Not Asking For Much...

     With all this talk about sexual harassment, you must've known it would only be a certain amount of time before I chimed in about the topic, dear readers...
     I've been catcalled before, but that's about as close as I come, somebody yelling out their window at me...What happens to other women and men too, simply must end. The groping, about to grope/posing for pictures, sexually suggestive comments, all of it. I applaud those that have chosen to find their voice in this battle, unfortunately, it is far from over. Maybe if there was a conscious effort on the accused parts to not do so, but the fact of the matter is there are sick men and women that need help, and I do hope they get it.
     Am I saying that wo/men need to change the way they dress? No. It's not their fault there are some major pervs out there. I will note though that the people just raunchily exposing themselves for the sake of being raunchy on twitter, are indeed gross to see scrolling through my newsfeed, I do try to cut down on that by blocking things whenever possible though.
     I am, however; concerned that sexual harassment is all anyone sees in the news today, either that or some massacre. I want, if possible, people to focus on the good that is in the world. See the kind deeds done on a daily basis. No, there is no need to report back to me the good you've done, that loses the random act of kindness bit, but just to one day hope that some mere stranger will show you the same kindness.
     I believe that my having CP has allowed me to be able to bring out the best in others 99.9% of the time, needing an extra hand, or arm to lean on every now and again, gives me a hopeful perspective on life. I also feel that if everyone would just put an arm out every so often, they may get an arm some day. Remember to ask if the person needs help in most cases though, thereby empowering that specific individual, instead of them feeling weak afterwards.   

Looking Up?

When last we spoke dear readers, I was terrified, to say the least...Now I bring news of hope...


I- have a temp job...For at least a month, as long as I don't screw it up, which I'm sure I'll put my best foot forward, and at least have a pleasant time, while searching for something more in my area of study that I did. I start, supposedly, as long as they don't call me back sooner and tell me not to bother, bright and not too early at 9am tomorrow. It may not be what I wanted per say, but, let's face it, I do NEED money, so I figure why not till something better comes along?

Also, while forgetting my book in my car before setting foot in my therapist's office was tragic for the waiting room scene...They did bring up an interesting idea, a light box system, to help with the seasonal changes that can get a person down, even more. What do real users think? Do they notice a difference? It makes sense, like it should work, I'm just actually asking for opinions for once...

Switching to a completely different topic, I got my parking tags, I feel great, and of course, I used one once...so far, that is...

Spinning you around yet again in the never-ending circle that is a conversation with yours truly, I got my new set of Sloth Christmas cards!!! Get excited!!! I'm hoping 40 is enough, and that maybe the kind people at the local print store will have a deal if you buy your Christmas Letters and Christmas Card Address Labels from them? It could happen... Which brings me to, who else likes to sit down and write a letter to treasured friends and family about your year, and new developments for the next? I know I enjoy writing, and for those few friends and family that write a full letter back, I truly do love reading them as well...If you don't write one, maybe you could start this year? Just a thought? Maybe even a handwritten letter- a dying art...

Well readers, I feel like this has turned out to be a mish mosh of a post, hope you've enjoyed as always,till next time...

Feelin' Down...

     I know, I know, really upbeat title but the fact of the matter is, I am feeling a bit down, not suicidal or anything, just down...

     Like not even the thought of  a Zumba class with one of my best friends from my school days was enough to get me out of the house, even though I really needed to go, weighing in at approximately two hundred pounds give or take a few...

     My work contract is up Friday, and I have felt like I'd grown very comfortable and am going to GENUINELY miss everyone there that I have come into contact with there...As in I cried during my eval in front of my direct supervisor, and not a pretty cry, I mean the tears streaming down, snot involuntarily flowing, bubbling out, ugly crying...What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no job lined up for yours truly. So right now, I'm just worried about going through my savings quickly while waiting for callbacks.
    
     I'm the kind of person that likes being independent...As much as one can with mild CP and having had blood clots and bleeding on the brain, that did nothing for the already shaky body I inhabit.

     That brings me too, dimly lit parking lots with dark pavement at night are getting disorienting, and I can't afford to break anything so I'm starting to avoid certain activities, which is never good, and I know that it is as simple as admitting that I need a parking tag, but to someone who, like me has been SO independent as far as movement, and being able to do what I want, I  sniff the ever-wretched waft of defeat in the air. Does anyone else ever have that problem, being too damn stubborn to just get the tag, or whatever the tag is for you? Surely it can't be just me...

     I know it's been a while, but there's a start, trying to figure out the rest, for later blogs...

I Should Be...

     As you can probably guess from the title, there's quite a few things I should be doing.Let me list them, I should be:
1.Updating my resume-formatting, cool headings and the like...

2. Actually writing a cover letter since my old ones are extremely outdated...

3.  Possibly adding my LinkedIn profile to a fore mentioned resume-since most places ask for it anyways...


4. Organizing my books- I have two overflowing bags there of I have yet to read...

5. Deciding what e-reader to get once I read through said books/price comparisons-Amazon is probably the winner what with the kindle, but there are others that are more cost effective...

6. Cleaning-in general-the den, my room, my areas, my life, I'm all over the place...

7.Prepping for interviews-clearly researching...

8. Doing more job searching-since I don't have anything guaranteed past Nov.12th of this year...


     What am I doing? You may ask yourself...Well going to art festivals, reading one of many books I have to read, and overall avoiding anything work related like it was the plague.Not to mention watching "Poldark" repeats, when not blogging to you, dear readers. Will I ever write something professionally, maybe not, but I will give whomever has to wipe my computer clean  one heck of a something to read before they do. Still have a page and a half worth of essay/memoir material, only. Any thoughts you want my take on, let me know, otherwise, till next time...

Pumpkin Spice Is Nice, and Other Thoughts...

As the title says, Pumpkin Spice is quite nice, and I love it. Not quite as much as I love Egg-nog lattes, but you usually find those in more treacherous conditions, so not quite as accessible. Did I buy little pumpkin spice coffee pods? Of course I did...


Also, for the first time since maybe, junior year of college, I put on make-up, and without looking like a clown. Not that you really need to know this, but considering it was once one of the things my life revolved around in middle/high school, and college Lyrica concerts, deep blue and purple roll-on eye shadow were my faves, I also coincidentally thought I was really hot stuff back then...then reality eventually set in, and I realized my true adorableness as my strongest asset...I know I don't need it, but the fact that I had to take the time to carefully apply it in what is a blurry mess that is my eyesight, I felt accomplished, like I had polished my appearance today.

This brings me to-World Suicide Prevention Day is today, September 10th. If you need help, google it, and look at the countless resources there are, prevention hotlines. As someone who decided to stay on this earth, back in 2013, it was rough...Please allow me to discuss once again my position at the time, I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression to almost the point of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), I let thoughts ruminate in my head. Thoughts that everyone hated me, I was not loved by anyone, alone, separated from friends and family, and quite frankly December 2013, at age 24, was having hallucinations, sometimes taking as needed medication-most often not actually when I needed to, most times turning to having a drink, I was in the behavioral health ward of the local hospital over Christmas that year, as I had at least two if not three plans to kill myself. Once finding medication that calmed me to the point I could tell what was a dream, or nightmare rather, and what in fact was reality. It also made me lactate something fierce. Main thing, it allowed me to be released from treatment on new years eve day I believe. I also had come to the conclusion I no longer wanted to take my life. It did not end there, no I was court ordered to outpatient therapy, regular ol' therapy and medication, that they luckily changed to something that got rid of the lactating till August of 2014.

I still go to regular ol' therapy, and will be on medication the rest of my life. While no, I am not in a relationship, there are people who love me, people who hate me and I constantly have to prove wrong. I have a job now where I feel appreciated, where if I start having a panic attack I can leave, go see my therapist. I understand what wanting to commit suicide, and planning a suicide feels like, what some of what may be going through your head. But whatever your reasons are for leaving this life, I guarantee that with some help, there are more to stay, 4 years after the fact, I can look back on this experience, combine it with almost having my life taken from me what with blood clots and bleeding on the brain in July of 2016 due to birth control pills, and say, staying is so much more worth it than what it may seem. Harder than it looks, but worth every minute of it.

It's not me, It's just you though (93rd post)...

How many times have I mistakenly been called a lesbian? Oh let me count the ways...

Not that I can really blame them, the stereotypical short hair-but not spikey butch looking really-it's more the early stages of a mullet,

The rainbow shoes, the rainbow being associated with lgbtq culture, that I wear quite often,

Not having had a boyfriend since age 9 (all my cute years wasted!).

Nevermind the fact that my male counterparts are doing what?

Being destructive,

Drinking in excess,

But not all of them,

Some are married,

In relationships,

Working-starting a career,

Supporting themselves.


So as one can see, the good ones are in the same stage as me-working hard to earn a living. I love my lgbtq friends, dearly, and want them never to change who they are , just as I love all my friends whom should never change...But if you think that I am anything other than straight, it's the simple fact that you're an ass, and it is just that I probs never liked you to begin with... ahh, unrequited longing, sad, so sad...

Feeling Funky

     So, yesterday marks a year since  went in the hospital with blood clots and bleeding on the brain, and, I don't know why, but it's got me in a funk, as of late. Maybe, just maybe, so you know what depression/anxiety sounds and/or feels like, I thought I'd describe it to you, from my eyes, at least...

     No, depression & anxiety does not automatically mean I'm considering death, but rather, it means...Communicating with people only via email, not even phone calls, being asked by some of those closest to you, to share your "indestructibility"knowing full well that it is not that, but rather, your faith in God, that pulled you through, and that if you could just bottle even a little of that shit- and give it to those you care about, YOU WOULD.....Ohhhh, but you can't. It feels like a million little thoughts rushing around in your head, struggling to get themselves onto the crowded elevators and to the right floors but yet, majority of them get off at the wrong floor at least once, that floor being my memory, creating all sorts of little flashbacks, to what I did wrong. Be it said, did, didn't say, wish I said...And I tell myself, out loud, so that everyone can hear me saying "Linds, you did nothing wrong, you were  a good girl", then I think to myself, why girl? I am a 27 year old woman now, a young-ish lady, if you must.

     It's the constant doubt that others only like you because of someone else you're related to, or that they only like you because you're disabled, and you have to be nice to disabled people, because we can't be anything other than that, nice...When all I want to say is that if you hate me, don't treat me like a friend, no-no, block my crazy ass if that's how you really feel, I can't stand anybody that thinks that...

     No anxiety and depression, is what makes me want to quit one of the places I love most, because I fear I can be replaced by someone else, and that those I hold near and dear in my heart would be able to get out of there without me, even quicker....

     No, right now  am living in constant fear, that I WILL be replaced, if not at one place, in one capacity, then I will at another, in some other way...with nowhere else to go, I am a cat backed into a corner, about to be snatched, and my only option is to claw the eyes out of my foes...as my last defense...

     Whatever happened to me? I don't know...

National Best Friends Day (91st post)

     I know most people have that one friend that they are closer to than all the others. Not to piss any of my friends off,but I don't honestly have a best friend, I have best friends. My dear mother (of which I just pronounced MOTHAAAAHHH in my head), kinda hit it on the head, when she said "you don't build friendships, you build families", the more I think about it, I'd say my Mom ( or MOTHAAAAHHH) is right.

     I have my family most of whom I consider friends, the friends that will never change. You also have my Bakery Fam, the ones that aren't my MOTHAAAAHHH, the friends which I was put with, and am now stuck with for a good loooong time, and still have dinner with, go see movies with, or get them b-day cards, still, and I try and make sure they have something to open Christmas Eve at the Bakery.

     Then you have my friends that I've known since forever, they might as well be family, we may not be that close anymore, but you're still checking in, aren't you?

My friends from my middle/high school days, we are still close, even though we are terribly busy with our own lives, and working like crazy people, we still get together when our paths all allow us to breathe for a brief moment, and a glimpse of simplicity.They are like family to me.

     Then there's my dear Church Fam. My dear brothers and sisters, so to speak. They keep me in tune with my religion, tis the music that brought me in in all honesty, I stayed for the atmosphere, that of yet another fam.

If you don't find yourself, or rather, yoself in one of these categories, don't worry eventually I'll be that sister you never had, nor knew you wanted. It's only a matter of time...


Instagram- @lindsayroach
Twitter- @ LindsMRoach
Facebook Page- Lindsay Roach-Blogger

I'm Going To Do This

     Yes, I, am going to write about relationships, kinda, again...

     So there's this one guy, I shall dub "Octav", now Octav has been coming in the bakery solid for like a year now, at least semi-regularly, sometimes during the week, but I don't work week days anymore, Saturdays are all I care about.

      This guy comes in the Bakery and usually gets out a "Hi, how are you?" before I can fully grasp that I need to respond, I'm really socially awkward, in my opinion, so I just respond "Hi, good, how are you? He then tells me exactly what he wants, I get it for him, money is exchanged in the proper amounts, and then he says "Thank you, have a good day!" without being prompted, to which I reply " Thanks, you too!" To which he says "Thanks" then leaves the store till the  next weekend...

     What bothers me is that I don't even know this guy's actual name! I never ask! Frankly, I'm not sure how to ask, without sounding creepy and drooling out the side of my mouth, and if I do say so myself, he's not bad looking, at all. But that's just it, I don't know, I don't know who all he's buying donuts for, himself, girlfriend, wife, friends, hey who knows, maybe he's buying for his boyfriend?

     All I know is that I legitimately like this guy as a customer, and I want to know more, without screwing up "the balance" of the bakery. And I would watch a bunch of YouTube videos from professional advice givers, but I seriously doubt they have a video on how to ask your favorite customer's name, that you just so happen to find attractive, and doesn't seem to stare at my right hand.

Maybe this guy's just being nice, maybe he's already taken, maybe I'm his favorite counter help at the bakery, but who knows? Not me, that's why I MUST find out, but how, any similar situations? Message me on my FB page, twitter, what have you, I need help!!!

Like This!

     What's the old saying, "a watched pot never boils"? I think that's what Ma always said growing up...Among other things, but enough about that, this blog is about ME!...

     But seriously, you know you're always welcome to like, comment, or share anything I post on here, or my Facebook page-https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp/, follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach, or Instagram- lindsayroach. My rules for actually friending someone are as follows- I have to actually have met you in real life, it's not that difficult...Safety reasons...

     I would say I don't care if you like me or not but who am I kidding, I used to be a Sociology major back in the day, we as people, are social creatures, we want to be liked, I just have the worst timing imaginable when it comes to people actually being awake to read, watch things, which brings me to,linzr89, is a YouTube channel you should check out. In short, read, connect, interact, tell me what you want to read about, and have a great weekend.

Something...

     At first I was going to talk about how I was less than three months away from my high school reunion, which leaves me feeling ancient...10 YEARS...

     Then I was gonna write about how I have no idea who my health insurance provider will be, come January 2018....

     Then I wanted to rant about my fear of clowns ever since the Mariah Carey music videos we had to watch, thanks to my babysitter being OBSESSED at the time with them...

     THAT BRINGS ME TO...My actual topic-cyberbullying, it's been popping up on facebook, not to mention TV shows, that aren't even about anyone committing suicide-like that one show, on that one online streaming channel. I sincerely hope that none of my comments towards the random haters in my life has been misconstrued as cyberbullying but rather as cyber self-defense. I didn't ask to be judged, picked on, or made fun of in real life or cyberlife, yet so many of us are. I would say it's because people are just jealous, but the truth is some people are just assholes who will tell you to kill yourself-yes this happened to me as an adult, as a pre/teen someone made threats and held something approximately the right size to my head one day...see The Middle School Years...But I was told to kill myself as an adult, in a place that worked with teenagers no less, by adults who just didn't care. At the time-I was coming up with suicide plans as it was-I didn't need their "help". Luckily everything worked out fine in my case, I got help, and didn't do anything rash, and figured out that the true way to make them suffer was by living life to the fullest, which I intend to do everyday for the rest of it-till it comes to a natural end.

     Something that also changes your mind- almost having your life taken from you, the blood clots and bleeding back in July 2016, changes your perspective on life, you worry less, love more, and overall are happy you don't have to get poked all the time anymore, once off the blood thinners...

     Basically if you happen to be reading this after having been cyberbullied, feeling suicidal, please don't kill yourself, distance yourself from those people clearly, but please don't do it, don't kill yourself.

Awkward Turtle...

     Hello again all! So, the blog, at the time of writing this is at over 5,566 views. Thanks to all my family,friends, and followers for viewing. Now to another story...

     If you read some of my earliest posts, you'd know about one of my regulars at the bakery, I shall dub "turtle guy" for obvious reasons, the guy nowadays orders turtle lattes. Well, knowing that he has tried to give me a back handed compliment in the past...See http://lindsayslifewithcp.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-reason-i-wrote-this-blog.html I try to avoid, when possible.

     Yesterday though, I has gotten there maybe an hour before turtle guy came in, was seeing what else we could condense around the front of the counter, as one of our newest-really good people I have no nickname for yet, so I shall dub thee the sat. afternoon, "Coffee Queen"-seriously, she's good, had already waited on him, and thankfully making the turtle for him, and given it to him. As he was exiting the building, finally, I might add, he-turtle guy, comes up over my left shoulder, and quietly says, "You know, this turtle is good, but it's still not as good as when you make it, or you're telling someone how to make it*walks off out the building, chuckling as he went*" I, look over behind the counter, frozen, glancing from 17 year-old Wonder to Coffee Queen, all three of us with the same "What Just Happened?" look.

     What I wanted to explain to that freakishly awkward turtle guy was that he was again being slightly insulting to my training methods, as guess who was walking the Coffee Queen through some of her earliest drinks? That's right, me! Frankly I see no reason to hover over anymore, she's got it. Secondly, Coffee Queen is one of my Co-worker-y friends, that statement made me mad, besides being extremely uncomfortable, and there's no point in explaining it to him, as it would've gone right over his head. That and all I could do was say "thanks..." and freeze-cuz it's just not worth it, ya know?

     Instead I waited till he left, and the door shut, rushed around the counter, and told them what he had said, because that's what I do, when I'm freakishly creeped out by some disability enthusiast...

Classy

     I don't know about you, but I love going out to breakfast every once in a while, by myself, I find it positively to be great people watching. Today though, it began to occur to me, how much of what people talk about, is actually kept classy. I usually don't mean to eavesdrop, but today, I was sitting at a booth when three meatheads we shall dub " 1,2, &3" start making a ruckus. (They seriously don't deserve a pseudonym-here's why)  1 starts talking about a circa 2003 show called "The OC " to his friends, and tells them it's like a modern day soap opera (apparently "Days of Our Lives, Young and the Restless" are set in  1912 now-oh wait, that's "Downton Abbey"-meatheads...) and that it's so funny and filled with drama, and then he says to the other two "and I'm just like bang her", repeatedly for about two minutes, until2&3 laugh out of nervousness that he's being overheard *hmm? Gee, IDK*

     Let's talk about what's wrong with that phrase "bang her"...For one it's violent, encourages brutality towards women. I would say objectifies women, but one could argue that he used "her"? I think to myself, how old are you? Can you not say sex? In the off chance that as you also said "getting some", are you old enough that saying "sex" is still a "no-no"? If you don't know that soap operas are for the most part modern day settings, even if created before you were born, what women are actually having sex with you? Are you trying to make yourself appear to be heterosexual(fine whatevs you are) by saying things like "bang her" and "getting some".

     I may be fat and unattractive to you, but can you even spell "unattractive"? As such I didn't, explain that I overheard all their ruckus, and I know calling them 1,2, and 3 is in fact objectifying them, so whatevs, everybody's a hypocrite, but my objectifying was because they are so low in my opinion, they earn no pseudonym-you understand, right?

Classy...

Misunderstanding Please...

So if you've wondered why I've been so cryptic, or not so much...It's because I think there was a HUGE misunderstanding, I hope, in my life. It all started out like this.

Towards the beginning of the month, I get a filtered Facebook message from a stranger we shall dub "Teddy". I ignored it, as it was not someone I knew, nor was it anyone I went to high school with. But like an idiot I got curious and opened the message. In it Teddy put something along the lines of I have CP, I know ____________, maybe we can talk and get to know each other. Thinking it was a really dedicated scammer, I asked ______________, if Teddy was a real person? They replied favorably, so I thought I would reply, not once in either of the late night messaging convos did they use my first name, no, it was beautiful, babe or hun. Teddy did say that ______________ thought we would get along, I replied, I get along with a lot of people with CP through #CPChatNow, are you on twitter, of course not, but I really wanted to reach out to someone with CP, include them in the community I'd found on there...Well needless to say, I eventually asked Teddy, So how do you know _________________? Well turns out, it's a Facebook only friendship, now bear in mind I do have the #CPChatNow Ceeps-as we sometimes refer to ourselves, if you look back in the tweets, that I consider to be cyber friends of mine, but we use each other's names, and didn't ask each other about what the other thinks of serious relationships right off the bat, prefaced with a "Babe", commonly know as a pig to my generation-don't ever expect me to answer any of you if you call me that...

Back to my story, this was not someone I met through #CPChatNow, this was a cyber friend of my dear dear person to me, and while I still love ___________. I did block Teddy, and so far the creeper has not texted me(Yes, I somehow fathomed it was a good idea to give out my cell to a stranger-dumb...) I hope they don't text me, and I now know to ask people "Do you know whatever whatsmynameson, in real life, and make sure you all know I don't have time for a serious relationship-at least not without them being a solid dependable, real-life, very special friend first-so it's gonna be a few years, try, or more after the few...And what ______ PROBABLY meant was get along as friends, but Teddy probably jumped ahead.Especially since _____________ knows I grew up in the able-bodied world,have able-bodied real-life friends, and don't have to date someone with CP, and especially not based on CP alone, that's just offensive, and ____________ would never do that to me.


Lesson learned.

Dear Big Brother...

  
     As I said briefly in "childhood" http://lindsayslifewithcp.blogspot.com/2015/05/childhood.html you never once considered taking it easy on me. You were always there for me, you always are there for me though miles apart. You never once let me pretend I was the pink ranger, until I was one for Halloween, and they actually got a blonde pink ranger. While singing along to the Spice Girls, you were always the Ginger  to my Baby.
  
     Yes even while playing with dolls with me, you made sure it was kept classy, and had the plot line like of one of your future favorite soap operas, minus the aliens(I called it!)...We've had many a talk, and many a "Holiday Season"-ish moments.

     Who else helped me practice solos in the basement on the organ, made the minor bullies hush up, and scared the crap out of guys for a split second, when they had bad aim, for me-without even making a threat, I might add.
   
     Yes, I am not meant to be an only child, and it's because of you dear brother.



     You also applauded me when I started writing this lil' blog, that's now at over 5,000 views, and that's without promotion.Not to mention sent me stories about male porn stars with CP, for inspiration for blogs...That was also my dearest big brother.

                                            I know we don't talk much, but I love you.

It's Been A Few Months...

     Sorry all, I suck at keeping this current lately, but with 2 jobs, working out, taking care of myself,living, eating, & most importantly deep sleep during heavy rain storms... Well, I got kinda busy. I'm fine, just extremely busy. But not too busy to write you all.

     The reason I wrote this blog, was because I was angry, I need a voice, my voice, and I've found that, largely to the rare criticism from the person that voted libertarian-so one I can largely ignore, people love my voice as is. With that said, when I was 21, it was a whole other story.

     Let me set the tone of my actual story...
It was a dark, quiet night at the youth shelter I worked at, almost 11pm, but after 10:45pm, as I was always 15 minutes early, if it was only 10, I got phone calls as I was driving in my green Ford Taurus I named "Auggie"(yes, two "g"s, it looked cuter that way), anywho, I arrived like I did every Wed.-Fri. night, with alternating Tues. night. Like any other shift, I had the same three male co-workers, I always had. The one whose comment has any impact on this blog, shall be dubbed "Fred"(not his real name). He was 27 at the time, six years older than I. Fred also thought this was of great merit, forgetting the fact that males have scientifically, and we have been taught in health/science classes, that males mature at a slower rate than females, so I'd give Fred one or two years on me? (Not to offend my male readers). But for some reason, Fred, the particular night I'm thinking of that has me so aggravated, decided to talk down to me, as I was single, and that diptydoo knew it, cuz he asked, and I told him, I was not in a relationship, what I actually had told him was that I was not even looking, so I did not even consider myself single.

     So the three diptydoos, started questioning my sexuality, if I was a lesbian (again no offense), or asexual (no offense), but I explained that I was neither, but rather straight, just not interested/looking for a relationship at that time. After, he explained that he was in a relationship with a 29 year old, had sex,and knew what love was, so I was not truly an adult.

     I looked him directly in Fred's brown eyes, as he was sitting right across the desk from me and explained, that while no, I had not had sex, I was actually mature enough to know many things about relationships and love and was just a 21 year old adult.I told him I was not ready to die and become one half of we. He laughed, as most a diptydoo would. First and foremost that in order to be a part of a couple that is actually in love, there is no I, only we, every thought, decision, impacts you both. You do not just say I can/'t, it's always we can/'t,, that the commitment is to be for forever, that if your not in a good relationship to begin with, neither sex or marriage  matter, I explained that I was not willing to do this yet, I was not willing to let my singular I turn into we, or in other words, I was not willing to die and transform into a we. After repeating my tag line, Fred's eyes seemed to have deviated from his previous notions about me, and were now gazing longingly into my hazel eyes-which if I remember that night were particularly flecked with green, so I was told. #micdrop

     So I quickly told him to not give me that look, then mimicked his gaze, that before I said not to, all three diptydoos were gazing at me, and quickly denied it, as at least 2/3 diptydoos that night had known girlfriends.

     My point is this, age does not always equal maturity or adulthood. It's all in how you act, case in point, I can think of at least one 17 year old that's probably far more mature than I.

     Also congrats to my dear cousin getting married later this month, I am ever so happy for the both of you.

Water

     Why does everyone over the age of 21 always talk about alcohol, like all you do is drink it? Nothing else, you can just always be found  at a bar. Realistically, not to be a hypocrite, I even intend to write a book involving an alcohol related theme to it.
     My question, is when do you hear about someone going out for water? Never, maybe water with lemon on the side, like one of my grandmothers used to, if you are in fact, feelin' a little wild 'n' crazy. But really the human body can only take so much alcohol in one sitting, so why does the 21+ crowd fixate on it so damn much! Me, I know I can't anymore, that's why I do it. What's your excuse? It's not liquid courage, or luck even, if anything it dulls your senses and makes you sloppy, and less coordinated, which, I need no help with as is.But yes, you are soooo much more attractive of a person, if repeatedly you try to kill your liver.(Please detect sarcasm.)
     So to all you young gentlemen who may be potential suitors, should you ever get up the sober courage to ask ME out for drinks, you better mean water, besides, it's usually free anyways, and easier to detect pills slipped into it, from the criminology and criminal justice side of things, just being honest...

A Letter of Concern

Dear Readers,

     I know, and you know what just took place yesterday. Donald Trump, became President Trump. What does this mean for us? Yes, possibly 4 years of hell. BUT, only if we let it be. I do not, nor have I ever thought, burning limos was the way to peace, in the country in which I live, obviously some might disagree.

     While it has been promised by President Trump, to keep those with pre-existing health conditions, with health care, meaning I get to keep all my Dr.s for now...I also am a 27 year old White person, Female, technically disabled, but most importantly white, and I forgot to mention straight.

     My point is this, being white, and having taken all my Sociology and Psychology, not to mention my Social Psychology courses,not that long ago, there is a white privilege in this country, YOU may not think it so, but it does exist, even more so for white straight males. So yes, I worry for those of my friends who are not, with this new leadership. How will their individual rights fair during this presidency? This country just elected a man, who at the beginning promised even more control over female bodies, deportation, stricter screening of Muslims, so much so, that Mr. President, if you do ever end up seeing this, the only next logical step seemed to be you suggesting internment camps for them, which had my father, who fully backed your campaign, caused him not to see the extreme outrageous extent of it all, in a conversation with him. I do not believe it is the group, nor the weapon that kills the person, it is the individual, who pulls the trigger, or stabs the knife. We CANNOT assume entire demographics of people are all full of hatred, or the next 4 years will indeed be hell.

     What about the LGBTQ community, what happens to their rights, for those that may not know, and not to out anybody, but they are some of my near and dearest to my heart friends & family. Nothing will ever change that, as I will always choose love for those two groups of people, my friends and family.

     For who are any of us to judge anyone really? Even you, Mr. President. Who knows what the next 4 years will bring, I only ask that it be filled with hope, love and laughter. Not the burning of limos, as with all those protestors that came before, there is a way to be heard, and a way to destroy the very thing you wish to preserve.

I'm still concerned, or scared rather.

Love to those I hold dear,
Lindsay

Twitter-@LindsMRoach
Instagram- lindsayroach
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp

#Stoplookinglikeawhore and Other Thoughts...

     My #Stoplookinglikeawhore hashtag,  my single most liked hashtag, where I state I will not follow someone if any part of them is hanging out in their profile pic. What I mean, is someone with their boobs or buttock exposed on social media. There are certain things a lady need not see,especially when I have my own to look at in the mirror, or just look down at, should I really feel the urge to, So for the women that feel the urge to do so, I see no need, again, I have my own.

     With that said, do not be surprised if the young ladies coming up in this world have their respect lessened for men, because of what you've done. Men and/or women, you're both responsible for this. Men for asking women to do this, women for actually going through with it.
    
     Also, I will not follow you on Twitter, if all your profile states is something about sex, again, no, I will not follow you. This coming from someone who could barely stand to sit, or squat rather, through one pap smear, in all honesty(sorry for the TMI moment-but it's true), and you want me to really care about sex right now? I just survived blood clots and bleeding on the brain, in July, due to taking birth control pills to regulate my period, so no, I do not consider having sex, on my list of priorities right now, social media, #sorrynotsorry to disappoint you.

     I know I help not the drinking culture in "I'm Just Not Drunk Enough to Deal With This Right Now" but actually, I expect it to be a collection of true (to me) stories, I'm 27, despite temptation, I never drank before 21 yrs old. With it being a double standard for Criminology & Criminal Justice majors, which at that time, that was one of mine, so I picked the lesser of the evils at the time. Nowadays I can't drink anyways, because once you've had hallucinations, and you've been known to have a drink on occasion, they tend to frown upon alcohol so again, it really makes no difference, now does it. My point of this post.

How Now Brown Cow?

     My title being one of my fave lines/moments from "The Nanny". Cuz I'm old like that I guess, for all you youngun's reading this, see the 90's, of which yes, I do remember part of, at least...

     Anywho, I am making progress and am at least maintaining my under 185 goal at home, but we shall see what the nasty, evil, vile, scale at the Dr.s Office says on Wednesday, along with hopefully an exercise regimen that won't kill me, or any of my body parts, like my ankles for example, I kinda need those.
    
     Also, my new line of work has me pulling long hours, but that's what happens with full-time hours I guess. No news otherwise to report there.

     All is peaceful-like on the bakery front, but then again it's me-One of the old Bakery Girls, "Dr. Donut", and "The 16 yr old wonder". It can't really be explained why it works with the three of us, but it does. As long as I don't come in on the wrong part of any conversations.

     Anyways, life is overall good, so sorry, but I kinda have nothing to whine about for your pleasure and amusement, I don't work, nor see Bubba Joe Jack (one of them), anymore, and I'm glad. That's how goes it, the end.

I Really Do Like Other Things Besides Sloths...

     While yes, if you know me, you've probably know I like other things besides sloths, they're probably just the thing that now pops into my family and friends' minds when they think of me. Some other things I like, include the following, in no particular order, because I didn't think this through...:

1. Betty White, she's awesome, I want her career longevity.
2. Funko Pops-but only characters I actually relate to which include characters such as
2a. Rose (Betty White's Character on Golden Girls)
2b.Flash (The sloth from Zootopia, okay so I can't relate-but they had me at sloth)
2c. Luna Lovegood-she's quirky, like me, I also just like saying nargles sometimes, watch for that...
The Big Bang Theory characters:
2d.Raj-when he had "selective mutism" towards the opposite sex-teen years I felt like that a little sometimes....
2e. Amy Farrah Fowler for her perfectly timed awkwardness.
2f. Bernadette-personality wise

     Which brings me to, I love that show, and that I can usually find it in syndication, somewhere, at any time of the day(possible exaggeration), basically I would not trade any cast member, because the show would not be the same, I love it too much.

     Sherlock-clearly Benedict Cumberbatch, is awesome as well as the others in it, Cumberbitch? I think not...

     If you want book recommendations-  Look no further than any CP memoir written, to understand the different types, if you want my sense of humor, I tend to suggest Tina Fey, "Bossypants" I laughed the whole ride to CA on the plane, they probably thought me crazy, and if you still have not read the Harry Potter books, read them, all though I haven't finished "The Cursed Child" yet, because it makes me sad to think it's over...Anything that's a memoir, I  usually find enjoyable, so read whatever you like.

     Also Star Wars-Watch them, any order...
    
     Also, not that I don't like Anime or Manga? stuff, it's that I don't understand it, but I know my friends love it, so if you feel like explaining story lines, I will listen happily,and if you call me quiet, I'll tell you they-Australian surgeons, preformed Brain surgery on a Goldfish... There, I warned you.

Oh, and talking about politics just makes me cry...

Why Does FB Think I Want to Look Like a Lumberjack?

     It's Saturday, and I had nothing better to do, so of course, like a true millennial, I get on Facebook. Now what to my wandering to the side bar eyes should appear (paraphrasing-Big-Time) but a rainbow of plaid shirt ads. My only explanation being that FB thinks I should be a plaid loving lumberjack. This as I'm posting videos on Facebook, and instagram, it's true, I love me my social media, but hey! I made it under 185 Lbs. for like two whole days, with more portion control, and cutting back to one can of pop a day.
     Now imagine me getting a workout regimen approved by my new doctor, possibly getting off the blood thinner (if the clots were not genetic, which so far all of the tests have come back negative, find out Feb. 6th for sure!!!) , so back to eating leafy greens or veggies with vitamin K in them, aka a balanced diet, and I could be back down to 140 Lbs, in several months, maybe a couple of years!
      Maybe without anyone singing Hannah Montana songs at me, like I did that one day...Please let it never come to that again! ANYWAYS, yes, I still have more weight to lose. No, I do not want to look like a lumberjack...

Forgotten or Fantastic Opportunity

     So, as some of you may know, I love to read, so much so I have bags of books waiting to be read, which I will read someday, it's not hoarding, if you're really going to read them...but in the process of going to the local book store, I forgot my phone.

     Did I notice before I left? No, I actually didn't notice till I was at my car, and going to call my dear mother. Needless to say, I didn't call her and just returned home, but in that time, I was free from my phone, yes my smartphone was carelessly left on it's own, in the safety of my home. Was I void of technology completely? Well, there was the car I drove there,I had my mp3 player in my bag, in case I needed to calm/center myself while doing said driving (Or wake my self up),  and many other technological advances at the store, but never mind those  back to my point. I did not need my phone, buzzing me with email ads, who's following me on twitter, or Facebook knocking me with some tag, the whole time.

     Does this mean I should leave my phone at home during weekdays that include an hour and a half drive round trip? No, because that's just no good, especially in Iowa winters. But it does mean that maybe, just maybe, for a half hour trip, I can still be free, free from that which I may believe at times may be the only thing connecting me to the outside world, and actually connect with the outside world.

     You should try it sometime?

2016 is over now, Hello 2017!

     So I started trying to write something in late December of 2016, but decided it would be best and get back on the blogging bandwagon in the new year! So here it is, I will try and blog at least once every two weeks to start out with. While STILL working on the memoir, or what I hope will be a collection of true (to me) short stories, since that's what I seem to be good at, and what you all seem to be reading.

     Secondly, I don't make new year's resolutions, but the fact of the matter is I'm about 5' 5" and weigh in at 181, that my friends is going down what one would call a slippery slope, or just plain, not good. That's the heaviest I've ever been. No worries though, I've made an appointment with a dietician for next week, and then another follow-up appointment with a new doctor that seems good to me, I'll hopefully find out what I can and can't do as far as my diet with all the medications I'm on, not to mention the CP, so what to do that won't effect that, or at least not in a pain filled way, when it comes to work outs.

     Lest we forget, I have been through a ton of crap in 2016 health wise, so even the doctor reminded me of this, and said to be kind to myself, she said, it's doctor's orders now. That being said, I still plan on holding myself accountable on here, and am expecting to lower the 181 to something more reasonable, especially considering my hips have started feeling as if though they are "locking up", ever since I went from 145 up to 181, which with CP, is not good.

     In conclusion, Lindsay needs to loose weight, correctly, and needs to soon. In 2 weeks my friends.Hopefully with better news.