Thursday, September 10, 2015

I know it's late but...

So today (Sept. 10th) is World Suicide Prevention Day. I just saw this, and it brings so many different feelings to me. Having been someone that at the age of 24, made plans to take my life. I can actively support this day, approaching 2 years since what looking back was a horrific time in my life. It's something, that I can't fully explain the mindset, unless you've been there. I felt worthless, alone, constantly anxious as to every interaction, questioning my reality, SEVERELY depressed, unloved, unwanted, and most of all, that I had no other option.

Yes, I convinced myself of all these things, as happy a person as I am now. Luckily, what stopped me from going through with it was that as a Criminology double major, I had heard horror stories, of suicide attempts gone wrong. Yes, even when you're already feeling low, not always will the attempt go according to plan. Nor should it. I was smart enough to rationalize that I had flaws in my plans, and realize that I might not die, just severely injure myself ( rather than just mild CP), or worse, injure or kill someone else.

 Yes, that was the turning point for me, I did not want to live, but I certainly did not want to be a killer. It was about thanksgiving that year that I was wanting to end it all. It took till around Christmas till I voluntarily went in to in-patient-then was court ordered there and to out-patient treatment, and continued to be court ordered for several months after until I was about 25, to make sure I didn't relapse back into the deep depression, anxiety, and reality questioning I had experienced.( I'll spare you the gory details of when I was questioning my reality-I might share someday, but not now). So basically while they got the meds adjusted. (I'll also spare you the details of that too-but, I will share if asked and it would help someone else).

While all this was going on, after I finished out-patient treatment, management at the bakery, asked me if I would like to come back. The bakery having been my home away from home so to speak, as a teenager. Coming back, was different. I knew about half the staff from when I had left. The other half had to learn that I was Vic's daughter- and what that actually meant (no special treatment, and that I was brought back to fill a hole). Once establishing this with the new crew,and that roast beef was not the same as corned beef, it was smooth sailing, and dare I say, I made new friends! Does this mean that all my worries instantly went away, no, it took more adjustments to meds and therapy, and two thumbs up, to get where I wasn't texting/calling people to find out what I had said. But I did have a new set of people that have seen me through what was the end of the worst time of my life.

Moral of the story, if I had given into this, I would have missed out on so much, suicide prevention is very important! Please reach out to that friend you've heard nothing from, or that posts a concerning Facebook status-you never know! Robin Williams is just one, of so many that take their own lives too soon, before they see the light in a very dark place. I can only imagine each individual's reasons, but start a dialogue about this, it's through talking that I came out of this, verbalization of this problem helps. If you are feeling like taking your life, there are other options. Seek them out! 

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