Lately I Just...

    Writing a book is harder than it looks, Dear Readers. Hence why I'm still on maybe 3 to 4 pages in... But in the meantime I do blog/diary when the opportunity presents itself...Yes I journal for the whole world to see...You could say that it all started when I was really little, and at a Pella family Christmas, one of my male cousins, or in actuality second cousins, (I can explain, Dad was raised by his Uncle and Aunt, so I grew up till age 13 thinking they were 1st cousins, Why? Cuz I was a very self-centered little girl) gave me a journal/ Diary (don't ask why you would use one or the other IDK, google it and get back to me) that I would write my school crushes in, which I know for a fact, some have read this blog, or at least liked my posts 👍😀😁😂. Furthermore some may be reading this right now...

     But anyways, Dear Readers, Facebook and social media does have constraints, so I only know so much on that...That one diary turned into far too many diaries, and I'm sorry dear cousin, did nothing for my handwriting, which is still a strong " Unique accordion style", but then it turned into me having my own computer, away from the crazy-strict parental controls, of my right-wing extremist Father, who thought that me being a co-president of Spectrum (the lgbtqA emphasis on the A-for Ally), that I was going to be turned into a lesbian...despite the fact that I'm an ally so that my friends and family that are L, G, or B, or something else, were not attacked for being so (Emphasis on the wrong one, Dad)...

     So I graduated from college once, lived a little, failed & got up again-a little, went back to school and during that experimented with blogging,  where I could write and have my handwriting not factor in, in the least...AS WELL as being a safe experiment than drugs or alcohol as when I started this blog in 2015, I was legal to use all those, and on enough prescribed meds, that I had given up alcohol, and had no interest in drugs.

      My former bosses up until the point though, whether I was leaving, due to them covering for their favorite male employees, far too many times, and it was complete sarcasm-shortly after being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, or had known me since I was 5 years old, and let me call them "Grandma" and genuinely meant it, always told me " You should be a writer"...As such I'm still taking their advice, and plan to celebrate once done...So there...


Yes readers this blog is like my side of any conversation with me, random!

I want to know what "Normal" is...

Readers,

So my therapy appointment went well last Friday, and I feel hopeful that my ruminating thoughts and doubts might be able to return to being kept at bay...As the sad fact is,  that anxiety and depression, can only be treated, never cured, you might be in remission, but the thoughts and doubts will always be lurking in the background.

To help myself out after the power steering went out on my car, I cranked it all the way back to the dealership, blinkers blazing the way. last Saturday, and then was dumbfounded when I had chest pains on Monday as I was going to my fave bookstore, then to my temp job (Which ends Friday-then it's back to bakery!)...

I celebrate the other half of #Lindsaity's birthday Friday with her, and must say I'm quite excited to catch up over the last few weeks since the book sale. I wish her the best of Birthdays coming up seeing as it is quite the milestone...

Basically readers, I'm awaiting my life's return to "normal", if there is such a thing, I'm slowly thinking about what to save for my memoir about my life so far. Yes, I'm still working on that...

Stay tuned...

All I have to do...

     Yes readers, it's been far too long, and right now, with my anxiety and depression on the rise, I'm hoping someone, somewhere, out there in the blog-o-sphere will hear, comprehend what I'm saying, and just listen to my first world problems, that a nearly 30 year old has had, any nearly 30 year old has had. And when I say nearly 30, I mean in August, and I still live in the same house, with my Ma, yes, I had an early twenties crisis, and now that I've had a month or so without a therapist ( seeing one on Friday), an almost 30 crisis...
     My younger child-like self would be exponentially disappointed with me...I'm not a do it all-er as I once hoped, no professional singing gig, no professional writing deal, no judging or lawyering, I'm not even a paralegal at the moment... I'M. NOT. EVEN, a traffic directing officer, as I believe I once wanted to be...
     On the bright side, I work at a bakery on Saturdays right now, and a temp job as an admin assistant that I am #blessed to say, I accepted, wondering how long it is before I'm back at the beloved Bakery, the safety net, upon which I have come to rest, when the rest of my privileged world is crashing around me for the last 15 years...
     I've decided I'm meant to be an angry, bitter, old, lonely woman, as men my age range, or boys, are too drunken to realize, I'm not automatically, hopping in to bed, based on some random ass conversations, nor is my still technically teenage friend, whose Father, you technically are old enough to be...Pervs.
     Yes, mentally, I am crumbling, yet on the outside, am perky, smiley, and couldn't be happier, no, nothing drastic will happen readers, but stay tuned, for more in the ongoing battle that is me being double-teamed by anxiety and depression...See all I have to do, is blog.
     
       

The 2018 Christmas Season

I've been thinking...My family is my family, my friends have shown themselves this year, I love them dearly , Those that have shown themselves to not be friends, I still wish them the best, as I know it's not good to harbor ill-will towards others, and I genuinely am indifferent about them as they are towards me...I know I am fully capable of holding a grudge, but do not even harbor ill-will against my Father, instead I pray someday he comes to his senses-gives up the strong political stances-he has not, hence as a 29 year old woman, I choose to distance myself, from someone who verbally, mentally and emotionally was abusive as a child and a teenager.

No, I still hold strong that someday I really will get world peace, however brief, I will get it. The creepers of the world will get help that is needed, and stop creepin' on me...That day however, is far from today I believe.

I wish all of you dear readers, a Merry Christmas, do not forget the true reason for the season, but rather, focus on all he did and wished for the world, peace and love for one another.

#NoMoR

     Dear Readers,
So some other things occurred to me today...

      I really do enjoy Sunday School teaching! I have a great group of youths in my class, and overall, no problems...Everyone keeps asking me if I do, so just thought I'd clear the air on that topic.

     World CP day was yesterday October 6th, 2018, I didn't wear green, I plum forgot to write a blog post, so I scrambled after I got home from work and just made a status saying that I have CP on FB.

     Then I got to thinking about everything I say after Pastor's sermon on "Taming the Tongue" How often do I respond to hatred with hatred, anger with more anger, knowing full well that two wrongs simply do not make a right, not even when someone uses the dreaded "R"-word against me, should I retort, or gossip about them now, about a word that they were having with a mutual friend while I was on a staircase at the mutual friends house, my Freshman year of College. Did I tell one person about this young woman doing this, no, after she stopped in the bakery this past week, as if she didn't even know my name, let alone what she had called me, I was enraged by this and told everyone at the bakery, as well as all of you now...

     Is there any sort of #MeToo movement for the "R" word, are people that say "Retard/ed", are their lives ruined, reputations tarnished, branded as evil,fired from jobs...The answer is no. These people are laughed with, make up part of a mob mentality that lingers on, that is hateful towards the disabled, that's the mentality that leads to people being beaten simply because THEY ARE Disabled.

AND NO, I am not saying that being sexually assaulted and being disabled are one in the same, just saying there is not enough being done for other oppressed groups, and while yes while I do stand in support of those women and men that have been hurt, we are leaving out a group of individuals that in certain circumstances cannot advocate for themselves...

Observations October 5th, 2018

     Hello readers,
So it's been at least a month if not longer since I typed you...We are now in October, 2018, the month where "slutty whores" can dress up as, well, their "true colors" shall we say, and where I am racking my brain trying to figure out how to get " The Sloth" onesie into my Board of Youth "Owl" you need is Jesus Trunk or Treat theme...Speaking of which, if you have any ideas on how to tie the two together, lemme know!

     It also occurred to me that while I love the bakery, I need to step out on my own once again, doing cold calls and trying to find someone who just might hire a non-bilingual paralegal... With about a year of experience...

     I also cannot be a binge watcher because, well, I've got too much crap going on to do so, however, I'm finding the good in TV and social media and using it to distract myself from my real issues...Which then allows me to work on said issues say, Daddy issues for example, in therapy, with a unbiased professional...

     Basically I'm still the same ol' Linds, you've all come to know, that's finally starting to get to the root of the problem, and am starting to come to terms with the stuff that I cannot control...

July Flying By...

     I am just FULL of realizations today, dear readers...Like how we are almost halfway through the month, and I have yet to blog something. So, here ya are!

     I have gotten a full-time job in an office setting, worked two days, then gotten "let go", luckily I still have the ever wonderfully weird Bakery to fall back on...A bicycling event is stopping in town, I will not be a part of it, just probably selling donuts and the like, at the beloved bakery in town. I've had almost a complete turnover of mental health care providers, so yes, I have been having much "fun" with that-trying to get appointments set up. Lately I've attended garden art fairs and book sales, been reading ( I like to have at least 6 books going at once), relaxation afternoons with a friend, missional community-FOR CHURCH...training at work, eating, sleeping, repeating, and trying to stay altogether while trying to figure out what to write in my draft of my memoir next...Not to mention preparing for vacation bible school at the church later this month, as well as being a Sunday School Teacher later this fall, praying with all my might, that everything will be made clear for me, and that it happens sooner rather than later...

     So if you have any ideas on what to write next-I'd love to hear them!

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