Nobody Told Me

I got this idea from a Buzzfeed UK/Buzzfeed Facebook post...so if you haven't, check them out...

What nobody told me about having depression...
How to get out of my darkest days, how much I could hurt those around me, how much I would hurt myself, how many people would gather around me, how much weight I would lose once on regular medication, how much better I'd feel about myself-once on regular medication, how many good days I'd have, what those days would be like, and who would be in them, that I would overcome it-most days...

What nobody told me about having anxiety...
How bad it would get, how many nights I'd sit frozen, unable to do anything but scream at those I love the most, how much I'd worry about things out of my control, how many people would respond to my frantic texts, how quickly they'd respond, how kindly they'd respond, how I'd become closer friends with some, how I would have an as needed med for anxiety, and not taken it in about a year, because I would overcome it-most days...

What nobody told me about having CP...
That things would always be different, harder at first, I'd never be normal, that I would always need an extra hand,how cruel others can be, how kind others can be, that I would still have normal friends, be treated normally, not spoken down to, how quickly I can adapt, how easily I would overcome it- most days...

Most days I have conquered what nobody told me I could, what actually some were unsure I would ever come out of fully, and I have...

Today, I Found Sloth Socks...And Other Thoughts...

     So, today I really did find sloth socks. Of which I shall add to my Bakery Girl Costume. Which if you don't know which bakery that is family&friends, let me know, and I shall let you know somehow, so you can come see me in action as Bakery Girl-and buy a donut or something...

     Also, so some girl that totally trashed my singing abilities, back in the ye ol' high school days, stopped into the bakery the other day. I won't name names. She was nice, I was nice in return, she even remembered MY name. Shocker, considering the way she talked about me. After she left I explained to my coworkers the backstory, which got me thinking, maybe people do change, but to what extent...Chances are that she was just being nice because I had access to the baked goods at that particular moment...But she's not the only one of my former classmates to stop in. And not the only one that ever knowingly spoke ill of me. I am nice to all my former classmates when they come in, because I have to be, it's my job. I can't see my face, but chances are I was still smiling, as I can't help but do. It's these people I have no problem telling the total to. I guess I have become the bigger person in these cases. My best advice is to save it for whispers in the backroom after they leave, to anyone that doesn't know how to deal. Or if you're still in high school and reading this, good luck, it's hard to be nice-after a tough situation, but you can do it-Then tell your friends/coworkers, again, AFTER they leave.

     That also makes me wonder, who all was I unknowingly mean towards, I don't remember anyone in particular from back in the day...Most people I run into do say "hi" first even, but it makes you wonder. If I was unknowingly mean to you, know this, I am sorry, but I don't even remember what I did to you...Time to move on for you, as much as it is for me...

     The thing I guess to focus on is how much good I'm doing now... Raising awareness of CP, anxiety, and depression, studying hard to get my paralegal certificate, so I can do good for someone-where ever it is that I end up...As well as almost always have a smile on my face, except when trying to scowl unsuccessfully...

Oh well, readers, family, and friends, I guess what I'm trying to say is do as much good as possible, try not to bring anyone down with you, and try not to sink to their level.

Also, family and friends-don't forget to come see me as Bakery Girl!

Thanks for all the 1,407 views-from ALL the countries, that is unbelievably cool to me at least-here's to many more to come! Please share with your family and friends! Follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach 

You Don't Have To Like This.

I've seen a lot of friends and family post stuff on Facebook about being pro-life, so I thought I'd explain my reasons for being pro-choice...

First and foremost, NO ONE should have control over another body. So really, this should not even be a political issue. Abortion is only allowed to be safely completed up until a certain point in the pregnancy as is...As such, I believe vasectomies should be mandatory at a certain age, so that men, have just as much control over their own bodies as women do. No, it's not the same thing, but really-there's nothing that is equivalent.

The point I'm trying to make with this suggestion, while partially a joke is this, women are already having our bodies controlled for our own safety, if you're a man reading this, I'd be careful as things become equal, if I were you, put yourself in a woman's shoes-know there are options out there for you-to a certain extent, how long in your life do you really want to be paying child support? Tuition? In to your retirement, men? I make this suggestion for your own safety...How old is to old to be having kids? There are many male celebrities, political figures, however they define themselves, that I believe to be too old. Sure there will be money to see these children through their roughest days, but will their parents be there too? Could having these children so late in life be termed some form of reckless abandonment?To think you may not see them grow into adults with families of their own...

I will say this, I am very glad to have never been in the position to have to choose...But if I ever am, I hope I still have that choice to make...

More than anything about my pro-choice stance is this-abortion SHOULD be between each individual woman, her doctors, and whatever each individual woman believes. Knowing that what I believe as a Lutheran woman, there is only one fit to judge for what we do, and that one is not me. Also knowing we are ALL sinners, and we sin in different ways,  I cannot judge anyone...

Lazy...I Think Not...

One of the many random thoughts that popped into my head, was this-one of my high school  teachers called me lazy one day. I don't know why this sticks with me to this day. No one now, that I work with, would call me lazy, truly, I don't think that teacher knew me well. I also should have reported him to the principal when it happened, although then I didn't know the systems as well as I do now. Teachers should not be able to say things like that.
How could he call me lazy?

Me, who had a job at fourteen.
Me, who turned in ALL my homework in on time, yes, in his class.
Me, who went to all the home football games.
Me, who made it into Concert Chorale.
Me who got "2" ratings at solo contest, 3 points away from a "1", and why, my right hand.
Me, who did dance committees.
Me, who was the co-president of the gay-straight alliance at my high school, sophomore year.
Me, who dealt with finding out about my grandmother's murder via a newspaper clipping at age 12.
Me,  who listened to my parents fighting.
Me, who wondered when my father would finally crack.
Me, feeling uncontrollable worry.
Me, who worried about what others would think, when my clothing& coats smelled like smoke.
Me, feeling depressed from all the fighting.
Me who studied  hard to maintain at least a 3.0 gpa.
Me, who had a brother with a 4.0 gpa.
Me, who never felt normal.
Me, who was called ugly, by someone I once cared for.
Me who was beaten by two boys in middle school.

But lazy, really? I think not.
I know I'm 26 years old.
I know I graduated from ISU a semester early.
I know I now have a 3.56 gpa.
I know that if I maintain my grades, I'll graduate with honors.
I know I love where I work.
I know I sing as loud as I can in my car, when I think no one can see, with my windows up.
I know I get my homework done on time.
I know that my clothes don't smell like smoke.
I know I'll never be normal, who wants to?
I know I'm beautiful, inside and out.
I know I'm in control of those thoughts that worry me.
I know I have a life worth living.
I know I have homework I should be working on right now.
I know I need to use coping skills like blogging, when I have a thought like this.
I know to take care of myself first, worry about others opinions never.
I know I'm not lazy.

My point is this, teachers should not call their students lazy. It just labels them, not motivate them, and overall hurts your relationship with your other students too. Also don't call your students lazy, you have NO idea what's going on in their lives, how dare someone have called me lazy back then. Even more so, how dare they call me lazy now. Lindsay is just not synonymous with lazy, procrastinate-because I'd end up back at Mary Greeley again, yes, if that's how you see it. I see it as taking care of myself first, life happens-deal with it teachers, the world does not revolve around you.

Popular...

So I ran into a classmate about a month ago, that I never really knew that well, yet, they remembered my name- so that got me thinking, just how popular was I back in the day. I would say not very, I had my small group of friends, and that was about it.

Although, I did know people through the bakery, so people were always nice to me because I had access to baked goods, powerful thing that is. I also was on the dance planning committees because well, I like planning and controlling things, part of the anxiety I was able to put to good use.

So while no, I was not a loner, I was not popular by any means, just well known enough to always have somebody to talk to or work with in whatever class/situation I was in.  Those friends like "A" and "B", used to call me a prep, another sign, they didn't know me well at all...Anyways...

Much the same can be said today. People are nice to me, because I work at the bakery, I generally try and be a nice person if at all possible, and I do work. While no, there are no longer any dance planning committees, I try and stay involved at my church. What with skits, random meal servings, and let's not forget, choir. Which I miss doing, but am excited I shall sing with the women at least, as part of the LWML (Lutheran Women Missionary League) Sunday. THIS SUNDAY!!!

Am I popular now? Well, as a 26 year old, is there any measure of how popular someone is? Not really, folks...Popularity is a concept created in the schooling system to make you feel bad folks, that's what I've discovered, I mean, there are celebrities-who are fellow humans, so I guess there is a measure of popularity even as an adult, but do I really want the privacy invasion that most of them suffer from-No, my anxiety, and depression, just don't need it.I try and think, were any of those kids that I considered to be popular, still that way, no, they developed into human beings, much like all of us had to, probably why they remember me so well, a reminder of when they were somebody, if only for a moment...And if I can help them feel that way, I'm happy to-either that, or the guy saw my key-chain with my name on it. Meh.

Who cares, probably nobody, as people generally only care about matters concerning them, take me for example-I'm not immune to this, I'm just as self-absorbed as the next. So think about it, the next time someone offends you, are they really trying to offend you, OR most likely, do they not even care about your piddly little problem, as they're busy worrying about their own? Not intentional, but you do learn in sociology, we all worry about ourselves, and as a person with social anxiety, I see this in action, through all interactions whether it be WORK(not naming names), school, or wherever else. Should it be this way? Yes, because you have to take care of yourself first, everyone else is secondary to you. So the next time, before you go getting all huffy over someone, think...

Lately, I Just Don't Know...

So I was thinking today, and I thought of this,

I got a phone call from a classmate today, confused and not sure what to make of part of an assignment, wanting my help. Now just the last week, I had helped them, and when I needed help, they just stated they had already found it, but thanks for helping them. Now, I did not arrange a time to meet with them, or to help them. But frankly, if you screw me over in my time of need, what motivation do I have to help you? Will I end up helping them if they're still puzzled on Sunday? To the best of my ability, considering I'll have my own research to do.

Also, I won't name, names, but at the DMACC campus I attend, there is one person that always says hi to me, and so I say it back, and hold a short conversation with him. I'm not the only person he starts a conversation with, and from those other strangers' reactions, I don't believe they were acquainted either...But that got me thinking, how connected to devices we all are, and how much one hello can do  for a person's day. He usually gets my name wrong, but on the other hand there's how many other blonde haired girls with glasses out there? I can't fault him too much, he's trying. How many times do I not even say hello to people, what if I did? How little of an effort does that take? How many of my friend's, family's and coworker's problems could be solved by saying hello?

My grandfather, who passed away about 5 years ago, I always remember as one that would strike up a conversation with a stranger...Maybe I should be more like that, it would sure beat getting starred at because of the CP. How much could a smile, eye contact, and one syllable do? How bad could it be? Maybe that should be the new "it" challenge, starting a conversation. How hard could it be? maybe I should find out?