Have you ever had this feeling? Really, a feeling that a person is just not that interested in you. Does it matter? Why should I care about them, then?
Most recently I've noticed that people, not using their actual names,nor how I know them, but Ellie May & Bubba Joe Jack- don't really like anything I do, unless it has to do with them.Now granted, do I show an interest in their lives? I should think. I send out cards, gifts, ask them about what they're doing. Do they read the blog? Not to my knowledge, even after countless taggings on Facebook. Do they actually care about what's going on with me? Not from the feelings I've gotten. Now, I do consider them actual friends, and from the impression I've gotten and phrasings of sentences, I believe they feel the same. But can you really know what anyone else really thinks? Sure I could always ask, "Hey, are we friends?" But then I'm setting myself up for, do I really want to know the answer?
I was always taught, if you have to ask, you really don't want to know the answer...Am I just boring that they don't bother at looking at anything I post? Do they think they already know everything about me, so why bother with crap on social media? Are we done being friends? I don't know. From conversations I've had with them, we still are friends, or else why talk so damn much to me? Why pour salt on the wound, so to speak?
Then again, why do I care so much? I was reminded through #CPChatNow( a twitter chat for people with CP-like me) tonight, that while on a different topic, it's my opinion that matters. Not theirs...But for some reason I still feel this need to be liked, by them. Don't ask why, it's probably just the anxiety talking. Even when they already do like me. Just not as much as I like them. Do I do this to people? Probably so...Will I ever know about it? Probably not. That's the vicious cycle of somewhat distant friendship...
On the other hand I'm far too busy and old to deal with this shit. We are friends, that's all you really need to know. If I need a person to vent to, they're there, the same as I would do. They've done more to calm the anxiety and depression then they realize, and for that I am grateful. They've brought me out of the worst of it- without even fully understanding, and for them to care as much as they do, I don't have to explain everything that's happened. And while we may be more distant as the years go by, I have a feeling they'll be in my life for a good long while still. So I might as well get used to it.
It's not really a matter of me not asserting myself in the friendship, more so me, picking my battles with people that I at least, consider friends.
Do I consider Ellie and Bubba frenemies? No. That takes too much damn effort. I don't hate them, they don't hate me. I also don't let people get close to me, that I don't view as friends. I'm not one to keep my enemies closer, as the saying goes...
Ellie is somewhat distant now, so I could tell her it bugged me, but it wouldn't matter. Bubba I see on a regular basis, but chances are, he wouldn't really give a crap that I feel this way, he's got his own crap to deal with. I'm not his family, nor his girlfriend, so why would he?
People are about themselves, you have to be about you, I have to be about me. That's all that matters...And Star Wars, definitely Star Wars, go see it. LOL.