Thursday, July 13, 2017

Feeling Funky

     So, yesterday marks a year since  went in the hospital with blood clots and bleeding on the brain, and, I don't know why, but it's got me in a funk, as of late. Maybe, just maybe, so you know what depression/anxiety sounds and/or feels like, I thought I'd describe it to you, from my eyes, at least...

     No, depression & anxiety does not automatically mean I'm considering death, but rather, it means...Communicating with people only via email, not even phone calls, being asked by some of those closest to you, to share your "indestructibility"knowing full well that it is not that, but rather, your faith in God, that pulled you through, and that if you could just bottle even a little of that shit- and give it to those you care about, YOU WOULD.....Ohhhh, but you can't. It feels like a million little thoughts rushing around in your head, struggling to get themselves onto the crowded elevators and to the right floors but yet, majority of them get off at the wrong floor at least once, that floor being my memory, creating all sorts of little flashbacks, to what I did wrong. Be it said, did, didn't say, wish I said...And I tell myself, out loud, so that everyone can hear me saying "Linds, you did nothing wrong, you were  a good girl", then I think to myself, why girl? I am a 27 year old woman now, a young-ish lady, if you must.

     It's the constant doubt that others only like you because of someone else you're related to, or that they only like you because you're disabled, and you have to be nice to disabled people, because we can't be anything other than that, nice...When all I want to say is that if you hate me, don't treat me like a friend, no-no, block my crazy ass if that's how you really feel, I can't stand anybody that thinks that...

     No anxiety and depression, is what makes me want to quit one of the places I love most, because I fear I can be replaced by someone else, and that those I hold near and dear in my heart would be able to get out of there without me, even quicker....

     No, right now  am living in constant fear, that I WILL be replaced, if not at one place, in one capacity, then I will at another, in some other way...with nowhere else to go, I am a cat backed into a corner, about to be snatched, and my only option is to claw the eyes out of my foes...as my last defense...

     Whatever happened to me? I don't know...

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