I Had Nothing To Do With It

So the bakery had, a regular customer, I shall call "Buttercup", only because, to me,  she was most of the time, anything but. I say had, as she has passed away recently, which has left me with mixed emotions...Why? You ask...

She asked if she could have a refill of coffee for buying an iced tea-two different prices, scolded me for dumping the coffee too early, when I asked what kind of coffee to save,so I could dump the others not in use...But in more recent visits, was kind, and understanding, of issues, like the coffeepot running over because a screw had fallen out of the lid...It was strange the sudden shift...

So now I sit in the den, my brother's old room,blogging about my feelings, or the sifting through thereof, because that's what I  do rather than pay the $35 for therapy, because frankly, not to speak ill of the dead, but "Buttercup" is not worth the $35. I know my feelings, however mixed, they're completely normal when one person makes a situation difficult, then is completely nice, then passes away...

My initial reaction was-I had nothing to do with it, no prayers for miracles, as I had with "Shamallama" (See "Nobody's Perfect"), no wishing death upon her. No, this was not my fault. Transitioning into sadness, as she had finally started being nice to me, and I had never gotten to do any Mickey Mouse giggling to see if she would notice the change in voice pitch, not that I actually would have done it, but, just the simple fact, that now I can't... I'm really not sinking into depression, as frankly, from all the trouble she caused me, I finally transitioned into relief, relief that I wouldn't have to skate around the bakery, not knowing what kind of mood she'd be in.

No, do not feel sorry for my loss, I didn't know her that well, there were those at the Bakery that were closer to her, it's not my loss, nor is it a gain, It simply is what it is...