Sunday, September 10, 2017

Pumpkin Spice Is Nice, and Other Thoughts...

As the title says, Pumpkin Spice is quite nice, and I love it. Not quite as much as I love Egg-nog lattes, but you usually find those in more treacherous conditions, so not quite as accessible. Did I buy little pumpkin spice coffee pods? Of course I did...

Also, for the first time since maybe, junior year of college, I put on make-up, and without looking like a clown. Not that you really need to know this, but considering it was once one of the things my life revolved around in middle/high school, and college Lyrica concerts, deep blue and purple roll-on eye shadow were my faves, I also coincidentally thought I was really hot stuff back then...then reality eventually set in, and I realized my true adorableness as my strongest asset...I know I don't need it, but the fact that I had to take the time to carefully apply it in what is a blurry mess that is my eyesight, I felt accomplished, like I had polished my appearance today.

This brings me to-World Suicide Prevention Day is today, September 10th. If you need help, google it, and look at the countless resources there are, prevention hotlines. As someone who decided to stay on this earth, back in 2013, it was rough...Please allow me to discuss once again my position at the time, I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression to almost the point of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), I let thoughts ruminate in my head. Thoughts that everyone hated me, I was not loved by anyone, alone, separated from friends and family, and quite frankly December 2013, at age 24, was having hallucinations, sometimes taking as needed medication-most often not actually when I needed to, most times turning to having a drink, I was in the behavioral health ward of the local hospital over Christmas that year, as I had at least two if not three plans to kill myself. Once finding medication that calmed me to the point I could tell what was a dream, or nightmare rather, and what in fact was reality. It also made me lactate something fierce. Main thing, it allowed me to be released from treatment on new years eve day I believe. I also had come to the conclusion I no longer wanted to take my life. It did not end there, no I was court ordered to outpatient therapy, regular ol' therapy and medication, that they luckily changed to something that got rid of the lactating till August of 2014.

I still go to regular ol' therapy, and will be on medication the rest of my life. While no, I am not in a relationship, there are people who love me, people who hate me and I constantly have to prove wrong. I have a job now where I feel appreciated, where if I start having a panic attack I can leave, go see my therapist. I understand what wanting to commit suicide, and planning a suicide feels like, what some of what may be going through your head. But whatever your reasons are for leaving this life, I guarantee that with some help, there are more to stay, 4 years after the fact, I can look back on this experience, combine it with almost having my life taken from me what with blood clots and bleeding on the brain in July of 2016 due to birth control pills, and say, staying is so much more worth it than what it may seem. Harder than it looks, but worth every minute of it.

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