Memoir Process part 1

     So for those that wonder how the memoir's going/ when I'll blog next? Here's your answer...
I have about three pages, double spaced, that looking back on, I think I'll erase, and start over as it makes no sense for me to start the way I did. Unfortunately necessities like school and work, I have allowed to get in the way, but if I'm being honest-Lindsay needs money and the ability of which to go get her big girl job to make more money, so... Those things will continue to interfere.

     As far as titles go, I'm Just Not Drunk Enough To Deal With This Right Now, seems to be the clear winner.Why the title? Well you saw it here first, since being on an antidepressant, you're not supposed to drink alcohol(I've talked to my Doctors). So in certain situations (see About Last Night) I firmly believe I am not drunk enough to deal with them. It's also a joke, from me, wishing I could still drink, like your average 26 year old, since not being able to have more than a communion cup of wine, or small piece of rum cake can be depressing in and of itself. So it would cure all my problems if I was...


     So basically, I'm starting over, when I get a chance...

What I haven't told you...

Here's everything I haven't told you, or written about my time in the behavioral health unit at Mary Greeley about 2 years ago...

I yelled out in the night, groaning and rolling around...having Nightmares/hallucinating that I was being raped...

I yelled out that I was Buzz Lightyear's wife (Why? Cuz Toy Story was on the TV-Think of it as a bad George Glass moment)... To which I then stated there was a reason why I was there...

I also jokingly stated that I was Kitty Pryde (a character from X-men that walks through walls) I was then guided into the door jam by a staff member-who apologized afterwards, while being escorted out of the room, to see the psychiatrist...

I frequently stated I wanted a lawyer...I got one,  and was court ordered to treatment as I was seen as a threat to myself, and others-since I stated that I wanted my former coworkers dead for what they had done to me (I did get the threat to others part dropped)...I'll now be interning in Jan. at that law firm...

Leading up to my stay at Mary Greeley I was hallucinating that former coworkers from the youth shelter were assaulting me at a local grocery store, then coming on the TV whenever my Mother was not there-telling me to go to the hospital-where they would just do horrible things to me...I hadn't eaten more than three bites of soup, in three days, and barely drank anything-yet still went to the city gym, and frequently went to the police station, or called the police station, as I was hallucinating that they were raping me at night...The month before all this I wanted to take my own life, and was not taking the as needed med that I had...No I did not attempt suicide, I just told my Mom I was planning on it, because I was...I did not do it as attention seeking, but rather as a last resort, or so I thought...

After leaving Mary Greeley I was put on a medication that made me lactate. My mother and I both wanted to believe it was just boob sweat. I also shot from 150 pounds to 165. It took a while for me to tell a doctor what was happening, and for them to take me off the med took only a few days. Once finding the right med, it's nice to know that I've dropped over 15 pounds, and I haven't taken my as needed anxiety med in over a year, as my anxiety level just hasn't been high enough.

I also tell you this not as a joke, but rather, to make you realize just what one person with mental illness went through...If you see me, don't make light of this-It brings back bad memories for me...

What I've Found

     What I've found, some people don't like confrontation. I, am not one of those people.That's not to say I love confrontation, I just most certainly am not afraid of saying what's on my mind. There was too long a time where I was afraid to do anything about it. Whatever "it" happened to be at the time. Nowadays however, if asked what is the problem I will tell them flat out, you isolate, or so on and so forth.

     It's come to my attention that this is what relieves my tension and anxiety that builds up in my life. I do assert myself using the proper avenues that should be taken. That's not to say that I don't let stuff build up, because I do. I have been known in the past to let the tension build until I can't take it anymore, then go off on someone that pushes me just a little bit too far. This is termed my going "Hulk mad". No I do not suddenly become some ripped, green version of myself...Instead I begin yelling everything (and I mean everything) that I have against that person. Loud and clear, enunciating every last syllable until it turns into enunciated gibberish, at that point I come back from my blue streak, as it were...

     This time;however, I did not become "Hulk mad"-per my usual, but maintained a timid demeanor...I was afraid of something happening to the other person, I also wanted to be viewed as  a more mature 26 year old, not  a child who had her male classmates mistakenly called racist, when really the person actually was defining sexism, but viewed that as a bad word. Naturally I had to correct the misuse of the phrase. Or that of a 21 year old working two jobs who was mistakenly forced to stay late, when I had to get up and open the next morning at the other job...Naturally I couldn't help informing them that I worked two jobs, and was not just wanting to party on a Friday night...When really, who out there thinks I would do such a thing, that knows me...

     I guess it's progress. Was the problem solved by my being timid? Since that person is getting moved to a different shift. I guess it was more effective than my blowing up at a fellow human being, yet again. My point is no one should be afraid to say what they think. I certainly will not nor have I shied away from doing so.... If something's not right, speak up! That's what I've found...