Just One of Those Days...

So it's Saturday night, and I'm home alone...No, I'm not out partying, nor am I bringing the party to me, the house is already a mess, and I've already seen tons of people come and go today...

Life is actually pretty good, I have some potential contract paralegal-ing in the works, as well as a lot of interviews coming up, all for internships, not to mention some that are talking potentially hiring for part-time now, and a full-time/internship, in the spring. Why the internship? Because after this current semester, that's all I have left for requirements for my certificate. Do I plan on getting my certificate and leaving the Ames area finally? No, I plan on hanging around for 2-3 years and getting some experience-then applying at Amazon. A smart plan it would seem.

Today, my excitement level, that has been at an all-time high, has finally been worn out. It feels like I have no energy left to do anything, no, not a depressed type of energy, just worn-out. I have a paper due Monday I should be working on, a test Tuesday, and a brief due Thursday-instead of doing this, but well, sometimes I just need to type things out. Some procrastination is always a good thing, I've found, and no doubt I will get to work eventually, but well, just not right now.

Today at work was BUSY, luckily , I was working with a great group of people, that makes a 9 hour day, totally worth it. Without them, I probably would be depressed.

Also good news today, I finally got Fire sauce when asked for, from Taco Bell! They must have figured I could handle it, for once! Small victories here people! Small victories!

Also, still on page three of the memoir, maybe I'll work some more on that tonight...Well, however you spend your nights, readers, may it be a good one!

One last thing, the Affordable Care Act, not so affordable, wish I could go back to 25...I am thankful at least that preexisting conditions like CP, depression, and anxiety, aren't a problem, but really, over $200 a month? Change please! And pronto!

Here's why I blocked you...

Here's a letter to my old "friends" I blocked on Facebook-"A." and "B.",
Simply put, we are better off without one another. Y'all were toxic to my emotions...We weren't really friends either at that point. Both of you were doing things you know I could not follow you on. I did look at your Facebook profiles...You both appear to be married with children now. That's great! I hope you've found true happiness and joy! But the fact of the matter is, we are not friends, and haven't been, for quite some time.

"A.", you were skipping classes, smoking at a young age-if you're being honest about that... Hell, you were throwing bday parties for your friends, and I wasn't invited- clue number 1, as to why we're really not friends, clue number 2-the car ride fiasco, I honked, knocked on doors, called, did everything but go in the house uninvited, to pick you up. Then you tried to turn everyone-my actual friends-against me. Something unforgivable in my book.

"B.", you were skipping classes, "borrowing" cars without permission, getting sent away, coming back, then leaving again. You were never really changing, just toying with my emotions each time you came back, thinking you were going to stay in school-then leave...You know I couldn't follow you, and you know you wouldn't have let me- a real friend would have been there, not making me cry after each illegal act you committed, or new placement you got sent to... 

So, if you two happen to see this, I had to get this out of my system, only now instead of blowing up on the playground, I blog. If you two try and contact me, I will call the police. LEAVE ME& MY FAMILY ALONE!!!

It is time...

It is time, time that I announce something very big for all you blog followers, family, and friends. No, nothing life changing or just plain stupid. But it seems that after careful reading of these posts, some of you have mentioned I should become a writer. Well, I have no deals in the works, and I have yet to even begin a draft I can actually access, not on my old computer that sadly died.

But I do plan to write a memoir.

I have no idea how long it will take me, who would even publish such a thing, or just what part of my life it will cover, but I WILL write it. No, I have made no outstanding feats, I'm certainly no comedian, nor am I a beauty pageant winner(I have read some of the CP memoirs out there and plan to read more, I suggest you do the same), but I do have a story to tell. And I WILL tell it.

Also if you happen to know of any book publishers that happen to like stories about CP, let me know!

Having Mild CP

I could stir up some controversy with this topic, but the fact of the matter is that I have MILD Cerebral Palsy. Some with more severe CP, may very well hate me for the fact that in most cases, I can usually hide my CP past introductions and the like. In fact, I have seen tweets from those with CP criticizing and hating on authors also with CP. My main question  is why? I don't hate on anyone because their disability is permanently visible. I was raised that was wrong. Why do you with severe CP, let your jealousy overwhelm you? We should be united, raise awareness, that everyone with CP, has differing experiences, despite the common factors that categorize us as having CP in the first place. Luckily, I have found supportive groups of friends, family, and strangers via twitter/#CPChatNow, that don't criticize me for having mild CP. They instead embrace this fact, and are supportive & accepting.

Another fact of the matter is that you should never let your jealousy consume you. It's just not healthy in the first place, you also miss out on great things as you are too busy being jealous. All people have different life experiences, and you are missing out by not finding out what they are. I get that it's frustrating not to be able to fool the untrained eye into thinking you're able-bodied, but it's also frustrating having your disability minimized, or worse be accused of faking once exposing your disability. Mild or severe CP, we all need to support one another, not verbally attack each other.

I know my able-bodied friends are probably wondering what I'm talking about, but this struggle is real. There are out those with severe CP that criticize us mild CP-ers for being able to hide our CP for any length of time. The truth is we are not minimizing CP as a disability, simply I do not want to be judged as my disability alone upon first impression, and I refuse to be criticized for doing so. People need to know ME,  who just so happens to have a disability. Not as the girl with a disability. That is not how I want to be remembered. Something to keep in mind, those with severe CP, I can only assume, do not want to be remembered as only their disability as well, but often are. No, it's not fair, but should not be a cause for hatred of any degree among us all. It's a perception we with CP all need to unite to change. This brings me to, who will unite to change the perception? The perception of a person with a disability as being ONLY their respective disability, when in reality we are so much more. Perception should be the reality of it all. It's only through convincing the able-bodied crowd of this, not just my friends and family, that all with a disability will be seen as people first. The only way to do this is to stop the bickering among ourselves and start living our respective versions of a "normal" life, if there is such a thing...

Don't forget, you can always follow me on twitter- @LindsMRoach !

About Last Night...

So, for those that do not know I went to a bar last night. Why? To hear a friend in a couple of bands that he's in. Now, I went with my Mom, thinking no harm.

Slowly a older gentleman made his way to Mom, and started talking to her, high fiving. Suddenly he spotted me, waved, then motioned to high five me. I did so, he eventually went away. My mom left as it was well past her bedtime. I was alone after that. I talked to the one friend for a bit. Then the older gentleman returned...
He stated "My name is Bradley-I wanted to make sure you were fine?"
I stated I was fine.
He then said "Let me buy you another Pepsi".
Knowing that this 'Bradley' if that was his real name, was clearly drunk, and the fact that I was just not interested in knowing more I shook my head no, along with shouting the word "NOoooo". Slowly so as to maybe hear me better. He continued to try and stumble  onto the bar stool next to me. While doing so, asking the gentleman around me, that were in their 20's maybe 30's if they would take care of me, because he had to go.

In the meantime, an acquaintance from elementary school came up and started asking me questions about my jacket/ complimenting me on my jacket. All the while Bradley was still trying to find someone to take care of me, of which there were a lot of "I got your back" from a lot of different guys at the bar.

Another gentleman maybe late 20's early 30's asked me where the bathroom was. I stated I didn't know.

Bradley returned, and after a fashion, landed himself in the bar stool my mother had once occupied. He just stared at me for a moment, then asked me why I was there. I replied "My friend is in a couple of bands playing tonight". Having to yell in his aging ear to be heard.

Meanwhile I started looking around for help, trying to make eye contact with whoever would  do so. Luckily, about that time another older gentleman came by and pointed at him, and mouthed "Are you okay?" I shook my head no, and the older gentleman instantly helped Bradley off the chair, and out the door. The gentleman came back, I stated "Thank you" He asked me if someone was with me, I stated "No, they left" He stated "Okay, we've got our eyes on you".

I instantly felt relieved, some other guy probably 30's asked me how I was doing, and I asked him the same, but that was the end of the conversation. Thankfully.

In conclusion I have no idea how drunk that guy was, and I did hear all of the bands.

I know it's late but...

So today (Sept. 10th) is World Suicide Prevention Day. I just saw this, and it brings so many different feelings to me. Having been someone that at the age of 24, made plans to take my life. I can actively support this day, approaching 2 years since what looking back was a horrific time in my life. It's something, that I can't fully explain the mindset, unless you've been there. I felt worthless, alone, constantly anxious as to every interaction, questioning my reality, SEVERELY depressed, unloved, unwanted, and most of all, that I had no other option.

Yes, I convinced myself of all these things, as happy a person as I am now. Luckily, what stopped me from going through with it was that as a Criminology double major, I had heard horror stories, of suicide attempts gone wrong. Yes, even when you're already feeling low, not always will the attempt go according to plan. Nor should it. I was smart enough to rationalize that I had flaws in my plans, and realize that I might not die, just severely injure myself ( rather than just mild CP), or worse, injure or kill someone else.

 Yes, that was the turning point for me, I did not want to live, but I certainly did not want to be a killer. It was about thanksgiving that year that I was wanting to end it all. It took till around Christmas till I voluntarily went in to in-patient-then was court ordered there and to out-patient treatment, and continued to be court ordered for several months after until I was about 25, to make sure I didn't relapse back into the deep depression, anxiety, and reality questioning I had experienced.( I'll spare you the gory details of when I was questioning my reality-I might share someday, but not now). So basically while they got the meds adjusted. (I'll also spare you the details of that too-but, I will share if asked and it would help someone else).

While all this was going on, after I finished out-patient treatment, management at the bakery, asked me if I would like to come back. The bakery having been my home away from home so to speak, as a teenager. Coming back, was different. I knew about half the staff from when I had left. The other half had to learn that I was Vic's daughter- and what that actually meant (no special treatment, and that I was brought back to fill a hole). Once establishing this with the new crew,and that roast beef was not the same as corned beef, it was smooth sailing, and dare I say, I made new friends! Does this mean that all my worries instantly went away, no, it took more adjustments to meds and therapy, and two thumbs up, to get where I wasn't texting/calling people to find out what I had said. But I did have a new set of people that have seen me through what was the end of the worst time of my life.

Moral of the story, if I had given into this, I would have missed out on so much, suicide prevention is very important! Please reach out to that friend you've heard nothing from, or that posts a concerning Facebook status-you never know! Robin Williams is just one, of so many that take their own lives too soon, before they see the light in a very dark place. I can only imagine each individual's reasons, but start a dialogue about this, it's through talking that I came out of this, verbalization of this problem helps. If you are feeling like taking your life, there are other options. Seek them out! 

So, about that...

It seems like everywhere I go, online, at least, my fellow CP bloggers/authors, have been discussing dating/relationships. I've written about this before (See "One Time Only") The only relationship I've ever had was from age 5 to 8 or 9. We weren't really able to date at that age, and I feel my status as "The Cute One" was entirely wasted on one guy. I also have never been on a date, and was the one in high school that advised other friends to just make it a girl's night(With our best guy friend in tow as someone else's friend date, because these girls were usually desperate for attention) rather than spend the night in the bathroom avoiding their prospective dates. Needless to say I was not their parent's favorites... I also usually had a good time in high school socializing with the girls (and one guy, while his "date" was in the bathroom). Dating just seemed to be unnecessary pressure.

In college, my first roommate sure had a boyfriend that was long distance-and had plenty of "hook-ups" on the side-judging by the used condoms I found on the floor. I was busy studying& working...My next roommates were better, they seemed to be in committed relationships-with very understanding gentlemen, who put up with me trying to make pancakes, and ending up setting off the smoke detector early in the morning...Oops!
What was my interaction with guys during college? There were my gay guy friends, my guy friend that was in a band...and had a girlfriend, which was okay, cuz I knew his girlfriend and all exes from having gone to high school with him-not some one I wanted to be in a relationship with. I would keep in touch with my high school guy friends via Facebook, or run into one or more of them at the shows of the band friend I mentioned earlier-all of which knew too much to date or be in a relationship with, or they're married, some with kids now!

Let's see while I was out of school-guys-they turned out to be d-bags, or the okay ones were gay or in a relationship, seeing any patterns?

It seems I attract gay guys and males already in a relationship  as friends...As such, not many options when it comes to dating. Has having CP affected my ability to get a date?No. What has affected my ability is surrounding myself with a bunch of females with a few good gays and already taken straight guys mixed in for good measure.

I know there's always online dating sites, and plenty of them, but maybe its all my 3.5 years as a Criminology double major, or my years of legal interest talking, but it just creeps me out. If I'm suppose to be in a relationship, it'll happen the good ole' fashioned way of random meeting via friends (maybe just random) followed by Facebook/twitter stalking to find out if I just met the next big serial killer (That's the Criminology and legal interest talking!)...

But really I prefer to be single right now, so many nice-looking gentlemen out there and I'm free to look, with no feelings of guilt, or anyone getting jealous, or me getting jealous of them, or even wondering what some guy is doing...Right now they're just friends or pretty to look at, and that's fine by me...That's really all I have time for.

5 Things...

So, I got this idea from a fellow CP tweeter's blog, and that got me thinking...What are 5 things I can't live without?
I'll try and go in order

5. Nap time/Recess-This is actually an inside joke between certain co-workers and myself on slow days, no I do not still take nap time or recess...okay so i will nap if at home and bored, but lately these days, I'm pretty busy...But I do feel it important to keep in touch with your inner child, yester-years gone by...as such, my jokes are often innocent minded-something that if you truly love me, you love those as well.

4. Sloths-This may not seem that important, but... If I had to have a spirit animal, the sloth is it man, or woman as the case may be. It all started back in middle school when we had to pick our favorite animal...Although it took me until my interviewing final to develop a valid reasoning as to why. The instructor asked " If you could be any tree or animal, what would you be?" It took me a few seconds to try and come up with another answer but ultimately..." A sloth". Was my reply. He chuckled and said, "Okay, why?" I replied " Because they are slow & relaxed, as I aim to be in my decision making, and thought process". After that people watching stopped laughing, and started nodding...Ever since my sloth apparel and other assorted memorabilia has grown, from my Mom, friends helping me find things, and my coworkers at the bakery.

3. Hot Sauce-I am serious about this one, I cannot survive without some spice in my life, there are just some things, like eggs, I cannot eat without it. And we all know, if you don't eat, you will eventually die,...

2. My family and friends-You'd think this would be number one, and I swear I have reasoning as to why. But know that it is these people that are my greatest cheerleaders, supporters, and all-around those that truly love and care about me, something no one can live without...Awww...

1. My music-Okay so it's actually other peoples music, but I buy it, and listen to it, and it keeps me sane...As in when I was questioning my reality, and going to the behavioral health unit for in-patient treatment, music is one thing I had stopped listening to, I stopped singing...Something that if I had just put my headphones on, I believe would have helped me through, a bit better than I handled it. It's only when I started putting my headphones back on, singing in the car, taking that time for myself, that I started to have a more positive outlook. Yes, I listen to a little bit of everything, just as a person with anxiety and depression...I find myself not listening to a lot of slow and/or sad, depressing songs. Yes, I do listen to my friends or family members music from over the years, and I still miss my Lyrica (  Women's choir at ISU) days. Remember, "Music has charms to soothe the savage beast, To soften rocks , Or bend a knotted Oak." ( William Congreve)

So those are my 5 things, what's yours?