Memoir Process part 1

     So for those that wonder how the memoir's going/ when I'll blog next? Here's your answer...
I have about three pages, double spaced, that looking back on, I think I'll erase, and start over as it makes no sense for me to start the way I did. Unfortunately necessities like school and work, I have allowed to get in the way, but if I'm being honest-Lindsay needs money and the ability of which to go get her big girl job to make more money, so... Those things will continue to interfere.

     As far as titles go, I'm Just Not Drunk Enough To Deal With This Right Now, seems to be the clear winner.Why the title? Well you saw it here first, since being on an antidepressant, you're not supposed to drink alcohol(I've talked to my Doctors). So in certain situations (see About Last Night) I firmly believe I am not drunk enough to deal with them. It's also a joke, from me, wishing I could still drink, like your average 26 year old, since not being able to have more than a communion cup of wine, or small piece of rum cake can be depressing in and of itself. So it would cure all my problems if I was...


     So basically, I'm starting over, when I get a chance...

What I haven't told you...

Here's everything I haven't told you, or written about my time in the behavioral health unit at Mary Greeley about 2 years ago...

I yelled out in the night, groaning and rolling around...having Nightmares/hallucinating that I was being raped...

I yelled out that I was Buzz Lightyear's wife (Why? Cuz Toy Story was on the TV-Think of it as a bad George Glass moment)... To which I then stated there was a reason why I was there...

I also jokingly stated that I was Kitty Pryde (a character from X-men that walks through walls) I was then guided into the door jam by a staff member-who apologized afterwards, while being escorted out of the room, to see the psychiatrist...

I frequently stated I wanted a lawyer...I got one,  and was court ordered to treatment as I was seen as a threat to myself, and others-since I stated that I wanted my former coworkers dead for what they had done to me (I did get the threat to others part dropped)...I'll now be interning in Jan. at that law firm...

Leading up to my stay at Mary Greeley I was hallucinating that former coworkers from the youth shelter were assaulting me at a local grocery store, then coming on the TV whenever my Mother was not there-telling me to go to the hospital-where they would just do horrible things to me...I hadn't eaten more than three bites of soup, in three days, and barely drank anything-yet still went to the city gym, and frequently went to the police station, or called the police station, as I was hallucinating that they were raping me at night...The month before all this I wanted to take my own life, and was not taking the as needed med that I had...No I did not attempt suicide, I just told my Mom I was planning on it, because I was...I did not do it as attention seeking, but rather as a last resort, or so I thought...

After leaving Mary Greeley I was put on a medication that made me lactate. My mother and I both wanted to believe it was just boob sweat. I also shot from 150 pounds to 165. It took a while for me to tell a doctor what was happening, and for them to take me off the med took only a few days. Once finding the right med, it's nice to know that I've dropped over 15 pounds, and I haven't taken my as needed anxiety med in over a year, as my anxiety level just hasn't been high enough.

I also tell you this not as a joke, but rather, to make you realize just what one person with mental illness went through...If you see me, don't make light of this-It brings back bad memories for me...

What I've Found

     What I've found, some people don't like confrontation. I, am not one of those people.That's not to say I love confrontation, I just most certainly am not afraid of saying what's on my mind. There was too long a time where I was afraid to do anything about it. Whatever "it" happened to be at the time. Nowadays however, if asked what is the problem I will tell them flat out, you isolate, or so on and so forth.

     It's come to my attention that this is what relieves my tension and anxiety that builds up in my life. I do assert myself using the proper avenues that should be taken. That's not to say that I don't let stuff build up, because I do. I have been known in the past to let the tension build until I can't take it anymore, then go off on someone that pushes me just a little bit too far. This is termed my going "Hulk mad". No I do not suddenly become some ripped, green version of myself...Instead I begin yelling everything (and I mean everything) that I have against that person. Loud and clear, enunciating every last syllable until it turns into enunciated gibberish, at that point I come back from my blue streak, as it were...

     This time;however, I did not become "Hulk mad"-per my usual, but maintained a timid demeanor...I was afraid of something happening to the other person, I also wanted to be viewed as  a more mature 26 year old, not  a child who had her male classmates mistakenly called racist, when really the person actually was defining sexism, but viewed that as a bad word. Naturally I had to correct the misuse of the phrase. Or that of a 21 year old working two jobs who was mistakenly forced to stay late, when I had to get up and open the next morning at the other job...Naturally I couldn't help informing them that I worked two jobs, and was not just wanting to party on a Friday night...When really, who out there thinks I would do such a thing, that knows me...

     I guess it's progress. Was the problem solved by my being timid? Since that person is getting moved to a different shift. I guess it was more effective than my blowing up at a fellow human being, yet again. My point is no one should be afraid to say what they think. I certainly will not nor have I shied away from doing so.... If something's not right, speak up! That's what I've found...

Nobody Told Me

I got this idea from a Buzzfeed UK/Buzzfeed Facebook post...so if you haven't, check them out...

What nobody told me about having depression...
How to get out of my darkest days, how much I could hurt those around me, how much I would hurt myself, how many people would gather around me, how much weight I would lose once on regular medication, how much better I'd feel about myself-once on regular medication, how many good days I'd have, what those days would be like, and who would be in them, that I would overcome it-most days...

What nobody told me about having anxiety...
How bad it would get, how many nights I'd sit frozen, unable to do anything but scream at those I love the most, how much I'd worry about things out of my control, how many people would respond to my frantic texts, how quickly they'd respond, how kindly they'd respond, how I'd become closer friends with some, how I would have an as needed med for anxiety, and not taken it in about a year, because I would overcome it-most days...

What nobody told me about having CP...
That things would always be different, harder at first, I'd never be normal, that I would always need an extra hand,how cruel others can be, how kind others can be, that I would still have normal friends, be treated normally, not spoken down to, how quickly I can adapt, how easily I would overcome it- most days...

Most days I have conquered what nobody told me I could, what actually some were unsure I would ever come out of fully, and I have...

Today, I Found Sloth Socks...And Other Thoughts...

     So, today I really did find sloth socks. Of which I shall add to my Bakery Girl Costume. Which if you don't know which bakery that is family&friends, let me know, and I shall let you know somehow, so you can come see me in action as Bakery Girl-and buy a donut or something...

     Also, so some girl that totally trashed my singing abilities, back in the ye ol' high school days, stopped into the bakery the other day. I won't name names. She was nice, I was nice in return, she even remembered MY name. Shocker, considering the way she talked about me. After she left I explained to my coworkers the backstory, which got me thinking, maybe people do change, but to what extent...Chances are that she was just being nice because I had access to the baked goods at that particular moment...But she's not the only one of my former classmates to stop in. And not the only one that ever knowingly spoke ill of me. I am nice to all my former classmates when they come in, because I have to be, it's my job. I can't see my face, but chances are I was still smiling, as I can't help but do. It's these people I have no problem telling the total to. I guess I have become the bigger person in these cases. My best advice is to save it for whispers in the backroom after they leave, to anyone that doesn't know how to deal. Or if you're still in high school and reading this, good luck, it's hard to be nice-after a tough situation, but you can do it-Then tell your friends/coworkers, again, AFTER they leave.

     That also makes me wonder, who all was I unknowingly mean towards, I don't remember anyone in particular from back in the day...Most people I run into do say "hi" first even, but it makes you wonder. If I was unknowingly mean to you, know this, I am sorry, but I don't even remember what I did to you...Time to move on for you, as much as it is for me...

     The thing I guess to focus on is how much good I'm doing now... Raising awareness of CP, anxiety, and depression, studying hard to get my paralegal certificate, so I can do good for someone-where ever it is that I end up...As well as almost always have a smile on my face, except when trying to scowl unsuccessfully...

Oh well, readers, family, and friends, I guess what I'm trying to say is do as much good as possible, try not to bring anyone down with you, and try not to sink to their level.

Also, family and friends-don't forget to come see me as Bakery Girl!

Thanks for all the 1,407 views-from ALL the countries, that is unbelievably cool to me at least-here's to many more to come! Please share with your family and friends! Follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach 

You Don't Have To Like This.

I've seen a lot of friends and family post stuff on Facebook about being pro-life, so I thought I'd explain my reasons for being pro-choice...

First and foremost, NO ONE should have control over another body. So really, this should not even be a political issue. Abortion is only allowed to be safely completed up until a certain point in the pregnancy as is...As such, I believe vasectomies should be mandatory at a certain age, so that men, have just as much control over their own bodies as women do. No, it's not the same thing, but really-there's nothing that is equivalent.

The point I'm trying to make with this suggestion, while partially a joke is this, women are already having our bodies controlled for our own safety, if you're a man reading this, I'd be careful as things become equal, if I were you, put yourself in a woman's shoes-know there are options out there for you-to a certain extent, how long in your life do you really want to be paying child support? Tuition? In to your retirement, men? I make this suggestion for your own safety...How old is to old to be having kids? There are many male celebrities, political figures, however they define themselves, that I believe to be too old. Sure there will be money to see these children through their roughest days, but will their parents be there too? Could having these children so late in life be termed some form of reckless abandonment?To think you may not see them grow into adults with families of their own...

I will say this, I am very glad to have never been in the position to have to choose...But if I ever am, I hope I still have that choice to make...

More than anything about my pro-choice stance is this-abortion SHOULD be between each individual woman, her doctors, and whatever each individual woman believes. Knowing that what I believe as a Lutheran woman, there is only one fit to judge for what we do, and that one is not me. Also knowing we are ALL sinners, and we sin in different ways,  I cannot judge anyone...

Lazy...I Think Not...

One of the many random thoughts that popped into my head, was this-one of my high school  teachers called me lazy one day. I don't know why this sticks with me to this day. No one now, that I work with, would call me lazy, truly, I don't think that teacher knew me well. I also should have reported him to the principal when it happened, although then I didn't know the systems as well as I do now. Teachers should not be able to say things like that.
How could he call me lazy?

Me, who had a job at fourteen.
Me, who turned in ALL my homework in on time, yes, in his class.
Me, who went to all the home football games.
Me, who made it into Concert Chorale.
Me who got "2" ratings at solo contest, 3 points away from a "1", and why, my right hand.
Me, who did dance committees.
Me, who was the co-president of the gay-straight alliance at my high school, sophomore year.
Me, who dealt with finding out about my grandmother's murder via a newspaper clipping at age 12.
Me,  who listened to my parents fighting.
Me, who wondered when my father would finally crack.
Me, feeling uncontrollable worry.
Me, who worried about what others would think, when my clothing& coats smelled like smoke.
Me, feeling depressed from all the fighting.
Me who studied  hard to maintain at least a 3.0 gpa.
Me, who had a brother with a 4.0 gpa.
Me, who never felt normal.
Me, who was called ugly, by someone I once cared for.
Me who was beaten by two boys in middle school.

But lazy, really? I think not.
I know I'm 26 years old.
I know I graduated from ISU a semester early.
I know I now have a 3.56 gpa.
I know that if I maintain my grades, I'll graduate with honors.
I know I love where I work.
I know I sing as loud as I can in my car, when I think no one can see, with my windows up.
I know I get my homework done on time.
I know that my clothes don't smell like smoke.
I know I'll never be normal, who wants to?
I know I'm beautiful, inside and out.
I know I'm in control of those thoughts that worry me.
I know I have a life worth living.
I know I have homework I should be working on right now.
I know I need to use coping skills like blogging, when I have a thought like this.
I know to take care of myself first, worry about others opinions never.
I know I'm not lazy.

My point is this, teachers should not call their students lazy. It just labels them, not motivate them, and overall hurts your relationship with your other students too. Also don't call your students lazy, you have NO idea what's going on in their lives, how dare someone have called me lazy back then. Even more so, how dare they call me lazy now. Lindsay is just not synonymous with lazy, procrastinate-because I'd end up back at Mary Greeley again, yes, if that's how you see it. I see it as taking care of myself first, life happens-deal with it teachers, the world does not revolve around you.