. I replied "My friend is in a couple of bands playing tonight". Having to yell in his aging ear to be heard.

Meanwhile I started looking around for help, trying to make eye contact with whoever would  do so. Luckily, about that time another older gentleman came by and pointed at him, and mouthed "Are you okay?" I shook my head no, and the older gentleman instantly helped Bradley off the chair, and out the door. The gentleman came back, I stated "Thank you" He asked me if someone was with me, I stated "No, they left" He stated "Okay, we've got our eyes on you".

I instantly felt relieved, some other guy probably 30's asked me how I was doing, and I asked him the same, but that was the end of the conversation. Thankfully.

In conclusion I have no idea how drunk that guy was, and I did hear all of the bands.

I know it's late but...

So today (Sept. 10th) is World Suicide Prevention Day. I just saw this, and it brings so many different feelings to me. Having been someone that at the age of 24, made plans to take my life. I can actively support this day, approaching 2 years since what looking back was a horrific time in my life. It's something, that I can't fully explain the mindset, unless you've been there. I felt worthless, alone, constantly anxious as to every interaction, questioning my reality, SEVERELY depressed, unloved, unwanted, and most of all, that I had no other option.

Yes, I convinced myself of all these things, as happy a person as I am now. Luckily, what stopped me from going through with it was that as a Criminology double major, I had heard horror stories, of suicide attempts gone wrong. Yes, even when you're already feeling low, not always will the attempt go according to plan. Nor should it. I was smart enough to rationalize that I had flaws in my plans, and realize that I might not die, just severely injure myself ( rather than just mild CP), or worse, injure or kill someone else.

 Yes, that was the turning point for me, I did not want to live, but I certainly did not want to be a killer. It was about thanksgiving that year that I was wanting to end it all. It took till around Christmas till I voluntarily went in to in-patient-then was court ordered there and to out-patient treatment, and continued to be court ordered for several months after until I was about 25, to make sure I didn't relapse back into the deep depression, anxiety, and reality questioning I had experienced.( I'll spare you the gory details of when I was questioning my reality-I might share someday, but not now). So basically while they got the meds adjusted. (I'll also spare you the details of that too-but, I will share if asked and it would help someone else).

While all this was going on, after I finished out-patient treatment, management at the bakery, asked me if I would like to come back. The bakery having been my home away from home so to speak, as a teenager. Coming back, was different. I knew about half the staff from when I had left. The other half had to learn that I was Vic's daughter- and what that actually meant (no special treatment, and that I was brought back to fill a hole). Once establishing this with the new crew,and that roast beef was not the same as corned beef, it was smooth sailing, and dare I say, I made new friends! Does this mean that all my worries instantly went away, no, it took more adjustments to meds and therapy, and two thumbs up, to get where I wasn't texting/calling people to find out what I had said. But I did have a new set of people that have seen me through what was the end of the worst time of my life.

Moral of the story, if I had given into this, I would have missed out on so much, suicide prevention is very important! Please reach out to that friend you've heard nothing from, or that posts a concerning Facebook status-you never know! Robin Williams is just one, of so many that take their own lives too soon, before they see the light in a very dark place. I can only imagine each individual's reasons, but start a dialogue about this, it's through talking that I came out of this, verbalization of this problem helps. If you are feeling like taking your life, there are other options. Seek them out! 

So, about that...

It seems like everywhere I go, online, at least, my fellow CP bloggers/authors, have been discussing dating/relationships. I've written about this before (See "One Time Only") The only relationship I've ever had was from age 5 to 8 or 9. We weren't really able to date at that age, and I feel my status as "The Cute One" was entirely wasted on one guy. I also have never been on a date, and was the one in high school that advised other friends to just make it a girl's night(With our best guy friend in tow as someone else's friend date, because these girls were usually desperate for attention) rather than spend the night in the bathroom avoiding their prospective dates. Needless to say I was not their parent's favorites... I also usually had a good time in high school socializing with the girls (and one guy, while his "date" was in the bathroom). Dating just seemed to be unnecessary pressure.

In college, my first roommate sure had a boyfriend that was long distance-and had plenty of "hook-ups" on the side-judging by the used condoms I found on the floor. I was busy studying& working...My next roommates were better, they seemed to be in committed relationships-with very understanding gentlemen, who put up with me trying to make pancakes, and ending up setting off the smoke detector early in the morning...Oops!
What was my interaction with guys during college? There were my gay guy friends, my guy friend that was in a band...and had a girlfriend, which was okay, cuz I knew his girlfriend and all exes from having gone to high school with him-not some one I wanted to be in a relationship with. I would keep in touch with my high school guy friends via Facebook, or run into one or more of them at the shows of the band friend I mentioned earlier-all of which knew too much to date or be in a relationship with, or they're married, some with kids now!

Let's see while I was out of school-guys-they turned out to be d-bags, or the okay ones were gay or in a relationship, seeing any patterns?

It seems I attract gay guys and males already in a relationship  as friends...As such, not many options when it comes to dating. Has having CP affected my ability to get a date?No. What has affected my ability is surrounding myself with a bunch of females with a few good gays and already taken straight guys mixed in for good measure.

I know there's always online dating sites, and plenty of them, but maybe its all my 3.5 years as a Criminology double major, or my years of legal interest talking, but it just creeps me out. If I'm suppose to be in a relationship, it'll happen the good ole' fashioned way of random meeting via friends (maybe just random) followed by Facebook/twitter stalking to find out if I just met the next big serial killer (That's the Criminology and legal interest talking!)...

But really I prefer to be single right now, so many nice-looking gentlemen out there and I'm free to look, with no feelings of guilt, or anyone getting jealous, or me getting jealous of them, or even wondering what some guy is doing...Right now they're just friends or pretty to look at, and that's fine by me...That's really all I have time for.

5 Things...

So, I got this idea from a fellow CP tweeter's blog, and that got me thinking...What are 5 things I can't live without?
I'll try and go in order

5. Nap time/Recess-This is actually an inside joke between certain co-workers and myself on slow days, no I do not still take nap time or recess...okay so i will nap if at home and bored, but lately these days, I'm pretty busy...But I do feel it important to keep in touch with your inner child, yester-years gone by...as such, my jokes are often innocent minded-something that if you truly love me, you love those as well.

4. Sloths-This may not seem that important, but... If I had to have a spirit animal, the sloth is it man, or woman as the case may be. It all started back in middle school when we had to pick our favorite animal...Although it took me until my interviewing final to develop a valid reasoning as to why. The instructor asked " If you could be any tree or animal, what would you be?" It took me a few seconds to try and come up with another answer but ultimately..." A sloth". Was my reply. He chuckled and said, "Okay, why?" I replied " Because they are slow & relaxed, as I aim to be in my decision making, and thought process". After that people watching stopped laughing, and started nodding...Ever since my sloth apparel and other assorted memorabilia has grown, from my Mom, friends helping me find things, and my coworkers at the bakery.

3. Hot Sauce-I am serious about this one, I cannot survive without some spice in my life, there are just some things, like eggs, I cannot eat without it. And we all know, if you don't eat, you will eventually die,...

2. My family and friends-You'd think this would be number one, and I swear I have reasoning as to why. But know that it is these people that are my greatest cheerleaders, supporters, and all-around those that truly love and care about me, something no one can live without...Awww...

1. My music-Okay so it's actually other peoples music, but I buy it, and listen to it, and it keeps me sane...As in when I was questioning my reality, and going to the behavioral health unit for in-patient treatment, music is one thing I had stopped listening to, I stopped singing...Something that if I had just put my headphones on, I believe would have helped me through, a bit better than I handled it. It's only when I started putting my headphones back on, singing in the car, taking that time for myself, that I started to have a more positive outlook. Yes, I listen to a little bit of everything, just as a person with anxiety and depression...I find myself not listening to a lot of slow and/or sad, depressing songs. Yes, I do listen to my friends or family members music from over the years, and I still miss my Lyrica (  Women's choir at ISU) days. Remember, "Music has charms to soothe the savage beast, To soften rocks , Or bend a knotted Oak." ( William Congreve)

So those are my 5 things, what's yours?

Birthday Adventure

So for my 26th birthday on the 23rd, I decided to go to the zoo on the 16th, and finally cross Zombie Burger off my list of places to go. I just feel accomplished in knowing we made it to the zoo and out to eat without getting lost. We had a fun few hours at the zoo, we saw all the animals, took lots of pictures, and had a good time. I even braved the stairs at the zoo, and rode the escalator at the mall, in an attempt to hide my CP induced clumsiness, however much I may have stumbled getting on, I rode the escalator, my old foe, like a normal able bodied person. Although I must admit, once I got on, I stayed put. Simple things that if you don't have CP, you tend not to think about. I also was able to go out with my able bodied friends, and did not get stares from strangers, because, as I've said before, unless you catch me doing a certain activity-you tend not to notice I have CP. Luckily my friends all know about the CP and tend not to care, unless of course I need help.Zombie Burger, the fries leave something to be desired, but the burger, I specifically tried the Raygun- was really good!And huge! See picture above. You can also see a pic of me and three of my friends above, along with my favorite animal picture of the day, it came up to me I swear, and I had to get a picture! Now I've started classes, and had 2 out of 4 that I'm signed up for. I know this semester is gonna hurt, and be rough, but I'm hoping I can pull off 3 semesters in a row on Provost's List, just to add to the awesomeness that is. 

Dancing

I can't dance. I know I took dance classes as a small child, but I can't dance. I have practically perfect rhythm while singing, dancing, is another story. It requires coordination, control over your muscles, even in those dance classes, I didn't fully have control over my whole body's movements. Does this mean I missed out on the socially awkward right of passage known as the school dances, no. If you put me in a dark corner with a group of my friends, I'd be doing a barely passable version of dancing the night away, with a few slow dances with a guy who shall remain nameless. No, not my one ex, I was never stupid enough to go out with the guy, just danced with him a couple of times, until he asked me to cheat on the grading of his paper for him. Then we weren't really friends after that, oops, I'm just not a pushover like that...

Back to dancing, it could be the CP that adds to my complete sucking, what with the lack of coordination, however; I feel as if though, even without CP, I would still be leaving something to be desired out on the dance floor. In high school we would hold random dance parties on our lunch break, if given the right opportunity. I participated, but seeing as it was just me and a group of friends, who didn't really care how bad my dancing was, as long as I was doing it with them. Yes, however terrible strangers may think I am, my friends always included me, CP and lack of coordination even without CP (More than likely) factored in.

Why didn't I continue my dance classes? Probably because I couldn't move the way other kids could, I didn't feel normal. Something I always strive to be, and why, when I'm just not normal. Then there were some acquaintances, who have tried to teach me to dance, only to discover why I was dancing in the small group I was with. Then there was that one former concert choir pal that had graduated the year before, during my Junior prom, that saw I wasn't dancing, and was trying to upset his girlfriend, that came up from behind and started grinding on my innocent, unsuspecting body. I froze for a moment, until I realized he thought I hadn't been dancing, and who he was, then I awkwardly danced until he let go, and went back to his then girlfriend who easily could've kicked my ass. The next school day she/ the girlfriend was talking about me as one of the many other girls, I wandered off from our mutual friend and the girlfriend, all the while my then friend was giggling uncontrollably. Or there were those that told me I couldn't dance and to go away, needless to say, my friends that were there never really had much contact with those people to my knowledge, after that. I find comfort in the fact that karma is active in the universe, and it will come back to bite them.

So what have we learned, that Lindsay should not dance unless ridiculously drunk*Note-I never drank before the age of 21*, and since I can't drink, don't expect to see me on the dance floor anytime soon.

About Jewelry Clasps

I'll keep this short. I was in the middle of a #CPChatNow on twitter when we somehow got on the topic of jewelry clasps. Now, you may think eh, what's the big deal? Until you're shaking trying to hook a clasp holding the hook in one hand, and smothering the clasp in the other. So what kind of clasp do you get someone with CP? While something that stretches is ideal for me at least, that's not always what happens. I'd like to suggest lobster clasps-the bigger the better. They do sell just the clasp. For less than $2.00 sometimes. They also sell them in sizes from 12mm up to the extra large size at my local Hobby Lobby. Then there are also toggle clasps, where you just shove the toggle through and catch it on the loop. They also sell those in 2 packs for about $2.00. I usually have my Mom to help me with the clasps that aren't so nice. People in general are usually pretty nice like that to help with tricky clasps for anyone! But if you're trying to be polite stretchy, lobster clasp, or toggle clasp is the way to go.

Too Much Stuff

So friends, family, & other assorted followers, much to report. I made the Provost list at DMACC!!!  Meaning my 3.5 cumulative gpa will be recognized via certificate! In response to my awesome interviewing final- I ordered a t-shirt with a sloth & tortoise on it...Still waiting for both to come via snail mail. Otherwise all is busy& good when it comes to my life. I'm past midterms and have about 3 weeks of actual classes left. Then I get 2 weeks off before fall semester hits, woo! I've been spending any actual freetime I have with my headphones on listening to whatever I can, or out back in the sun!  What have you been up to? Anything fun? I think I will have to make a new goal of sorting through my stuff. Getting rid of some of it. I wouldn't say I'm to Hoarders status, but lets say next best thing to it :-) Oh well, I can't be the only one with cleaning to do. New goal- put the music on the stereo and get to work!... Maybe I'll start later tonight, as I am off to the law library!

4th of July

Yes, it's the 4th of July. I'm at home avoiding any parades or fireworks in celebration thereof. Watching Captain America: Winter Soldier for reasons as a 25 year old female I feel no need to explain. Today is really about independence as a country. With CP I usually feel the need to celebrate my independence as far as what I'm able to accomplish. While yes, I do need a helping hand on occasion, most of the time I'm independent. Others with CP are not so lucky. Some require hired assistants, wheelchairs, some even suffer from seizures...If severe enough. So yes, go out, celebrate responsibly, feel lucky for what you can do that you would normally take for granted...In the mean time I'll be doing my normal homework and researching.

Long Time, No Post

So i realize it's been quite a while since i posted. Not too much has happened. I started summer classes and have been spending most of my freetime, when not in class or working, down at the law library or doing homework. I also realized how long it's been since I've seen some of my family at my grandmother's (or who I call my grandmother) funeral. Luckily I was able to go thanks to one of my wonderful coworkers! But some people I hadn't seen since we were teenagers or even younger! You know the feeling, sometimes you just lose touch. It's come to my attention I need to do more to keep in touch! But baby steps... Don't want to overload people... That's what they make facebook for I guess. So please family on either side, if you're reading this keep in touch! It's been too long! Let me know what you're up to! Facebook or twitter @LindsMRoach

My Last Day of Break

So today is my last day of break before summer classes. What did I do? A lot of things. The first being getting up and going down to Easter Seals, to see Camp Sunnyside, and to know that I am on the advocacy email list for them. I learned a lot from going about all the services they provide, and am looking forward to future opportunities with them.

I then decided to go on a hunt for a Thor bobblehead. For those that don't know I collect bobbleheads. Specifically the Funko Pop! variety. My search was unsuccessful, but I did end up getting a Gus Gus bobblehead from Cinderella, from BAM so go them. My search continues. However, I do have three bobbleheads coming to me, that I ordered online, so not for a while with the searching.

Which brings me to, everybody collects something, what's yours? CP or no CP, you have to do something to keep your mind sane, I also seem to collect CDs as well as shoes...I guess that means I'm a lady with many interests. I also make some of my own jewelery, and collect whatever I didn't make as well.

Another tip I guess, find something you like to collect, and collect it. Not all at once, but definitely to reward yourself periodically. It's one of the few ways to stay sane.

Also, with going back to class that means I'll be writing a little less. So please check back! Don't forget to follow me on twitter at @LindsMRoach. I'm so glad to see people comment, so please do! Thank you for reading, and let me know what you want me to write about!

So Today is Memorial Day...

So today is Memorial Day. A day to remember those who served, or are serving, maybe even loved ones who went before you. Hopefully you've taken some time out of your day to remember. I know I have, my Mom and I just finished a trip around to the family at cemeteries on both sides.

It's strange to think how much has changed throughout going over the years. Some years I didn't even go, then there were others I went with my mom, and dad. Then other times with my mom and grandparents. Then there was my Dad leaving on memorial day 5 years ago.

Who all am I remembering?

My grandparents passing, first my grandfather in 2010, then my grandmother in 2012. I remember going to the graves the best when I was with them. The stories they would tell at each family member's grave. I miss them everyday but learned to enjoy seeing purple semis, never waste a good shrimp, and developed an undying love for shoes and stuffed animals from them. They always thought they embarrassed me by dancing in the stores and malls. The truth is though, I was always proud they were actually good, and that they had the guts to do it. It's at this point that tears start streaming down my cheeks writing this, but I shall continue on! They were two of my biggest supporters, and never treated me like I was any different because of my CP. They treated me like I was grandchild number 13, the youngest of the bunch.

Then there is Melba, the M, in my Lindsay M. My grandmother on my Dad's side of the family, murdered, when my father was all too young. I never met her, and have only seen pictures. But it is her murder that inspired me to seek a B.A. in Criminology&Criminal Justice, and Sociology...It was also what inspired me to go back and get my paralegal certificate. So even though I never knew her, it was her life that has impacted me greatly.

Then there is my Uncle. Whom I never knew that well. But knew enough to know how great a guy he was, and that I didn't have to know him that well, we were family, that's all I really needed to know. He also never criticized me for being quiet, and always commented that I was growing up too fast, I would tend to agree looking back on things.

It is from these people I learned some of the most important things, and can only hope I'm making them proud.

Tips For Handling Stressful Situations

Throughout my time on this planet, I have been through a lot of stressful situations, so I thought I'd share some tips for getting through them.

1. Know that there will be life after whatever your situation may be. Even if you are considering suicide. There will still be those that will live after such,just what kind of mood will they be in? Don't do it, please. It's only temporary.

2. Know that you are a person worthy of anything. You deserve the best, know it, and don't let your situation get you down.

3. If you have anxiety, like I do, get some play-doh. Either from a store or make some. Then keep some with you at all times. Use it when feeling anxious, about things.

4. Know that your friends and family love you, and would want no harm to come to you.

5. Keep in touch with friends and family. Talk to someone, get your emotions out, it's the only way you'll be able to move on.

6. If the feelings still last, for any length of time, seek professional help. They could be just the people to have some idea to get you through.

7. Then there is death, death of a family member or friend. While I've only lost grandparents and an uncle, everyone must eventually die. As that may be, these situations can be stressful on a person, know that they will no longer suffer, and that their memory will still live on. You don't forget them, just remember in more thoughtful detail.

One Time Only

So for those that don't know, I was told by a friend to talk more about relationships. So I'll go for the obvious with this one.

I'm single. I'm really not in a relationship right now. If you wanted me to write a blog on dating with CP, good luck, that would be the shortest blog ever, because I don't date. Not to say I would never go out on one, just not right now since I seem to be a little career focused. It's also a little hard when you think about it, as males my age (25) tend to flock to bars. The ones that don't are usually already in relationships, or are career focused themselves. Sorry to disappoint, but I just don't see me finding a lasting relationship in a bar, especially when I can't drink due to medication.

Then there is age, which is a very important number, go too much younger than me, and you're into past client age from when I worked at a youth shelter. I just can't do that. Too weird for me.

Then there is time, relationships take a lot of time. Time I don't have right now between school, work,  and my advocacy. I'm a busy lady. While yes, I have male friends, that's about all I have time for right now.

Then you have the fact that I'm still hurt from what happened with my parents. Something I don't think my father truly grasps, what he did, when he didn't tell me himself that he was leaving. I have trust issues with males in general, that's something I have yet to fully work through, but I'm getting there.

Then there is all the times I have been judged by males based solely on my appearance in a less than favorable light. By males that were out to belittle me, and make me feel bad. How would a guy handle me having CP, would he be cool about it like one of my friends? View me as only a friend? Or look down upon me as a lesser human being?

I guess I do have that one ex to look back on. He did handle me having CP, and was always at the ready to assist if need be, despite him turning out to be a rather shallow individual in the end. (Please see my post "Ugly" for more detail) He never used my CP against me.

Then you have the fact that growing up I was always kept separate from the boys at family gatherings. I was never allowed to go off with my brother and male cousins, my Dad wouldn't let me. I was never sure why but I was socialized not to go play with the boys,except my ex, putting a riff in communication between me and the opposite sex. So much so I feel I still struggle to this day communicating and connecting with males. That's why I only have a few male friends, and we don't talk that often. Working on it though, working on it!

So in conclusion I'm single, not because of my CP, but by choice. The few male friendships I have right now I do cherish as much as I do my other friendships. I really don't think it necessary to be dependent upon some guy for a feeling of self-worth right now. (Not saying that if you are in a relationship you are, but often times is the case). I mean if I really wanted to, guys can't be that hard to figure out, I just don't want to. This is my plea, please DO NOT set me up. I simply don't have time for anything besides friends...

Ugly

My first question is why does this word even exist? When one word is so subjective. What one considers ugly may be beautiful to another. When one can come up with no other argument, they go to ugly, the purely physical insult.

I was told to talk more about friendships/relationships so I will.

My first "boyfriend" (If you can really call him that at ages 5-8 approximately, but hey friends asked my permission to ask him out in high school, so it counts! Anyways...) I had dumped, with good reasons. When we finally reached high school, we tried being friends again. He would later go on to tell me that we couldn't be friends because I was so ugly...He then asked out one of my best friends that was sitting right beside me during the name calling. She said no. *Note-I never said he was smart*.

Did I believe him? For a short while. Yes, I believed I was. Then I remembered that in comparison to my five year old self, yeah I probably was not as cute. What I had become was a beautiful person on the inside, something he had missed, in a fit of anger. I had said no rebuttal to the ugly comment that day, I couldn't come up with anything, our mutual friends were sitting right there, and he had just been turned down, I felt it punishment enough. It was not until after that I realized, he had become an ugly person on the inside.

I have seen this argument come up so many times in life, and on social media. Often used when a person can come up with no better argument then to attack the purely physical appearance. These people mean what they say, but it is just that, their opinion, and a reflection of what's on their own insides.

As always be sure to comment with what you think I should write about! I should have it fixed so you can comment anonymously even! And don't forget to follow me on twitter at @LindsMRoach !

The Kindness of Strangers

Throughout my life, there is one thing I have always gladly accepted. That is the kindness of strangers.These people are not friends, are not family, yet they choose to do the right thing and help a fellow human being. I guess that could be said of so many people, and if I only knew their names, but then they would not be strangers, I suppose.

How have they helped me? In so many ways. After I'd fallen on an ice patch, to help me up. After I had twisted my ankle while tripping, making sure I was okay. Trying to get my bag out of the overhead compartment on the plane ride home. Lending a hand on the stairs. Offering to carry something for me. More help on the stairs.

It's these people that totally make my day. They don't ask what's wrong, they just simply do what is right. It's without these people that I would not be able to get by. I would not have the independence that I have. I would then have to depend on my friends and family for help everywhere I went. That would eventually lead to a strain on those relationships. I can only hope that I in turn do my part whenever possible to help.

As always, let me know what to write about! And don't forget to follow me on twitter at @LindsMRoach !

Goals for the Future...

Thought I'd take a suggestion from the audience& a good friend.... So these are goals I have for the future...
1. Visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Universal Orlando's theme park
2. Graduate from DMACC with my paralegal certificate
3. Get job with said certificate
4. Ultimate dream job would be Amazon's legal department, specifically the copyright law area as a paralegal, however, that's in Seattle.
5. After obtaining job, move out once through probationary period.
6. Travel to see all of my extended family, where they live, rather than meet up in Iowa for a funeral, as what usually happens.
7. Travel to see the US.
8. Travel the world-wherever that takes me, I have friends that are kinda spread out right now.
9. Visit my friends that live outside of Ames, that some I have not seen since high school. Again, before it comes down to reunions in Ames.
10. Reconnect with those I don't see on a regular basis (so if I see you at least once a week, you're fine)
11. Become a known advocate for cerebral palsy awareness
12. Never miss another teachable moment.
13. Travel as an advocate for cerebral palsy awareness
14. Live in Colorado (Not during the winter)
15. Live in Louisiana-yes I love Cajun flavored food (Not during hurricane season)
16. Find spicy food-so spicy, I cannot finish it.
17. Visit my brother and get to all the places we didn't get to go my first trip out to CA
18. Be happy, I already am, I just want to keep on with that
19. Continue blogging
20. Maybe become a published author-just what would I write about for that many pages? I like my writing like me-short,sweet, and to the point...
21. Finally make it to Zombie Burger...

So there you have it, my goals for the future. Hope you're happy with the list my old friend that suggested this. Note I didn't say anything about relationships, and that's cuz  it's just not a goal of mine. The relationships I'm supposed to have, I'll have.

Disabilities in the Media

I don't normally rant, but when I do...
Anyways here I go. How many TV shows or movies can you think of that have characters with disabilities?...Now how many of those characters are in wheelchairs? Are deaf and go to a special school? How many walk among the "normal" people? How many are accepted by their peers?  Treated normally?

What I'm trying to say is that if you need a character with a disability they are most likely in a wheelchair or deaf. Does that really represent disabilities correctly? No. Are those ever the main characters, maybe, but they are usually treated differently. Now I don't know about other people with CP, I can only speak for myself. But CP is not as well represented in the media that is television and movies, or at least not growing up. Now granted there was a Miss Iowa that has CP,in like 2008 I believe, and there was a comedian  with CP. But that's about it. There were no TV shows that had someone with CP fitting in, being considered normal among their peers. If anything there was a show that had a kid in a wheelchair being taken care of. Or a deaf kid, being taken care of. Nothing like what I've actually experienced, nothing like that of a normal life, and oh, by the way, they have CP. My point is this, if disabilities ARE represented it's usually with a wheelchair, the characters, are usually looked down upon, it's never anyone with a mild disability that has assimilated into the norm. Nothing like what I actually experienced. There needs to be better representation of CP in the media. There needs to be a more accurate portrayal in the media. Now if any show writers that happen to be in the biz see this. I demand half credit for having given you this idea, I'm serious...

Typing...

So with a few hours left before I have to go to work, I thought I'd blog a little. Typing with CP has always been an issue. I don't type normally. I can't, again it's in the details. Granted I haven't really let it slow me down. I still graduated a semester early, I still got all As and a B in school this last semester.

I just type mostly with my left hand. I also do type at a slower rate, at 30 wpm (words per minute) whereas a legal secretary types  at an average of 90 wpm. Luckily I'm studying to become a paralegal. So I'm hoping that doesn't factor in as much. Otherwise they should really make a certain wpm required for entrance into the program.

Now through school growing up and even at ISU I never got disability assistance.I know I was evaluated in grade school, after the evaluator finally realized I was the one to be evaluated. Like I've said before I can usually hide my CP if I want to. Even back then. However being at DMACC, has forced me to seek disability assistance. Since I couldn't type as fast, I decided to get that buffer so that I could get extra time on in-class writing assignments if needed. Since my professor couldn't give me extra time without documentation, and I get that. I had to. I was again so afraid of being talked down to. However, the campus disability services liaison is really understanding of my CP, and knows that when it comes to my intelligence, I'm just fine, my CP is a purely physical disability. So I guess disability services isn't that bad, and I let my own stereotypes get to me at first.

There are people out there that will talk down to a person with a physical disability though, and that's probably what I hate most. It's what I fear the most, that once I can no longer hide my CP, that someone will start talking to me like I have the comprehension like that of a four year old. Typing is a dead give away that something is not normal with my right hand. I feel vulnerable to ridicule when I'm typing. I also feel bad when someone just tells me to type normally, I suppose I should feel flattered that again, they think I'm normal, but no. Just really, no. I'm not. I'll never be normal, and that's okay. Being normal sounds boring anyway.

Advocacy...Part 1

So it was through contacting United Cerebral Palsy, that I got in touch with Easter Seals of Iowa. For those that don't know Easter Seals in general provides a variety of services for adults, youths, and veterans. If you know of Easter Seals then you probably first think of their camp program. This ranges from youth to adults. They have different themed camps for people with disabilities. Have I ever been to camp? Yes, but a different one, not especially geared towards disabilities.

So what am I doing with Easter Seals? Advocacy of course. Lately it's been emailing state senators and representatives. What about? Why saving funding for those programs that deal with mental illnesses, and physical and developmental disabilities, of course. I've only gotten one response from a senator who had stated he voted in favor of keeping the funding, but hey, I got a response! And a good one at that! Later this month I'll be visiting the camp, and going on a tour and have a meeting, hopefully telling me what more I can do for them! All  I know is I'm excited for what the future holds when it comes to the opportunities to advocate.

As always tell me what you want to read about, and follow me on twitter at @LindsMRoach !

My Friends

So for the most part to my knowledge, my friends are not like me. They don't have CP. To my knowledge they all happen to be able-bodied. I never befriended any of the kids that were like me, that had CP or other disabilities. Why? Because the school system kept me separate from the special needs kids. Because having such mild cerebral palsy, even I thought to myself, I hope I'm not coming off like them.

What does like them mean even? Well it means the stereotypical disabled person, unable to communicate with the normal world, without being talked down to like that of a four year old. It means the ones sitting there drooling uncontrollably,  tapping a hand at their chest, as others sit there and imitate them. I always hoped I did not fit the stereotype, and so I hid my CP as long as I could from my friends. Until I needed a hand with something in PE.

 Even to this day I don't discuss it first thing with my friends, I wait till I need a hand, and then explain. I worry that if I tell people I have CP first thing, they won't bother getting to know me on a friend level, but rather as a person with a lower intelligence level that they must take care of. Now granted that's not really giving my friends that much credit. My friends are awesome, and have treated me normally, even after finding out. It just made them more likely to stop and ask if I needed a hand with stairs, or something like that. I would be screwed without them. They really have proven themselves as friends to me. They've been there through my graduations, my first jobs, as well as my parents separating, and my bouts of depression and anxiety. They've answered those late night panicked calls, and offered up solutions to my problems, and to this day I am amazed that any of them saw me through those roughest days. Yes  I am truly lucky to call them my friends.

My Coworkers

My coworkers throughout the years have been varying in their acceptance of my CP.
The bakery coworkers are awesome in general. They are supportive of me, lend a hand when needed, or joke around about things when need be. A few are from a different generation and so do not always know when something is a compliment or an insult, but for the most part, they are an accepting bunch, and I wouldn't trade them.

Coworkers I had at the emergency youth shelter I worked at were not as accepting of my CP, they would stare, make fun of the way I walked, insult my intelligence, call me autistic when I'm not. They were all around nasty towards my CP.

When I verified employment, my CP never really came up, no one ever noticed it as it was more of a solo job.

When I worked at a craft store, it came up, as it effected my speed. One of the managers was downright mean to me because I was slower. And so, I left.

When I worked retail, it never came up, I left due to needing to focus on my schooling.

What I'm really trying to convey is this; my coworkers I have now are really awesome when it comes to my CP. However not all of my coworkers everywhere have been as accepting. Some do make fun of it, despite having been adults. Sometimes I've been able to hide my CP. Some are not so lucky. Please consider this before criticizing your coworkers. They could end up writing a blog about you... I felt the need to write this after having mentioned my workplace, that while some customers don't quite get it, most of my coworkers are cool about it.

The Stares I Get

Living with CP has never been easy. Especially when you factor in the stares I get.
The stares at my hand,
The stares at my foot,
The stares while running,
The stares while doing stairs,
The stares while swimming,
The stares from my own family,
The stares from those I would later call friends,

The thing about staring is this. It solves nothing, and helps no one. If you want to know what's going on, just ask! It's not considered rude anymore! What is rude is to just stare at me and assume my intelligence has magically dropped, and start speaking slowly. Or what's worse is when someone assumes I'm faking CP, and that I can just start moving my hand and foot normally...NO! That's almost flattering you think I'm able-bodied, but, NO!

Or I like to think of it this way-at least I have something to stare at... It makes the stares hurt less...

The College Years, the First Time Around...

College at ISU was great. People  were super helpful if you looked like you needed a hand. No one stared at my hand for long, there wasn't enough time. I was in a women's choir called Lyrica for 3 of my 3.5 years there. Yes, I graduated a semester early. What with? Why a B.A. in Criminology and Criminal Justice, & Sociology.

 Now throughout my time at ISU I had the stereotypical roommate that was a gigantic slut my sophomore year, I mean seriously, a different guy would wake up in our room, every weekend and she had a boyfriend. Now once I had gotten up the guts to talk to her about having found enough used condoms on the floor with my croc. She had decided to move out. I somehow don't remember being sad at all about it.

I then got really lucky with the roommate selection junior year. I lived with three great ladies who even baked me a birthday cake! My time spent with them restored my faith in roommates, not all being gigantic freshman sluts. I was sad when the year was over, and I still keep in touch with one of them to this day.

Back to my time spent in Lyrica, it was awesome, I loved every minute of it, and still  keep in touch with many of the ladies I met, to this day. We could often be found leaving the music hall singing all the way to, and even on the campus bus. We got a small amount of applause each time. That doesn't mean the CP didn't factor in. Of course I was almost always in the back or top row. Meaning thanks to CP, I needed help down the risers. Luckily I made friends with whoever I stood by, and they were more than willing to lend a hand.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that college was so much better than high school to all those kids out there. Yes, it is important to talk to your roommate about their sleeping habits if you share a room, first thing, before you wind up with a used condom on your shoe. And so you can avoid the situation of having two people snoring across the room, as you walk out to get breakfast. Very important kids.

Also,  what do you want to read about, please comment! Please follow me on twitter at @LindsMRoach

The High School Years

Ahh, high school. A time most would want to forget, including myself. Throughout high school there were those that would physically trip me, for being different, and those that would scold them for doing so. There were those that would call me ugly, only to then ask out one of my best friends who just heard them call me ugly *note-I didn't say they were smart*. They got turned down promptly. I had friends I trusted, show themselves, into being that of a  drugged up blob, that I had to separate myself from. They may see it as my betrayal, but I know who really the traitor was. It was the people who called themselves friends, then never showed up for class, they were busy with their friends doing drugs, drinking, and all around not caring about the future they once told me they wanted. Oh well, the last I knew they had both started families, seemed content without me, and so it was the reason why I never reconnected with either of them. We are all better off without me being friends with them. You have to re-evaluate who you surround yourself with sometimes, and in high school after sometimes 10+ years of friendship, that didn't make it any easier.

On to a happier note though, I  did make friends who have stayed by me when I have been through some of my darkest days. Friends that I have now known for 10+ years. I eventually made it into the auditioned choir at my school. I did solo contests. I got good grades(except for geometry-can't help ya there). I made acquaintances I still keep in touch with. I held my first job at the bakery where I  made friends or rather family, that I still keep in touch with or work with to this day.

Not all of it was a bad experience, and to see so many teens taking their lives now days for being different, is truly a depressing thing. While yes there were those out there that were toxic, there were some people that I would never trade, and  nothing in that experience that I would do differently. It helped make me who I am today, and to any teens out there, please be alive to see that point too!

The Middle School Years

So middle school was a little rough for me. In seventh grade I got beat up at a bus stop. Why? Because I didn't feel like talking to two boys I knew had been violent in the past. So they started beating me up. I wore baggy clothes so no one would see the bruises, so no one would see my body, so I could dress in layers and maybe the bruising wouldn't be that bad. They took nothing from me. They would tell everyone I cried, but I never did in the approximate three months they beat me five days a week. I even tried sitting down, that didn't make it stop, they just beat me over the head with whatever was available-a spare piece of wood someone had left at the curb-they beat me with one day till I had a visible bump on my head. Then another day they brought what appeared to be a gun, and a turkey baster to the stop. I wouldn't eat a chip off the ground so they told they were holding a gun to my head. I felt something at my skull. I'll never know if it was truly a gun, or the baster-I was too afraid to look, and the bus came so they put it away. It was then that I saw a light for a minute. I had to tell someone, it would be winter soon, and I wouldn't be able to just sit down in the snow.

So I told my Mom, the solution was to drive me to school. One day however it was left to my Dad to drive me to school, he devised a plan. It turns out one of the neighbors had seen the beatings taking place, on this day, my father found this neighbor  and told them to watch. My dad hid in his van that was parked across the street.Now the two boys walked past the van everyday*note-I didn't say they were smart*. Today though, things were different, that day they threatened to record the beating,  and show it at the next school dance. Before they could get started, Dad popped out of the van, and started scolding them, and the neighbor came out of her house, I ran to the neighbor and missed what was said by my dad that day. We tried to press charges, but seeing as I didn't know for sure if it was a real gun,and all the days blurred together, we weren't able to- only a police complaint.

Eighth grade was a different story. The baggy clothes disappeared, and in their place were more form fitting ones. I had always eaten plenty of food, only to be called too skinny, or worse, skinnier. One day I had had enough, I convinced myself that if I stopped eating, that would make me look a healthy weight, and people would shut up about it...Well I had gotten to the point where I had stopped eating breakfast and lunch. I reached a size 0. My stomach appeared to cave in almost. That's when my friends that had gone to treatment for eating disorders stepped in, and told me that's how  it started for them. They convinced me that if I wanted to ultimately be fat, then I should stop eating entirely, screw up my metabolism, and never be skinny again once I started eating again. It was then that my best friend at the time told my Mom what was going on one day after school, I confirmed it was true. It was then that I stopped skipping meals, it was then that I realized the friends that had called me too skinny were overweight, and trying to make me feel bad for having looked what was really a healthy size to begin with. I had to re-evaluate who I surrounded myself with.
I myself am now slightly overweight and trying everyday to get back to a healthy weight, the healthy way. However, it's now slightly harder to do. I do love my body the way I am now, and would never take such drastic measures again.

So if you're being beat up, tell someone-ASAP- before it gets to a gun, and if someone tells you you're too skinny, chances are they are overweight themselves and trying to make you feel bad. Don't listen to the haters either way, rise above it and change your surroundings.