Not Asking For Much...

     With all this talk about sexual harassment, you must've known it would only be a certain amount of time before I chimed in about the topic, dear readers...
     I've been catcalled before, but that's about as close as I come, somebody yelling out their window at me...What happens to other women and men too, simply must end. The groping, about to grope/posing for pictures, sexually suggestive comments, all of it. I applaud those that have chosen to find their voice in this battle, unfortunately, it is far from over. Maybe if there was a conscious effort on the accused parts to not do so, but the fact of the matter is there are sick men and women that need help, and I do hope they get it.
     Am I saying that wo/men need to change the way they dress? No. It's not their fault there are some major pervs out there. I will note though that the people just raunchily exposing themselves for the sake of being raunchy on twitter, are indeed gross to see scrolling through my newsfeed, I do try to cut down on that by blocking things whenever possible though.
     I am, however; concerned that sexual harassment is all anyone sees in the news today, either that or some massacre. I want, if possible, people to focus on the good that is in the world. See the kind deeds done on a daily basis. No, there is no need to report back to me the good you've done, that loses the random act of kindness bit, but just to one day hope that some mere stranger will show you the same kindness.
     I believe that my having CP has allowed me to be able to bring out the best in others 99.9% of the time, needing an extra hand, or arm to lean on every now and again, gives me a hopeful perspective on life. I also feel that if everyone would just put an arm out every so often, they may get an arm some day. Remember to ask if the person needs help in most cases though, thereby empowering that specific individual, instead of them feeling weak afterwards.   

Looking Up?

When last we spoke dear readers, I was terrified, to say the least...Now I bring news of hope...


I- have a temp job...For at least a month, as long as I don't screw it up, which I'm sure I'll put my best foot forward, and at least have a pleasant time, while searching for something more in my area of study that I did. I start, supposedly, as long as they don't call me back sooner and tell me not to bother, bright and not too early at 9am tomorrow. It may not be what I wanted per say, but, let's face it, I do NEED money, so I figure why not till something better comes along?

Also, while forgetting my book in my car before setting foot in my therapist's office was tragic for the waiting room scene...They did bring up an interesting idea, a light box system, to help with the seasonal changes that can get a person down, even more. What do real users think? Do they notice a difference? It makes sense, like it should work, I'm just actually asking for opinions for once...

Switching to a completely different topic, I got my parking tags, I feel great, and of course, I used one once...so far, that is...

Spinning you around yet again in the never-ending circle that is a conversation with yours truly, I got my new set of Sloth Christmas cards!!! Get excited!!! I'm hoping 40 is enough, and that maybe the kind people at the local print store will have a deal if you buy your Christmas Letters and Christmas Card Address Labels from them? It could happen... Which brings me to, who else likes to sit down and write a letter to treasured friends and family about your year, and new developments for the next? I know I enjoy writing, and for those few friends and family that write a full letter back, I truly do love reading them as well...If you don't write one, maybe you could start this year? Just a thought? Maybe even a handwritten letter- a dying art...

Well readers, I feel like this has turned out to be a mish mosh of a post, hope you've enjoyed as always,till next time...

Feelin' Down...

     I know, I know, really upbeat title but the fact of the matter is, I am feeling a bit down, not suicidal or anything, just down...

     Like not even the thought of  a Zumba class with one of my best friends from my school days was enough to get me out of the house, even though I really needed to go, weighing in at approximately two hundred pounds give or take a few...

     My work contract is up Friday, and I have felt like I'd grown very comfortable and am going to GENUINELY miss everyone there that I have come into contact with there...As in I cried during my eval in front of my direct supervisor, and not a pretty cry, I mean the tears streaming down, snot involuntarily flowing, bubbling out, ugly crying...What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no job lined up for yours truly. So right now, I'm just worried about going through my savings quickly while waiting for callbacks.
    
     I'm the kind of person that likes being independent...As much as one can with mild CP and having had blood clots and bleeding on the brain, that did nothing for the already shaky body I inhabit.

     That brings me too, dimly lit parking lots with dark pavement at night are getting disorienting, and I can't afford to break anything so I'm starting to avoid certain activities, which is never good, and I know that it is as simple as admitting that I need a parking tag, but to someone who, like me has been SO independent as far as movement, and being able to do what I want, I  sniff the ever-wretched waft of defeat in the air. Does anyone else ever have that problem, being too damn stubborn to just get the tag, or whatever the tag is for you? Surely it can't be just me...

     I know it's been a while, but there's a start, trying to figure out the rest, for later blogs...

I Should Be...

     As you can probably guess from the title, there's quite a few things I should be doing.Let me list them, I should be:
1.Updating my resume-formatting, cool headings and the like...

2. Actually writing a cover letter since my old ones are extremely outdated...

3.  Possibly adding my LinkedIn profile to a fore mentioned resume-since most places ask for it anyways...


4. Organizing my books- I have two overflowing bags there of I have yet to read...

5. Deciding what e-reader to get once I read through said books/price comparisons-Amazon is probably the winner what with the kindle, but there are others that are more cost effective...

6. Cleaning-in general-the den, my room, my areas, my life, I'm all over the place...

7.Prepping for interviews-clearly researching...

8. Doing more job searching-since I don't have anything guaranteed past Nov.12th of this year...


     What am I doing? You may ask yourself...Well going to art festivals, reading one of many books I have to read, and overall avoiding anything work related like it was the plague.Not to mention watching "Poldark" repeats, when not blogging to you, dear readers. Will I ever write something professionally, maybe not, but I will give whomever has to wipe my computer clean  one heck of a something to read before they do. Still have a page and a half worth of essay/memoir material, only. Any thoughts you want my take on, let me know, otherwise, till next time...

Pumpkin Spice Is Nice, and Other Thoughts...

As the title says, Pumpkin Spice is quite nice, and I love it. Not quite as much as I love Egg-nog lattes, but you usually find those in more treacherous conditions, so not quite as accessible. Did I buy little pumpkin spice coffee pods? Of course I did...


Also, for the first time since maybe, junior year of college, I put on make-up, and without looking like a clown. Not that you really need to know this, but considering it was once one of the things my life revolved around in middle/high school, and college Lyrica concerts, deep blue and purple roll-on eye shadow were my faves, I also coincidentally thought I was really hot stuff back then...then reality eventually set in, and I realized my true adorableness as my strongest asset...I know I don't need it, but the fact that I had to take the time to carefully apply it in what is a blurry mess that is my eyesight, I felt accomplished, like I had polished my appearance today.

This brings me to-World Suicide Prevention Day is today, September 10th. If you need help, google it, and look at the countless resources there are, prevention hotlines. As someone who decided to stay on this earth, back in 2013, it was rough...Please allow me to discuss once again my position at the time, I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression to almost the point of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), I let thoughts ruminate in my head. Thoughts that everyone hated me, I was not loved by anyone, alone, separated from friends and family, and quite frankly December 2013, at age 24, was having hallucinations, sometimes taking as needed medication-most often not actually when I needed to, most times turning to having a drink, I was in the behavioral health ward of the local hospital over Christmas that year, as I had at least two if not three plans to kill myself. Once finding medication that calmed me to the point I could tell what was a dream, or nightmare rather, and what in fact was reality. It also made me lactate something fierce. Main thing, it allowed me to be released from treatment on new years eve day I believe. I also had come to the conclusion I no longer wanted to take my life. It did not end there, no I was court ordered to outpatient therapy, regular ol' therapy and medication, that they luckily changed to something that got rid of the lactating till August of 2014.

I still go to regular ol' therapy, and will be on medication the rest of my life. While no, I am not in a relationship, there are people who love me, people who hate me and I constantly have to prove wrong. I have a job now where I feel appreciated, where if I start having a panic attack I can leave, go see my therapist. I understand what wanting to commit suicide, and planning a suicide feels like, what some of what may be going through your head. But whatever your reasons are for leaving this life, I guarantee that with some help, there are more to stay, 4 years after the fact, I can look back on this experience, combine it with almost having my life taken from me what with blood clots and bleeding on the brain in July of 2016 due to birth control pills, and say, staying is so much more worth it than what it may seem. Harder than it looks, but worth every minute of it.

It's not me, It's just you though (93rd post)...

How many times have I mistakenly been called a lesbian? Oh let me count the ways...

Not that I can really blame them, the stereotypical short hair-but not spikey butch looking really-it's more the early stages of a mullet,

The rainbow shoes, the rainbow being associated with lgbtq culture, that I wear quite often,

Not having had a boyfriend since age 9 (all my cute years wasted!).

Nevermind the fact that my male counterparts are doing what?

Being destructive,

Drinking in excess,

But not all of them,

Some are married,

In relationships,

Working-starting a career,

Supporting themselves.


So as one can see, the good ones are in the same stage as me-working hard to earn a living. I love my lgbtq friends, dearly, and want them never to change who they are , just as I love all my friends whom should never change...But if you think that I am anything other than straight, it's the simple fact that you're an ass, and it is just that I probs never liked you to begin with... ahh, unrequited longing, sad, so sad...

Feeling Funky

     So, yesterday marks a year since  went in the hospital with blood clots and bleeding on the brain, and, I don't know why, but it's got me in a funk, as of late. Maybe, just maybe, so you know what depression/anxiety sounds and/or feels like, I thought I'd describe it to you, from my eyes, at least...

     No, depression & anxiety does not automatically mean I'm considering death, but rather, it means...Communicating with people only via email, not even phone calls, being asked by some of those closest to you, to share your "indestructibility"knowing full well that it is not that, but rather, your faith in God, that pulled you through, and that if you could just bottle even a little of that shit- and give it to those you care about, YOU WOULD.....Ohhhh, but you can't. It feels like a million little thoughts rushing around in your head, struggling to get themselves onto the crowded elevators and to the right floors but yet, majority of them get off at the wrong floor at least once, that floor being my memory, creating all sorts of little flashbacks, to what I did wrong. Be it said, did, didn't say, wish I said...And I tell myself, out loud, so that everyone can hear me saying "Linds, you did nothing wrong, you were  a good girl", then I think to myself, why girl? I am a 27 year old woman now, a young-ish lady, if you must.

     It's the constant doubt that others only like you because of someone else you're related to, or that they only like you because you're disabled, and you have to be nice to disabled people, because we can't be anything other than that, nice...When all I want to say is that if you hate me, don't treat me like a friend, no-no, block my crazy ass if that's how you really feel, I can't stand anybody that thinks that...

     No anxiety and depression, is what makes me want to quit one of the places I love most, because I fear I can be replaced by someone else, and that those I hold near and dear in my heart would be able to get out of there without me, even quicker....

     No, right now  am living in constant fear, that I WILL be replaced, if not at one place, in one capacity, then I will at another, in some other way...with nowhere else to go, I am a cat backed into a corner, about to be snatched, and my only option is to claw the eyes out of my foes...as my last defense...

     Whatever happened to me? I don't know...