If You're Going to Like Pin-ups...

     Maybe I just am sickened out of jealousy, but really, I see no reason to be jealous...

     I have a friend on social media, that I don't ever recall having talked to back when our paths would have easily crossed, but seriously "Bubba Joe Jack"-no that's not your real name. Nor are you the Bubba stated in previous posts. I'm really not sure why you even sent me the request, we never talked. I know we have mutual friends, which is why I accepted your request; however, I've soon begun to regret it.

     Pin-up pictures, nowadays are disgusting to look at, especially the 18+ ones that you seem to find on social media. If I really wanted to see that much of a woman's breasts or buttock, all I have to do is look in a mirror. You on the other hand, I guess have not formed an intimate enough relationship to where you are satisfied enough that you don't need to look at those pictures-because you have enough intimacy in your life. This saddens me.

     Does this mean that I want to have a more intimate relationship with you? NO. Just simply stating that if I can see that you liked those pictures, so can the other females on your list. Most just disrespectful, not classy and empowering. The ones you like are not artistically done, they're trashy with basically everything but the tits and openings on the lower half hanging  out. Sometimes with a lesbian undertone. Granted some women are in lesbian relationships,which don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with lesbians, but again, not classy and embracing, but trashy and usually grabbing of tits. If this is what arouses you, are you bisexual? If so fine, but you are once again doing it in a demeaning way.

     My advice to you not dear Bubba, get yourself a girlfriend, NOT ME, or something, and fast, before you ruin any chances of having a relationship. Or maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship, as your respect for women is blatantly lacking. Please get some help for those intimacy issues you seem to be having, first.

     Don't get me wrong yes, I'm only human too. Do I like certain pages because I find some famous male attractive? Not all, but some. But no, 18+ is not in the title, bear in mind, I have no desire to see 95% naked pictures of these men. or if some reason, only 5% happens to be covered, it's usually done in a classy way by Marvel-meaning artistic :) Or because of the  sport :) But is it disrespectful? No, my example is classy and honorable.

     So am I jealous?No. Can I relate? In a certain light, yes, but not fully.

What To Do...

What do you do when...
faced with an awkward conversation? With a person you did not want to see? They have no clue who you are? How do you handle these situations...

Not being in high school anymore, helps greatly in most situations. Although, there are times that can not be avoided, someone unexpected comes along, you don't know more than a name and face of, they don't know you, and what do you do. State that you know the mutual person, that is known? Pretend you know nothing? That's my go to and pretend you don't know them...Moral of the story here kids-Don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. It only leads to trouble...

I was talking to "Bubba Joe Jack" (Maybe or maybe not the same person mentioned in earlier posts)...And he mentioned his girlfriends name, we shall call her "Lou-Lou". Being curious as to what she was like having never met her before and social media being a terrible thing, I found her having been the only one named "Lou-Lou" on the profile on social media that shall remain nameless. So then I had a name and face right?

Right. The trouble comes in when I went to a store one day to pick up an  online order.

Lou-Lou asked "Hi, can I help you?" I walked up to see the name tag spelled correctly to match the face.
I replied "Yes, I have an order to pick up for Lindsay Rrrr..." I felt weird saying my name to this person, that I didn't want to particularly know, nor did I know, nor should I have known-but did thanks to my big nose.

"You have an order to pick-up?" She quickly replied, thankfully. She took my driver's license and entered in the information, and went and found my order. Returned with both of the correct items
asked me if they were correct, and put them in a bag. We said our thank yous and I went on my way.

So I did make it through unnoticed, as long as she doesn't know me, I'm good...But we shall see later if I really went unnoticed...

They Just Don't Care Anymore...

     Have you ever had this feeling?  Really, a feeling that a person is just not that interested in you. Does it matter? Why should I care about them, then?

     Most recently I've noticed that people, not using their actual names,nor how I know them, but Ellie May & Bubba Joe Jack- don't really like anything I do, unless it has to do with them.Now granted, do I show an interest in their lives? I should think. I send out cards, gifts, ask them about what they're doing. Do they read the blog? Not to my knowledge, even after countless taggings on Facebook. Do they actually care about what's going on with me? Not from the feelings I've gotten. Now, I do consider them actual friends, and from the impression I've gotten and phrasings of sentences, I believe they feel the same. But can you really know what anyone else really thinks? Sure I could always ask, "Hey, are we friends?" But then I'm setting myself up for, do I really want to know the answer?

     I was always taught, if you have to ask, you really don't want to know the answer...Am I just boring that they don't bother at looking at anything I post? Do they think they already know everything about me, so why bother with crap on social media? Are we done being friends? I don't know. From conversations I've had with them, we still are friends, or else why talk so damn much to me? Why pour salt on the wound, so to speak?

     Then again, why do I care so much? I was reminded through #CPChatNow( a twitter chat for people with CP-like me) tonight, that while on a different topic, it's my opinion that matters. Not theirs...But for some reason I still feel  this need to be liked, by them. Don't ask why, it's probably just the anxiety talking. Even when they already do like me. Just not as much as I like them. Do I do this to people? Probably so...Will I ever know about it? Probably not. That's the vicious cycle of somewhat distant friendship...

     On the other hand I'm far too busy and old to deal with this shit. We are friends, that's all you really need to know. If I need a person to vent to, they're there, the same as I would do. They've done more to calm the anxiety and depression then they realize, and for that I am grateful. They've brought me out of the worst of it- without even fully understanding, and for them to care as much as they do, I don't have to explain everything that's happened. And while we may be more distant as the years go by, I have a feeling they'll be in my life for a good long while still. So I might as well get used to it.
It's not really a matter of me not asserting myself in the friendship, more so me, picking my battles with people that I at least, consider friends.

     Do I consider Ellie and Bubba frenemies? No. That takes too much damn effort. I don't hate them, they don't hate me. I also don't let people get close to me, that I don't view as friends. I'm not one to keep my enemies closer, as the saying goes...

     Ellie is somewhat distant now, so I could tell her it bugged me, but it wouldn't matter. Bubba I see on a regular basis, but chances are, he wouldn't really give a crap that I feel this way, he's got his own crap to deal with. I'm not his family, nor his girlfriend, so why would he?

     People are about themselves, you have to be about you, I have to be about me. That's all that matters...And  Star Wars, definitely Star Wars, go see it. LOL.

So What Do I Do For "Self Care"?

So, BuzzFeed, if you haven't checked them out, did a wonderful mental health week on Facebook. If you are friends with me, or have liked my Facebook page, then you've probably seen several shared  posts, from their page. I'm a fan.

Anyways... One of their videos was "self care routines", so that inspired me to share what I do! What is my routine?

1. I blog. I blog about anything and everything I want to, am feeling, or care about. That's why my topics vary so much, but that's life-varied. If I''m feeling depressed, anxious, or even if I found a new pair of sloth socks, you'll know  about it here first. I use this as the equivalent to a journal. Except, if you know me, my handwriting is, what some may call, "unique", so blogging, it shall be instead. You can check www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
or follow me on twitter-@LindsMRoach for updates/new posts.Besides those of you "Nosy Nellies/Neddies" love knowing what's going on, admit it, I'm just kiddin'.

2. I make jewelry. No, I don't make the beads, but I buy some beads, some sort of string device, sit down on the floor, and put things together, till they look pretty! It may sound silly, but it's pretty, and it calms me. I feel relaxed, which after a day filled with social anxiety producing situations, relaxed is a good thing. Going from anxiously awaiting some thing, or some one, to a clear mind, that's able to watch an episode of a favorite show, is a good thing.

3. Reading helps, if I can get my anxious or depressed state of mind to focus long enough on just the words I'm reading, by the time I've finished, It may be majority of the book. Right now I'm reading the second volume of the complete set of Sherlock Holmes books that my brother got for me. It's long, and very dry, perfect to clear my mind with! Although I will have to do a post of book suggestions as I do have some, feel free to ask me, I'll tell you!

4. Music, I usually prefer anything upbeat, happy sounding, and usually less than three minutes long. I have a few exceptions, I may or may not share them, it depends. Why? because when you're depressed, you need something happy. Through all my sociological studies (B.A. in Criminology & Criminal Justice, and Sociology from I.S.U.), happy music, makes people happy, sad makes you sad, angry makes you angry, and so on and so forth! On second thought, I may just have to do a blog on suggestions after all.

Well, besides talking to people about what I'm feeling at that moment, that's all I have to share! Hopefully it's enough to get you started, if you need ideas. Hopefully you already have your own routine! Again let me know via Facebook/ Twitter/in person if you have any suggestions or ideas to write about, or anything you want to read my opinion on!

You're So Quiet!!!

My favorite response to me having not said anything in a while...

Why? Because that really makes me want to talk to you. Not. If this is said to me, it's usually because the person saying it has been talking nonstop, about whatever mindless drivel they want. It usually has nothing to do with my interests, or is an old story from high school or the like, that has nothing to do with me. So do I impolitely chime in? It's me, so no, of course not.

I simply wait for the "Lindsay, you're so quiet!!! Say something!"
To respond with "Do you know they preformed brain surgery on a goldfish?"

 It's a conversation starter, alright!To which gets me out of nonsensical drivel, for about another 15-20 minutes...As long as no one is eating.

I usually talk if I feel I have something important to say. If I don't, I usually just stick to listening, until I have something more to contribute.

Now granted I did post something about people being quiet on my high school Facebook group page, but you see the last three posts, have been from me. One of the quietest people of the class. It's kind of scary. So when I say it. You know people are just being silent. Does it promote discussion. No, not really. But I had to say something, it was creeping me out.

As is the case with the people saying it to me? Possibly, either that or they're too afraid to admit they talk too much. There, I typed it. Silence really can be golden... I probably type too much, but frankly, it's how I get my frustration, worries, or concerns out. So if you don't like it, don't look.

Moral of the story here kids is, if you're calling someone else quiet, maybe look to yourself to shut it, first.

Great News...

So, I created a Facebook page, see here- https://www.facebook.com/lindsayslifewithcp
No more awkward checking at random, if you like it, you will have the most up to date posts I make. As well, as maybe see pictures I post, from time to time. There will be updates as to the progress of the memoir, as well as you, and others, being able to comment on what you want to read about!Thank you to all the viewers, the blog is at 2,461 views total, so far-across all the countries! I'll also try and be more interesting, hahaha! Stay tuned!

Two Things...

     I thought I'd take this opportunity to talk about something I haven't done a lot of. My anxiety/depression. It is by no means cured, and yes, just this last week, I relapsed. It all started Thursday, well, okay so it started like months ago, and in my usual fashion, I bottled it up, and let my worries ruminate within me.

              *Names have been changed. Note I'm not good with naming people, so just deal with it*

     I had one coworker(Ellie May) that could not get along with another(Agnes). The other was oblivious. I was also having trouble with a different coworker(Ethel), to which,yes, they were oblivious too. I had been dumping my troubles on Ellie May, and she on me. As friends often do. All the while I'm trying to do classes, graduate with honors (I'll know when I get grades back for this last semester), and generally trying to take care of my own shit. I handled my problems with Ethel. She got moved to a different shift. I told Ellie May in the hopes that she might handle her issues with Agnes, as like I said. I was pretty darn sure, she was just as oblivious as Ethel. Nothing happened. My worries ruminated, thoughts in my head festering. Thursday, my anxiety could not take it anymore. I texted and called, then did that some more, until eventually I quit my job.

     Yes, I actually quit my job, I was so anxious. No pill, was going to help the situation, I saw no other way out, I was even ready to move out, if need be, just to get away from the bakery. The place I have considered a second home for a long time, and with friends that are like family to me. It took me about a 45 minute drive to Des Moines/DMACC, to realize I still needed money, and to call my Mom/Manager to ask for my job back, luckily, she let me.

     Back to the drama of it all. Ellie May will sadly be leaving, so problem solved there, on the bright side, at least. I shall hopefully be leaving in May for a big girl job anyways, so there's that for ya. I'm not long for the bakery either, as much as I do love it there.

Second thing, the first time I tried to spell ruminate on my own, spell check thought I meant menstruate, fun ending fact for ya!

The R Word...

     Retard, we've all heard it used, but what does it actually mean, do a quick Bing search and this comes up : "delay or hold back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment..." The definition continues to give an example of the word used in a sentence. If used properly, not an offensive word, in my opinion. In others, any use of the word is offensive. It depends on how offended you get about things, frankly. In the way it's been used; however, it can be very offensive.

     Have I ever been called a retard in an offensive manner? Yes, by people I had to trust, and quickly. Was it hurtful? Yes, of course. Was it used as a last resort in an angry spell, when they could come up with nothing else? Why yes, yes it was. Was it true, if you look at the definition, have I been delayed or held back by CP. Not really. If asked, my Mother would proudly tell you, that I was accomplishing things right about the same times  that my older brother was, that I let nothing hold me back. I simply had to learn to adapt, quickly. So do I consider myself retarded, no, not really.

     That brings me to, since I have what is a disability, more than one, (CP, depression,& anxiety) do I consider myself disabled? No, not really. Since childhood, while I've had to do things differently, I've been treated like any other able-bodied person. I rather consider myself a person, who just happens to have disabilities. Everyone has always treated me with respect, intelligently, kindly, for the most part. So no, while I certainly do not consider myself able-bodied, I have trouble identifying as "disabled", as I am perfectly capable of many things, if I want to do them. I just identify as a person with CP,depression, and anxiety. Yes, if on a form, or to get accommodations, I have to identify as having a disability,I do, but I will not be "disabled" by anything.

     I mean, friends &family. Ask yourselves if you would consider me disabled or retarded? Chances are you did not know about my disabilities, until I or someone closer to me, told you. I only ever need a hand with things now and again, maybe some help balancing. But to be labeled as something, that gets looked down on so frequently. Luckily, my disabilities are such, that they allow me to struggle with being identified as disabled. That's probably what I struggle with the most, I also know, if I feel one way, I certainly cannot be the only one. Anyone else with my disabilities feel this way?

Don't forget to like, share, retweet,  or follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach