Nobody's Perfect

It's true, nobody's perfect. Neither am I. But where do you draw the line, when pointing it out...

One day at work, we had a new girl we shall call "Shamallama", now this girl was nice enough, sweet enough, talked too much...Seriously, we had a conversation about small talk. She asked me questions, then questioned my answer...And had some aversion to making boxes, which is usually an epidemic at my workplace. She even wanted to go to church with Ma and me-she asked, not us.

But it got to the point where I was taking the trash out, or going to the bathroom and laughing hysterically to get away from her, because she would not shut up! Yes, Shamallama, had gotten the better of me, and by this point I was THISSSS close to going back to the behavioral health unit at my local hospital. So I decided to Windex the cases...

Now usually I do just fine, but that day, I missed a few spots, Shamallama, was happy to point them out, no judgement, once, twice, and then I lost count how many times. She then said "nobody's perfect" (mind you, I've been in a choir for how many years,  and sang solos how many times? but by then I'd lost it, my voice had gone up an octave or so, and I was doing a Mickey Mouse giggle...Also, I had warned my coworkers several times that if I sing at work, we're in trouble).

So I stated quietly, "Don't make me sing Hannah Montana at you..." Shamallama (who claimed to be good at diffusing crisis situations earlier that day) kept right on talking, as if I said nothing, as if my voice had not gone up, and was not giggling like a cartoon character. She left me no choice, so I started singing "Nobody's perfect, I gotta work it..." and by then another coworker came and got Shamallama out of my sight... She was sent home not long after that...

I am one to pray, and that night, I prayed for a miracle, as I was going to have to work with Shamallama again the next day. My prayers were answered. She called Ma at about 4am that day saying she broke her leg, I like to think my praying was just a coincidence to that, but either way, there was a miracle that kept me off the behavioral health unit floor, once again. Now, Shamallama is getting the help she needs, and "Smeagol is free"!

*Note, I used a lot of character references, none of which I have any rights to, but as I am not profiting from this blog, I see no harm*

I Know It's Been Awhile...

Look, I know it's been awhile, but, I've been a busy girl. Between school, work, church choir, hospice volunteering, contract work as a paralegal and not to mention the internship, I've had very little time to do anything but sleep, eat, & repeat.

But on the bright side, I did get graduation announcements, because come May, I'm walking... the only question is, will I have a full-time job lined up?

It does not help when Bubba Joe Jack asks how the job search is going, I was first shocked he even knew. Secondly, it's been a lot of sending out resumes, most of the time to no response, or wanting someone now, or yesterday rather. I'm holding out hope there is a plan for me, and that when the time comes, Amazon will call me back for an interview...again.
See. As the last time they called, I thought it a longshot, so naturally I turned down an interview for a temp job, smart! Right? Ugh! Someone please tell me my thought process there...I could be in Seattle right now...
Anyways, it's not going so great... anyone with a lead on full time paralegal jobs in the U.S. let me know. In the meantime...I'm going to try to figure out if Bubba is anxiously awaiting my departure, or doesn't really want me to go. Not like that's going to stop me...But it would be nice to be missed...

What Would I Tell My Younger Self?

     So "The Mighty", came up with this idea, please check them out on Facebook or something...But what are 5 things I would tell my younger self about living with a disability...Keep in mind I have a triple whammie of CP, depression, and anxiety...So what would I tell myself?

1. That more people will love you than you realize.
Which is true, when i was younger, I had no idea that so many people would want to be friends with me. Nor did I think I would ever be running my own blog. But let's face it. I LOVE all the love I have received from my friends,family, and former classmates. Without your love and support, I would not be doing this still. I also wish I had known this sooner in life, and I would have been way more outgoing in high school for example.

2. Life is going to be hard, but not impossible.
Life is more difficult with my trifecta of disabilities. Hard, because you will always get stares, not knowing the full extent. Hard because there will be times you are so frustrated, all you can do is stare, at the ones you care about the most. You will feel frozen, unable to do anything but scream, hoping that it will get you some sort of release from the voices in your head, the hallucinations around you.The questioning of what's real, but through this you will make more friends, and have more family out there than you realize-making the struggle bearable, although all the bad things will just pile up indefinitely it seems. You will come out of it, stronger than you ever thought possible.

3. You are capable of anything.Whether you do it or not...
The people in my life have made this so, whether it be a roller coaster,escalator, stairs, You can do it. It's just the question of whether you really want to or not. P.E. will not be your friend, that rope is not safe for you to climb, although that one teacher's aide is right, you could have tried, you just didn't want to. Someone, even a perfect stranger, will always be there to help you. You just have to adapt. Survival of the fittest, and look at you, surviving and shit!

4. Not everyone will be willing to help you.
There are some that will be unkind. They will physically beat you, threaten to kill you even. Which is why you have to make sure and value the ones that do help you. Not everyone will have CP since birth, nor will they be given the extraordinary gift of vulnerability, that God has given you. No, some think they are indestructible. You may sometimes wish to have this able-bodied way of life, but it's not for you. You will never outgrow being able to teach strangers, sometime friends, or even family, how to help their fellow human being. This too, will make you stronger.

5. Your attitude is infectious.
I live a life full of primarily positivity. Despite all the hardships, your attitude is infectious, contagious, and will spread to the masses of people you come into contact with. Your smile will be constant, you will learn to leave anyone, be they friend or stranger smiling as well. There will be only a mere few this will not catch on with, and for them, you can only hope they seek professional help.

Don't forget
Twitter- @LindsMRoach
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp

To Bubba Joe Jack (One of them)

I NEED to remind myself of these things...

I refuse to let you make me feel bad...
I refuse to let you make me think I'm stupid for asking you a question about yourself...
I refuse to let you make me feel awkward...(I do that on my own, and ONLY me)
I refuse to depend on you for a feeling of self worth...
I refuse to let you control what I do...Or don't do...
I refuse to think that highly of you, when you don't even ask how I'm doing,
I refuse to be concerned with the thought of pissing you off, I hope this pisses you off, not that you'll ever read this,
I refuse to feel inferior to you,
I refuse to think I'm not going places-come May, you'll see...
I refuse to let myself feel unimportant-thanks to you,
I refuse to actually care about what you think of me,

I basically will remain the same awesome person I am, random,awkward,personable,loyal, and all around lovable...Besides, right now I'm training a VIP at the bakery, so much to focus on, so little time...

Freebie

     This post was inspired by a reader/good friend's(Who shall remain nameless) post on social media. Thank you, and I miss you! Stop in the bakery soon!

     So Ellie May, who may or may not be the previously mentioned one. Stopped in the bakery about a week ago. It was fun to catch up and all. But it soon all went wrong. See not only does Ellie May not work there anymore, not only does she distract Bubba Joe Jack...still, she asked for free donuts, as it was close to closing time. Everyone agreed the decision fell on me. No pressure or anything. Bubba Joe Jack mentioned that we sell icing to a previous employee. I replied "keyword- sell", to which he promptly just stared at me as if a child would that had just been hurt by unkind words. I said "I could ask Vic". To which I knew she would promptly reply "Oh no, that's fine, I just wondered, no need to bother her".

     Which leads me to the post from a good friend stated, "Friends will ask or discount prices. True friends will pay full price, to support you, your time and your work." How silly was I to think Ellie a true friend, however, the post stated that ordinary friends ask for discounts. Ellie was asking for a flat out freebie. So what does that make her? Just how close is she to Bubba to ask a thing like that of us? It seems to me Ellie and Bubba, just aren't as close as they like to think they are...

     In conclusion, what we can take away from this story is that I was silly to think Ellie&Bubba  true friends, even among themselves, and I so totally miss the good friend that inspired this post! Also there was a fourth person/reader/friend that was witness to this event, but she like the good friend is awesome, and so shall remain nameless as well.

Bad Reputation?

     Sorry for forgetting indents last time! Got in a rush, and oops!

     But I got thinking back to this one time in high school, in the choir room...This one girl we shall call "Derwood", you shall see why in a minute, I started talking to. I was being nice,polite, and friendly, as I knew I had mutual friends with this girl;However, I was shocked at her response to my friendliness. Without taking the time to know me at all, Derwood started to say all these bad things about me. That I was mean, fake, and above all else, that I was a terrible friend, to one of our mutual friends we shall call "Kay". Without saying what made me a terrible friend...

     This got me thinking, had we had any fights? No. Did I ignore any phone calls? I didn't get any. I held normal high school self involved conversations with Kay, where we were both guilty of self involvement. To this day, I still plan get togethers with Kay involved, we'll go see a movie and then out to eat...She, meaning Kay, still invites me to her birthday gatherings, which Derwood is not invited to,hmmm? I've messaged Kay on Facebook, when she posts a concerning status update, found out what's wrong...

     If I'm really that terrible a friend to Kay, where's Derwood then? Oh right, busy with a family, last I checked, ignoring Kay...Who's really the bad friend? Maybe Kay was secretly mad at me for something...I don't know what that could have been, and our friendship has certainly moved past...Whatever it was...Derwood though, can't fix her chip on her shoulder. She wants fake, I know where to find it, I guarantee though, it's not me. I'm 'bout as real as they come, always have been, always will be...

Let Me Take a Minute

I need a minute to discuss some things that are important to me...

First off, I am a Lutheran, I believe in God. You, may or may not, that's fine.That's not what this post is about. I was baptized ELCA, confirmed as an adult LCMS, and raised to be, generally speaking, a kind person-and know that I am only a human, and we all sin-above all else. I did not grow up going to church. As such, my personal views are not always based with the church's opinion, but rather, based on the upbringing that my Lutheran mother provided me. That's why I refuse to disown my gay,lesbian,and bisexual family,friends, and other acquaintances. I never was raised to hate someone because of who they love, but instead love them, all the same. For what the church may consider a sin, I sin, just in different ways. Sin is sin, from what I've learned, you can't change that, but that's just it, I don't consider love a sin, never have, never will. Yes, I disagree with the church, yet I still identify as Lutheran, that's what I know, and I don't intend to change that. Don't try to.

Also, when it comes to religion, for a family gathering, I am supposed to come up with a "God sighting" in my life this year. Let's see, after my Grandmother's passing in June, I've been given the opportunity to volunteer at my local hospice house, as a way to give back. I've been given the opportunity to write this blog, which has reached many friends& family, not to mention many countries around the world. Receiving comments, that either make me feel like I'm not the only one with CP, Anxiety, or Depression, something that I struggled with. I've also  received comments that my fellow classmates from high school, will use my blog, to teach important lessons to their children, when they get old enough. So I have been blessed this year, knowing that my struggles will be worth a lesson to the next generation.

And about that memoir, I have a title, a cover, and about three pages that I plan to scrap and start over on. The three pages, that is. The title and the cover stay. So my new year's resolution, is  to get cracking on the memoir, hopefully write the whole thing and just worry about getting it published, but we shall see. These things take time, especially when I'm set to graduate in May of this year, have an internship coming up, hospice volunteering, not to mention church choir. So, please don't think I've forgotten, for all you fans of the blog, out there.

Thanks for all the blog love in 2015, and here's to many more years to come.
Twitter- @LindsMRoach
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