Saturday, May 23, 2015

One Time Only

So for those that don't know, I was told by a friend to talk more about relationships. So I'll go for the obvious with this one.

I'm single. I'm really not in a relationship right now. If you wanted me to write a blog on dating with CP, good luck, that would be the shortest blog ever, because I don't date. Not to say I would never go out on one, just not right now since I seem to be a little career focused. It's also a little hard when you think about it, as males my age (25) tend to flock to bars. The ones that don't are usually already in relationships, or are career focused themselves. Sorry to disappoint, but I just don't see me finding a lasting relationship in a bar, especially when I can't drink due to medication.

Then there is age, which is a very important number, go too much younger than me, and you're into past client age from when I worked at a youth shelter. I just can't do that. Too weird for me.

Then there is time, relationships take a lot of time. Time I don't have right now between school, work,  and my advocacy. I'm a busy lady. While yes, I have male friends, that's about all I have time for right now.

Then you have the fact that I'm still hurt from what happened with my parents. Something I don't think my father truly grasps, what he did, when he didn't tell me himself that he was leaving. I have trust issues with males in general, that's something I have yet to fully work through, but I'm getting there.

Then there is all the times I have been judged by males based solely on my appearance in a less than favorable light. By males that were out to belittle me, and make me feel bad. How would a guy handle me having CP, would he be cool about it like one of my friends? View me as only a friend? Or look down upon me as a lesser human being?

I guess I do have that one ex to look back on. He did handle me having CP, and was always at the ready to assist if need be, despite him turning out to be a rather shallow individual in the end. (Please see my post "Ugly" for more detail) He never used my CP against me.

Then you have the fact that growing up I was always kept separate from the boys at family gatherings. I was never allowed to go off with my brother and male cousins, my Dad wouldn't let me. I was never sure why but I was socialized not to go play with the boys,except my ex, putting a riff in communication between me and the opposite sex. So much so I feel I still struggle to this day communicating and connecting with males. That's why I only have a few male friends, and we don't talk that often. Working on it though, working on it!

So in conclusion I'm single, not because of my CP, but by choice. The few male friendships I have right now I do cherish as much as I do my other friendships. I really don't think it necessary to be dependent upon some guy for a feeling of self-worth right now. (Not saying that if you are in a relationship you are, but often times is the case). I mean if I really wanted to, guys can't be that hard to figure out, I just don't want to. This is my plea, please DO NOT set me up. I simply don't have time for anything besides friends...

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