So the bakery had, a regular customer, I shall call "Buttercup", only because, to me, she was most of the time, anything but. I say had, as she has passed away recently, which has left me with mixed emotions...Why? You ask...
She asked if she could have a refill of coffee for buying an iced tea-two different prices, scolded me for dumping the coffee too early, when I asked what kind of coffee to save,so I could dump the others not in use...But in more recent visits, was kind, and understanding, of issues, like the coffeepot running over because a screw had fallen out of the lid...It was strange the sudden shift...
So now I sit in the den, my brother's old room,blogging about my feelings, or the sifting through thereof, because that's what I do rather than pay the $35 for therapy, because frankly, not to speak ill of the dead, but "Buttercup" is not worth the $35. I know my feelings, however mixed, they're completely normal when one person makes a situation difficult, then is completely nice, then passes away...
My initial reaction was-I had nothing to do with it, no prayers for miracles, as I had with "Shamallama" (See "Nobody's Perfect"), no wishing death upon her. No, this was not my fault. Transitioning into sadness, as she had finally started being nice to me, and I had never gotten to do any Mickey Mouse giggling to see if she would notice the change in voice pitch, not that I actually would have done it, but, just the simple fact, that now I can't... I'm really not sinking into depression, as frankly, from all the trouble she caused me, I finally transitioned into relief, relief that I wouldn't have to skate around the bakery, not knowing what kind of mood she'd be in.
No, do not feel sorry for my loss, I didn't know her that well, there were those at the Bakery that were closer to her, it's not my loss, nor is it a gain, It simply is what it is...
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Me Is Okay
It came to my attention lately, that one of my dear friends from middle school and beyond, whom I've known since the September 11th, was told she was scary, and that it is not okay to be her. My assessment of the situation is that these people/ this person, do/es not know her well. That they are intimidated by her, and have no other way to express their feelings of fear.
I know all to well, that trying to change who you are, eliminate a nervous giggle, does not work. It's the little things that make all the difference, it's the little things that will hopefully drive you to leave a terrible situation, from the sounds of it, my friend, who shall remain nameless.
Find the people who are your equals, who are not in the least bit intimidated by you. Your true friends like me, love who you are, we embrace your weirdness, just as you embrace ours. I know you are a incredibly strong woman, and have been since the day we met. You're a tough nut to crack, which is why I worry as to who is telling you this, who is making you feel this way? Me, I know your opinion is always honest to you, true to who you are, even if we may not want to hear it... You've never been one to hold yourself back from your truth, don't start now.
I know all to well, that trying to change who you are, eliminate a nervous giggle, does not work. It's the little things that make all the difference, it's the little things that will hopefully drive you to leave a terrible situation, from the sounds of it, my friend, who shall remain nameless.
Find the people who are your equals, who are not in the least bit intimidated by you. Your true friends like me, love who you are, we embrace your weirdness, just as you embrace ours. I know you are a incredibly strong woman, and have been since the day we met. You're a tough nut to crack, which is why I worry as to who is telling you this, who is making you feel this way? Me, I know your opinion is always honest to you, true to who you are, even if we may not want to hear it... You've never been one to hold yourself back from your truth, don't start now.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Why?
May I just ask, why?
Why would you stay in a toxic relationship, be it friend or significant other?
Why does Bubba Joe Jack (one of them) like nothing I do on social media, yet talks to me to no end?
Why is editing so damn hard, be it in writing or from my mouth?
Why won't my mental illness go away and never return?
Why do I care so much about what other people think of me?
Why don't they actually care?
Why should abortion be completely illegal, when people will still do it regardless, this way it's done safely?
Why should a group of primarily elderly men, and menopausal women decide what I can and can't do with my own body?
Why are men not forced to get vasectomies at a certain age, if I as a female could be forced into a pregnancy?
Why should certain family members and friends have to hide part of their identity, just to be accepted by the public?
Why do some feel that love should be illegal for some others?
Just ask yourself, why?
Why would you stay in a toxic relationship, be it friend or significant other?
Why does Bubba Joe Jack (one of them) like nothing I do on social media, yet talks to me to no end?
Why is editing so damn hard, be it in writing or from my mouth?
Why won't my mental illness go away and never return?
Why do I care so much about what other people think of me?
Why don't they actually care?
Why should abortion be completely illegal, when people will still do it regardless, this way it's done safely?
Why should a group of primarily elderly men, and menopausal women decide what I can and can't do with my own body?
Why are men not forced to get vasectomies at a certain age, if I as a female could be forced into a pregnancy?
Why should certain family members and friends have to hide part of their identity, just to be accepted by the public?
Why do some feel that love should be illegal for some others?
Just ask yourself, why?
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
What I Can't Stand...
Let's face it, we all have things we just can't stand, here's mine, can you relate, or am I just weird? You decide...
1. People that make you pause the movie while they go to the bathroom.
HELLO! How self important are you, that you either cannot bare to watch the movie again, or how bad is your bladder control? Like what disease do you have, to where you have to urinate that many times during a movie? THEN, I might pause the movie to no complaint....But seriously, would you have done that in a theater, say, during the latest Captain America premiere, NO! You would be shunned, possibly kicked out for being disruptive! This is the real reason, we cannot be friends, -person at a friend's house, that made us stop the movie,- who shall remain nameless...You're hydrated, lay off the water already!
2. "Bro"
You name it, "Bro", "Brosef", or Bromances, they are annoying! Not everyone is a damn brother to you! That would be impossible! I swear, if "Bubba Joe Jack" (one of them) and "Cletus" start calling each other Bro, or worse yet, Brosef, I'm walking out on both...or puking, and I will not be cleaning it up! I mean, that's sweet in a way, but I don't go around calling all females "sis", only those that get dubbed as my "sister" by some random electrician/plumber (I'm still not sure which!) because we have the same nose, and were talking because we know the same people!
3. People who refuse to say please and thank you.
Like, I get forgetting to say it, we all do, probably when we shouldn't. But, yes, I mean people who refuse, because they "were not raised" to do so. My Momma would throw a fit if I ever said that to anyone! *Cough* "Ethel" *Cough*. Yet these people still exist, and work in the customer service field successfully, how? Who really wants to know...
4. Waiting for a call/email/letter back about an interview/you name it.
Far more annoying then any bromance...Longer than is comfortable...Far worse than awkward silence. I'm hopefully waiting for a response from at least one of my interviews, one that I really want.
In the meantime...I've sent out emails/tweets about guest blogging projects to, Depressed Cake Shop(written something that should be published soon)...This Is My Brave, I've been in contact with, about possibly the end of May writing something for them. Sweatpants & Coffee, I've sent an email, and tweeted to about possibly writing something for them. I've been in touch with The Mighty, about checking out my blog/giving ideas for what to write about for them, Some of their stuff ends up in National papers, just sayin', and as always, possibly writing something for the #CPChatNow website, which you should google, and check out, should we ever figure something out... Name dropping, so totally name dropping, all of the sites that I mentioned, you should check out on Facebook on their respective pages!
61st post!
If you haven't already, like the blog Facebook page at-https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
Follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach
Instagram-LINDSAYROACH
Thanks for reading!
1. People that make you pause the movie while they go to the bathroom.
HELLO! How self important are you, that you either cannot bare to watch the movie again, or how bad is your bladder control? Like what disease do you have, to where you have to urinate that many times during a movie? THEN, I might pause the movie to no complaint....But seriously, would you have done that in a theater, say, during the latest Captain America premiere, NO! You would be shunned, possibly kicked out for being disruptive! This is the real reason, we cannot be friends, -person at a friend's house, that made us stop the movie,- who shall remain nameless...You're hydrated, lay off the water already!
2. "Bro"
You name it, "Bro", "Brosef", or Bromances, they are annoying! Not everyone is a damn brother to you! That would be impossible! I swear, if "Bubba Joe Jack" (one of them) and "Cletus" start calling each other Bro, or worse yet, Brosef, I'm walking out on both...or puking, and I will not be cleaning it up! I mean, that's sweet in a way, but I don't go around calling all females "sis", only those that get dubbed as my "sister" by some random electrician/plumber (I'm still not sure which!) because we have the same nose, and were talking because we know the same people!
3. People who refuse to say please and thank you.
Like, I get forgetting to say it, we all do, probably when we shouldn't. But, yes, I mean people who refuse, because they "were not raised" to do so. My Momma would throw a fit if I ever said that to anyone! *Cough* "Ethel" *Cough*. Yet these people still exist, and work in the customer service field successfully, how? Who really wants to know...
4. Waiting for a call/email/letter back about an interview/you name it.
Far more annoying then any bromance...Longer than is comfortable...Far worse than awkward silence. I'm hopefully waiting for a response from at least one of my interviews, one that I really want.
In the meantime...I've sent out emails/tweets about guest blogging projects to, Depressed Cake Shop(written something that should be published soon)...This Is My Brave, I've been in contact with, about possibly the end of May writing something for them. Sweatpants & Coffee, I've sent an email, and tweeted to about possibly writing something for them. I've been in touch with The Mighty, about checking out my blog/giving ideas for what to write about for them, Some of their stuff ends up in National papers, just sayin', and as always, possibly writing something for the #CPChatNow website, which you should google, and check out, should we ever figure something out... Name dropping, so totally name dropping, all of the sites that I mentioned, you should check out on Facebook on their respective pages!
61st post!
If you haven't already, like the blog Facebook page at-https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
Follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach
Instagram-LINDSAYROACH
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Nobody's Perfect
It's true, nobody's perfect. Neither am I. But where do you draw the line, when pointing it out...
One day at work, we had a new girl we shall call "Shamallama", now this girl was nice enough, sweet enough, talked too much...Seriously, we had a conversation about small talk. She asked me questions, then questioned my answer...And had some aversion to making boxes, which is usually an epidemic at my workplace. She even wanted to go to church with Ma and me-she asked, not us.
But it got to the point where I was taking the trash out, or going to the bathroom and laughing hysterically to get away from her, because she would not shut up! Yes, Shamallama, had gotten the better of me, and by this point I was THISSSS close to going back to the behavioral health unit at my local hospital. So I decided to Windex the cases...
Now usually I do just fine, but that day, I missed a few spots, Shamallama, was happy to point them out, no judgement, once, twice, and then I lost count how many times. She then said "nobody's perfect" (mind you, I've been in a choir for how many years, and sang solos how many times? but by then I'd lost it, my voice had gone up an octave or so, and I was doing a Mickey Mouse giggle...Also, I had warned my coworkers several times that if I sing at work, we're in trouble).
So I stated quietly, "Don't make me sing Hannah Montana at you..." Shamallama (who claimed to be good at diffusing crisis situations earlier that day) kept right on talking, as if I said nothing, as if my voice had not gone up, and was not giggling like a cartoon character. She left me no choice, so I started singing "Nobody's perfect, I gotta work it..." and by then another coworker came and got Shamallama out of my sight... She was sent home not long after that...
I am one to pray, and that night, I prayed for a miracle, as I was going to have to work with Shamallama again the next day. My prayers were answered. She called Ma at about 4am that day saying she broke her leg, I like to think my praying was just a coincidence to that, but either way, there was a miracle that kept me off the behavioral health unit floor, once again. Now, Shamallama is getting the help she needs, and "Smeagol is free"!
*Note, I used a lot of character references, none of which I have any rights to, but as I am not profiting from this blog, I see no harm*
One day at work, we had a new girl we shall call "Shamallama", now this girl was nice enough, sweet enough, talked too much...Seriously, we had a conversation about small talk. She asked me questions, then questioned my answer...And had some aversion to making boxes, which is usually an epidemic at my workplace. She even wanted to go to church with Ma and me-she asked, not us.
But it got to the point where I was taking the trash out, or going to the bathroom and laughing hysterically to get away from her, because she would not shut up! Yes, Shamallama, had gotten the better of me, and by this point I was THISSSS close to going back to the behavioral health unit at my local hospital. So I decided to Windex the cases...
Now usually I do just fine, but that day, I missed a few spots, Shamallama, was happy to point them out, no judgement, once, twice, and then I lost count how many times. She then said "nobody's perfect" (mind you, I've been in a choir for how many years, and sang solos how many times? but by then I'd lost it, my voice had gone up an octave or so, and I was doing a Mickey Mouse giggle...Also, I had warned my coworkers several times that if I sing at work, we're in trouble).
So I stated quietly, "Don't make me sing Hannah Montana at you..." Shamallama (who claimed to be good at diffusing crisis situations earlier that day) kept right on talking, as if I said nothing, as if my voice had not gone up, and was not giggling like a cartoon character. She left me no choice, so I started singing "Nobody's perfect, I gotta work it..." and by then another coworker came and got Shamallama out of my sight... She was sent home not long after that...
I am one to pray, and that night, I prayed for a miracle, as I was going to have to work with Shamallama again the next day. My prayers were answered. She called Ma at about 4am that day saying she broke her leg, I like to think my praying was just a coincidence to that, but either way, there was a miracle that kept me off the behavioral health unit floor, once again. Now, Shamallama is getting the help she needs, and "Smeagol is free"!
*Note, I used a lot of character references, none of which I have any rights to, but as I am not profiting from this blog, I see no harm*
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
I Know It's Been Awhile...
Look, I know it's been awhile, but, I've been a busy girl. Between school, work, church choir, hospice volunteering, contract work as a paralegal and not to mention the internship, I've had very little time to do anything but sleep, eat, & repeat.
But on the bright side, I did get graduation announcements, because come May, I'm walking... the only question is, will I have a full-time job lined up?
It does not help when Bubba Joe Jack asks how the job search is going, I was first shocked he even knew. Secondly, it's been a lot of sending out resumes, most of the time to no response, or wanting someone now, or yesterday rather. I'm holding out hope there is a plan for me, and that when the time comes, Amazon will call me back for an interview...again.
See. As the last time they called, I thought it a longshot, so naturally I turned down an interview for a temp job, smart! Right? Ugh! Someone please tell me my thought process there...I could be in Seattle right now...
Anyways, it's not going so great... anyone with a lead on full time paralegal jobs in the U.S. let me know. In the meantime...I'm going to try to figure out if Bubba is anxiously awaiting my departure, or doesn't really want me to go. Not like that's going to stop me...But it would be nice to be missed...
Monday, February 8, 2016
What Would I Tell My Younger Self?
So "The Mighty", came up with this idea, please check them out on Facebook or something...But what are 5 things I would tell my younger self about living with a disability...Keep in mind I have a triple whammie of CP, depression, and anxiety...So what would I tell myself?
1. That more people will love you than you realize.
Which is true, when i was younger, I had no idea that so many people would want to be friends with me. Nor did I think I would ever be running my own blog. But let's face it. I LOVE all the love I have received from my friends,family, and former classmates. Without your love and support, I would not be doing this still. I also wish I had known this sooner in life, and I would have been way more outgoing in high school for example.
2. Life is going to be hard, but not impossible.
Life is more difficult with my trifecta of disabilities. Hard, because you will always get stares, not knowing the full extent. Hard because there will be times you are so frustrated, all you can do is stare, at the ones you care about the most. You will feel frozen, unable to do anything but scream, hoping that it will get you some sort of release from the voices in your head, the hallucinations around you.The questioning of what's real, but through this you will make more friends, and have more family out there than you realize-making the struggle bearable, although all the bad things will just pile up indefinitely it seems. You will come out of it, stronger than you ever thought possible.
3. You are capable of anything.Whether you do it or not...
The people in my life have made this so, whether it be a roller coaster,escalator, stairs, You can do it. It's just the question of whether you really want to or not. P.E. will not be your friend, that rope is not safe for you to climb, although that one teacher's aide is right, you could have tried, you just didn't want to. Someone, even a perfect stranger, will always be there to help you. You just have to adapt. Survival of the fittest, and look at you, surviving and shit!
4. Not everyone will be willing to help you.
There are some that will be unkind. They will physically beat you, threaten to kill you even. Which is why you have to make sure and value the ones that do help you. Not everyone will have CP since birth, nor will they be given the extraordinary gift of vulnerability, that God has given you. No, some think they are indestructible. You may sometimes wish to have this able-bodied way of life, but it's not for you. You will never outgrow being able to teach strangers, sometime friends, or even family, how to help their fellow human being. This too, will make you stronger.
5. Your attitude is infectious.
I live a life full of primarily positivity. Despite all the hardships, your attitude is infectious, contagious, and will spread to the masses of people you come into contact with. Your smile will be constant, you will learn to leave anyone, be they friend or stranger smiling as well. There will be only a mere few this will not catch on with, and for them, you can only hope they seek professional help.
Don't forget
Twitter- @LindsMRoach
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
1. That more people will love you than you realize.
Which is true, when i was younger, I had no idea that so many people would want to be friends with me. Nor did I think I would ever be running my own blog. But let's face it. I LOVE all the love I have received from my friends,family, and former classmates. Without your love and support, I would not be doing this still. I also wish I had known this sooner in life, and I would have been way more outgoing in high school for example.
2. Life is going to be hard, but not impossible.
Life is more difficult with my trifecta of disabilities. Hard, because you will always get stares, not knowing the full extent. Hard because there will be times you are so frustrated, all you can do is stare, at the ones you care about the most. You will feel frozen, unable to do anything but scream, hoping that it will get you some sort of release from the voices in your head, the hallucinations around you.The questioning of what's real, but through this you will make more friends, and have more family out there than you realize-making the struggle bearable, although all the bad things will just pile up indefinitely it seems. You will come out of it, stronger than you ever thought possible.
3. You are capable of anything.Whether you do it or not...
The people in my life have made this so, whether it be a roller coaster,escalator, stairs, You can do it. It's just the question of whether you really want to or not. P.E. will not be your friend, that rope is not safe for you to climb, although that one teacher's aide is right, you could have tried, you just didn't want to. Someone, even a perfect stranger, will always be there to help you. You just have to adapt. Survival of the fittest, and look at you, surviving and shit!
4. Not everyone will be willing to help you.
There are some that will be unkind. They will physically beat you, threaten to kill you even. Which is why you have to make sure and value the ones that do help you. Not everyone will have CP since birth, nor will they be given the extraordinary gift of vulnerability, that God has given you. No, some think they are indestructible. You may sometimes wish to have this able-bodied way of life, but it's not for you. You will never outgrow being able to teach strangers, sometime friends, or even family, how to help their fellow human being. This too, will make you stronger.
5. Your attitude is infectious.
I live a life full of primarily positivity. Despite all the hardships, your attitude is infectious, contagious, and will spread to the masses of people you come into contact with. Your smile will be constant, you will learn to leave anyone, be they friend or stranger smiling as well. There will be only a mere few this will not catch on with, and for them, you can only hope they seek professional help.
Don't forget
Twitter- @LindsMRoach
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)